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What the heck is plan B?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 214269" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Linda ((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))) </p><p> </p><p>Your house sounds like it needs a Come to Jesus Meeting - stat. There is not one person in your house that can understand fully exactly what the other person is feeling. When you live with someone who has pain and is disabled, and are the walking one - you feel jyped - a lot. Sadly there isn't much the person in pain can do to make the other partner feel better unless you're both able to communicate and not shut down. I'd tell husband that now is not the time to stop talking. </p><p> </p><p>I have no idea what the T-doctor said, but I do have some kind of idea what it's like to be both people in your home. I've been the sick person that had to go to work, and I've been the fairly well person that had to come home every single day to the really sick, disabled, not feeling well person. At times it's overwhelming for me. Some nights I honestly don't want to call and ask "How are you?" because I TRULY can't handle hearing "Well I fell again, I'm going to be on the couch for a week, I hurt myself, I have a headache." I KNOW he doesnt' feel well. </p><p> </p><p>I do know that as the partner of a disabled man I HAD TO FIND A WAY to rise above it (it being the sickness, disability, the daily "I tried to do something today and hurt myself worse" and walk out the door and see him laying on the couch while I go off to two jobs. Some days it makes me more mad and frustrated that I could tell you -but then I tell myself - I AM GLAD I'm not laying there, in pain and I'm sure if he could he would be up. I had a choice - I told my therapist that I LOVE with all my heart my DF - not just the parts of him that are well - ALL of him. And it skunks because we are going on year 8 of "The lights at the zoo, the lighting of the tree downtown, riding a Harley in the cool air, walking nearly ANYWHERE." and I secretly wish - I had someone to do that with but....I DO have DF - he just isnt' able to do "those things" and so I settle for a night in, watching TV and thanking God that I do have someone who cares about me as much as he does despite his problems. </p><p> </p><p>Doesn't mean I love him less, it meant to me that I needed to adjust MY life to figure out HOW I could continue to love this person JUST AS HE IS and stop "wishing" for the things that I know I can't have - because when I oooh and aaah over things - it just makes him feel worse - and if I love him - my thought is I lift him up - not tear him down. </p><p> </p><p>Whatever plan B is - I would tell him how scared his comment made you. Tell him how you feel and how much you love him and that you need to know he's going to be THERE for YOU - and let him know the negative behavior on both parts - needs improvement. Ask him what YOU can do for him - </p><p> </p><p>I am sorry that you have this hurt -on top of the hurt you can do little about. Let him know he has a choice - to rise above this because he loves you and doesn't want to make you feel bad - does he need a place to go - a word or a gesture that is just between the two of you that is UNDERSTOOD as a time out??? Does HE feel appreciated? Things like that. </p><p> </p><p>If you like to read - I HIGHLY recommend reading a book called The Love Languages. When it was handed to me I thought "OMG another sappy do-gooder, monitor riser.....I finally sat and read it one day and the insight in that book really changed HOW I look at others. Some of are need to hear words to feel reassured, some of us need to see deeds done to feel reassured....and on and on. It really is a fascinating look at how people perceive love. </p><p> </p><p>I'm enternally optimistic that plan B - whatever it was changes to plan I'll B more understanding. But seriously - no more open sentences - you both have to start somewhere - and I totally get slamming the door, but it STILL said - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND me. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs and good luck -</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 214269, member: 4964"] Linda ((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))) Your house sounds like it needs a Come to Jesus Meeting - stat. There is not one person in your house that can understand fully exactly what the other person is feeling. When you live with someone who has pain and is disabled, and are the walking one - you feel jyped - a lot. Sadly there isn't much the person in pain can do to make the other partner feel better unless you're both able to communicate and not shut down. I'd tell husband that now is not the time to stop talking. I have no idea what the T-doctor said, but I do have some kind of idea what it's like to be both people in your home. I've been the sick person that had to go to work, and I've been the fairly well person that had to come home every single day to the really sick, disabled, not feeling well person. At times it's overwhelming for me. Some nights I honestly don't want to call and ask "How are you?" because I TRULY can't handle hearing "Well I fell again, I'm going to be on the couch for a week, I hurt myself, I have a headache." I KNOW he doesnt' feel well. I do know that as the partner of a disabled man I HAD TO FIND A WAY to rise above it (it being the sickness, disability, the daily "I tried to do something today and hurt myself worse" and walk out the door and see him laying on the couch while I go off to two jobs. Some days it makes me more mad and frustrated that I could tell you -but then I tell myself - I AM GLAD I'm not laying there, in pain and I'm sure if he could he would be up. I had a choice - I told my therapist that I LOVE with all my heart my DF - not just the parts of him that are well - ALL of him. And it skunks because we are going on year 8 of "The lights at the zoo, the lighting of the tree downtown, riding a Harley in the cool air, walking nearly ANYWHERE." and I secretly wish - I had someone to do that with but....I DO have DF - he just isnt' able to do "those things" and so I settle for a night in, watching TV and thanking God that I do have someone who cares about me as much as he does despite his problems. Doesn't mean I love him less, it meant to me that I needed to adjust MY life to figure out HOW I could continue to love this person JUST AS HE IS and stop "wishing" for the things that I know I can't have - because when I oooh and aaah over things - it just makes him feel worse - and if I love him - my thought is I lift him up - not tear him down. Whatever plan B is - I would tell him how scared his comment made you. Tell him how you feel and how much you love him and that you need to know he's going to be THERE for YOU - and let him know the negative behavior on both parts - needs improvement. Ask him what YOU can do for him - I am sorry that you have this hurt -on top of the hurt you can do little about. Let him know he has a choice - to rise above this because he loves you and doesn't want to make you feel bad - does he need a place to go - a word or a gesture that is just between the two of you that is UNDERSTOOD as a time out??? Does HE feel appreciated? Things like that. If you like to read - I HIGHLY recommend reading a book called The Love Languages. When it was handed to me I thought "OMG another sappy do-gooder, monitor riser.....I finally sat and read it one day and the insight in that book really changed HOW I look at others. Some of are need to hear words to feel reassured, some of us need to see deeds done to feel reassured....and on and on. It really is a fascinating look at how people perceive love. I'm enternally optimistic that plan B - whatever it was changes to plan I'll B more understanding. But seriously - no more open sentences - you both have to start somewhere - and I totally get slamming the door, but it STILL said - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND me. Hugs and good luck - [/QUOTE]
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