WHAT TO DO?

[Cat63]

My difficult child lost his cell phone because he texted another kid at school not knowing that the Principal had this kid's phone in his desk, then procedded to say it wasnt him. When the Pricipal asked what his cell # was he lied & gave a friends # of course the Principal already had the ph that my son called so he was able to verify that the call came from my son.
He also taking to disrespecting his teacher in public & in class, the eye rolls , not doing his work disrupting the class. He is getting detention & has been sent to work on his own.
Previous to this he was investigated by Police for supposedly harrassing girls at school fortunately the police decided that the girls were exaggerating their complaint because one was mad at difficult child for being with anohter girl, yet some of the texting between the kids was quite inappropiate. I have taken away his phone, but this has been done before & usually backfires because he will take off with out letting us know where he is & of course his friends lie saying they do not know where he is.
My difficult child does not listen to reason feels it is perfectly ok to cuss out his parents and lie. We tried therapists but none of them can agree, difficult child will not partipcate so therapist leave up to me to come up with some form of punsihment that will effect him, to date i have found nothing that works. Everyday is a battle with him.

 

[DDD]

I am sure others will pop in soon with specific suggestions. Although I have raised far too many teens, I have never had to cope with that specific behavior.

Speaking as a parent who admits to lack of experience, lol, I
"think" you may have to go for it...full tilt...if you expect to
have any control whatsoever. Many parents here have had to remove all privileges, services etc. in order to regain their
parental position. It works for some. It does not work for others. I don't envy you.

Do you have family support to help you? Has your son's behavior
recently changed or has he been like this for some time? Has he
ever been evaluated? Lots of questions. No answers.

Many here will support you and always listen to what you have to say or need to vent about. This is a priceless location.Welcome.
DDD

 

[Cat63]

My son has been difficult since birth but got extremely difficult the minute he turned 13. Physical, verbal etc. We have been to no less than 5 different dr each referred us to another and ea had conflict suggestions. We have taken away tv , phone , computer, friends but both parents work and cannot watch him 24/7. He does not follow any of our rules unless you stand over him and harrass him until it gets done. On top of this I have my Mother in law living with us who constantly gets in the middle of everyhting last month she slapped me when i threatened to call the cops on my son when he was having a blow out with his dad. i left for 4 days & came back.

 

[meowbunny]

I took texting and downloading off my daughter's phone entirely. Saved a lot of grief and inappropriate behavior at school. It worked as a phone but nothing else. If I called her and she didn't answer (no excuse was acceptable), she would lose the phone entirely for a week.

My daughter was a runner at age 13. She ran, I called the police. Not one time did they find her but at least I had a record of it. Do contact the parents of all of his known friends and let them know that you will call if it is okay for your son to be there. Otherwise, you would appreciate a call letting you know he is there. I did this and did it in person with my daughter present. At least when she ran she couldn't run to her friends.

Taking away privileges did little for my daughter at that age. If I took the cable to the television, she would steal it from a neighbor. Ditto mouse and keyboard from the computer. I finally ended up forcing her to be glued to my side when she was grounded. This was no fun for either of us and, again, did no good except to make us both miserable.

For her, rewards worked better. A good day at school equalled a friend come over the following day. That gave me time to verify the good day rather than taking her word. Two good days was going over a friend's house. A good week gave her a slumber party to either have or attend. If she had a bad day, I would leave it to the school to consequence her, sending me an email or calling me to let me know what happened and what the consequence was (ISS, after-school detention, Saturday detention, etc.).

by the way -- A good day was a day where she didn't cut a class, didn't walk out of the classroom because she didn't like what she was hearing, wasn't rude to a teacher or classmate, didn't throw objects in class. I ignored things like her not turning in her work (her ADHD and perfectionism would kick in and she'd either lose it or refuse to turn it in because it wasn't "good enough") or talking in class (figured all the kids did this and I wasn't going to take it any further than the school did).

Basically, it is finding what works for your child. Determining what behavior is truly out of his control or at least what most kids would do. (I factored in other kids' behavior because if anything happened in class, she was always the first one blamed -- her reputation preceded her. Not everything that happens is our kids' fault and I was not going to punish her for being a teen.) If it is something he can control, then either consequence him if that makes a difference or find a reward that matters to him. Sometimes you have to do a little (or a LOT) of both.

It's not easy but it is possible to get some cooperation from a young teen. I will say I hated ages 12-15 more than any other age. GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

[Cat63]

my husband sent me this link it describes exactly how i feel at times.

 

[happymomof2]

So sorry your going through all this. My son hasn't been doing great in school but was nothing like he is now that he turned 14 and went into high school. He punches walls and cusses out teachers. He does NOT do this at home... well the punching of walls and slamming doors occasionally. He would never cuss at his father or I.

Even easy child's have aliens invade when they turn into teenagers. I think our difficult child's that become teenagers get the super bad aliens.

Don't have much advice. Just letting you know you are not alone and my thoughts are with you.

 

[Star*]

Hi & Welcome -

Meow Bunny gave you some really good ideas - My son has never had a cell phone. He will never GET a cell phone, and when I wanted to know where he was he had BETTER been able for me to drive there - and find him exactly where I told him to be.

The first FFFFFFFFIRRRRRRRST time he was not where he said he would be - we worried, drove around, got sick and he ended up being put into a croup home. The SECOND time he wasn't where he said he would be? He got arrested for being the lookout for 3 burglaries, and now has probation, fines, community service and got put out of our house.

Two times in 17 years - and look what he did for himself !

THANKS for the video - she's hysterical. Love that part about global warming - and what DO we become after hot flashes?

Lord I'd like to know - banshee? Blow torch? Somewhere in between?

Thanks Cat

 

[wakeupcall]

cat63, thanks so much for that video. I laughed right out loud and I certainly don't often do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to our group!

 

[flutterbee]

Originally Posted By: Cat63
On top of this I have my Mother in law living with us who constantly gets in the middle of everyhting last month she slapped me when i threatened to call the cops on my son when he was having a blow out with his dad.


And you left? I'da had her bags packed and on the porch in a New York minute.

Other than that, I think MB covered it. She's good at that.

Hang in there.

(((hugs)))

P.S. That video was hysterical!!! Thanks for sharing!

 

[BusynMember]

HI and welcome. I didn't read the other responses because I happened to be up in the middle of the night and just checked the board, but want to go back to sleep :smile:
I would want to take him to a neuropsychologist or a Psychiatrist (with the MD) for a total evaluation (I think NeuroPsychs are best because they do hours and hours of testing). I wouldn't go the therapist route without really knowing what's wrong. ODD is vague--all the kids here have ODD symptoms. ODD rarely stands alone and is usually triggered by another disorder. The teen years can kick up the symptoms and even evolve into drug use. I wouldn't wait too long. There can be long waiting lists. I truly think he needs further evaluating.
As for the cell phone, well, he wouldn't have one anymore. That would be it.
As for mother in law--I actually agree not to call the police without really first finding out what is wrong with son. I can't see how the police can help other than to scare him for a few days in which case he'd probably continue to act out because something isn't right with him. Maybe he'd end up in juvy--don't think that's a really good place to get help either and kids can pick up really bad stuff there. But SHE SLAPPED YOU?????? Hub would be put on notice that his mother is about to leave the house.

 

[nvts]

Originally Posted By: Cat63
my husband sent me this link it describes exactly how i feel at times.

OMG, I have watched this about 20 times, and I'm CRYING!! That was absolutely hysterical (I swear she's stolen some of my material - but mine was Harold be thy name!!).

Thank you, thank you for such a great laugh!!!

Beth