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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 675810" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>HI SandalsNShades, welcome to our forum and so very sad for your need to be here. Nevertheless, it is an excellent place for you to be, there are so many of us here, with similar situations, at varying places along this journey. We have hope and dreams for all of our children, when they get into this kind of challenge, it is heart wrenching. First of all, the blaming is so unfair. It is a component most of us have faced, and I think of it as a way our adult children do not have to look at themselves in the mirror. Shame is a tough emotion to handle, blame is so much easier. Please do not buy into this. We are not perfect, we make mistakes. All of us can look back and wish things were different in the past, but the past is the past. There is no redo. So, hold onto the thought that you did the best job you could to give your son the tools he needed to launch. He hasn't launched for some reason.</p><p></p><p> Please do not accept this. My two are the same. My hubs is a bit more lax in his approach, so I am the target. This is usually the case with our adult children, it is called triangulation and keeps the family locked up in the drama of it all......</p><p> This is concerning, I agree, a locked door is not good in this case. Our kids need privacy, but when privacy is an issue......</p><p> This hits home with me SNS. My two D cs were in and out of my household in our attempts to "help" them. Meanwhile, my now 14 year old, grew up within the chaos. It has been 4 months since the exodus of my two, and my 3 grandkids, my boy has gone from never wanting to be home, to feeling the peace within we are all feeling. It is hard, of course we worry for our two, but they are adults and we have found they will choose their path, be it in our home, or not. I have found this to be true, and now realize that my raising of them is done, and my concentration belongs on my minor son. ANYTHING, that jeopardizes his peace in the home, his ability to have some normalcy, is not acceptable. PERIOD.</p><p></p><p>So, my dear, you have a lot to ponder. There are many folks here, who have struggled with similar issues. I am glad you have found us. We post here, it helps us on this journey. It is sad there are so many of us, but I have found it to be a soft place to exchange ideas and stories that are helpful to try to find answers, as well as vent, sift through advice, and find what works. Each situation is unique, there is no right or wrong path, just empathetic, loving, kind folks reaching out across cyber space in very tough situations. What you decide is up to you, we are all in this, because we care for one another and our children.</p><p>Welcome again dear, stay with us and keep posting. It helps to research and find answers elsewhere, too. Here in the U.S. there are many groups to be found to get relief and understanding and answers.</p><p>There is an article on detachment in this forum..</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p>it has helped me to read it often.</p><p>One of the things that happens when things "go south" with our kids, is we begin to get so entangled with the drama and chaos of it. We begin to lose ourselves.</p><p>Take very good care of <em>yourself</em>. You have value, you matter. It is especially important, because of your young son. He needs you still.</p><p>I know it is hard, because we view the young one, and long for that simplicity and innocence with the older sibling.</p><p>It is what it is. The fact that you are here, shows that you are seeing this, the impossible craziness it has brought your household into, and seek solutions. It is a very huge step. You are headed in the right direction, seeking solutions and peace in your home.</p><p>It will be okay SNS, you will find answers. Breathe. Have faith and build yourself up.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 675810, member: 19522"] HI SandalsNShades, welcome to our forum and so very sad for your need to be here. Nevertheless, it is an excellent place for you to be, there are so many of us here, with similar situations, at varying places along this journey. We have hope and dreams for all of our children, when they get into this kind of challenge, it is heart wrenching. First of all, the blaming is so unfair. It is a component most of us have faced, and I think of it as a way our adult children do not have to look at themselves in the mirror. Shame is a tough emotion to handle, blame is so much easier. Please do not buy into this. We are not perfect, we make mistakes. All of us can look back and wish things were different in the past, but the past is the past. There is no redo. So, hold onto the thought that you did the best job you could to give your son the tools he needed to launch. He hasn't launched for some reason. Please do not accept this. My two are the same. My hubs is a bit more lax in his approach, so I am the target. This is usually the case with our adult children, it is called triangulation and keeps the family locked up in the drama of it all...... This is concerning, I agree, a locked door is not good in this case. Our kids need privacy, but when privacy is an issue...... This hits home with me SNS. My two D cs were in and out of my household in our attempts to "help" them. Meanwhile, my now 14 year old, grew up within the chaos. It has been 4 months since the exodus of my two, and my 3 grandkids, my boy has gone from never wanting to be home, to feeling the peace within we are all feeling. It is hard, of course we worry for our two, but they are adults and we have found they will choose their path, be it in our home, or not. I have found this to be true, and now realize that my raising of them is done, and my concentration belongs on my minor son. ANYTHING, that jeopardizes his peace in the home, his ability to have some normalcy, is not acceptable. PERIOD. So, my dear, you have a lot to ponder. There are many folks here, who have struggled with similar issues. I am glad you have found us. We post here, it helps us on this journey. It is sad there are so many of us, but I have found it to be a soft place to exchange ideas and stories that are helpful to try to find answers, as well as vent, sift through advice, and find what works. Each situation is unique, there is no right or wrong path, just empathetic, loving, kind folks reaching out across cyber space in very tough situations. What you decide is up to you, we are all in this, because we care for one another and our children. Welcome again dear, stay with us and keep posting. It helps to research and find answers elsewhere, too. Here in the U.S. there are many groups to be found to get relief and understanding and answers. There is an article on detachment in this forum.. [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] it has helped me to read it often. One of the things that happens when things "go south" with our kids, is we begin to get so entangled with the drama and chaos of it. We begin to lose ourselves. Take very good care of [I]yourself[/I]. You have value, you matter. It is especially important, because of your young son. He needs you still. I know it is hard, because we view the young one, and long for that simplicity and innocence with the older sibling. It is what it is. The fact that you are here, shows that you are seeing this, the impossible craziness it has brought your household into, and seek solutions. It is a very huge step. You are headed in the right direction, seeking solutions and peace in your home. It will be okay SNS, you will find answers. Breathe. Have faith and build yourself up. You are not alone. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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