What will happen down the road ...

[maril]

when our kids that rage get their own places? (may be a rhetorical question).

I was following the thread about kids, who smash/break/destroy things and I had these mental images of my son's future home -- picturing smashed items, broken doors, etc. Then I thought further to wonder how he might interact with a roommate or significant other during one of his rages. I shudder to think.

My husband has repaired much of what our son has broken but it is still obvious there was damage.

 

[helpangel]

I sometimes think that Angel's roommate will be wearing a jumpsuit with a number on it just like she is (UGH that doesn't sound very good, try again)

OK she enjoys doing her artwork while living in an apartment overlooking her veterinary practice and animal shelter and her roommate is a cat. (I like this one a lot better) Then her cat walks across the paint pallet she left out and walks across her white bedspread & couch.

 

[BusynMember]

He'll have to either get under better control or learn how to repair his own place. If he's still breaking things, I'd consider that he may have bipolar rather than ADHD. Mood stabilizers for bipolar can do wonders for people who just snap. I used to rage and was misdiagnosed a gazillion times and wasn't put on the right medications until I was in my 30's. And I raged up until the right medications were in place. Not being a man, I didn't do much damage, but I still raged. I can not tell you what it did to my personal relationships.

Maybe you need another opinion on his treatment or medications if he is willing to comply. I hope so! Is he on medication?

 

[smallworld]

Marilynne, my son used to rage and break things all the time. I agree with MWM -- the right medications have a made a world of difference. It took a while, but the right medications have allowed my son to live peacefully in our house. No more broken windows in a long time!

medications don't solve all the problems. Our son still needs intensive therapy to learn coping skills to live with his illness. But the right medications are providing him the ability to access therapy.

 

[house of cards]

It's not a prpblem with Major(LOL), he has informed me that he won't act like this once he turns 18. Actually, school is a big trigger for him, so maybe he is on to something. I do think life will go alot smoother when he can pick and choose the triggers he wants to deal with, of course, I've yet to see if employment will be a trigger...let's hope not.

 

[aeroeng]

Since every child breaks things for different reasons, each one will have their own future. We all hope they will grow out of it, and many do. But, some don't. Some will face the jumpsuit, some will live with holes in the walls, and roommates that have left in fustration. But some have a good chance of a normal life. Only if they learn to take their own responsibility. I have personally decided, if my difficult child ever gets married (or even a live in girl friend) then I will give her a key to my house so she will allways have a place to go.

 

[DammitJanet]

Interesting you ask that. Well...my house looks like a tornado tore through it. I do have holes in the walls from rages and meltdowns that I have had. I am working on those problems in therapy now. It has taken me many years to get to this point. I wasnt diagnosed with bipolar until my late 30's and didnt go to therapy until 3 years ago so this is a work in progress. To me, medications only help so far and I have to work on more stuff too.

 

[TerryJ2]

Marilynne,
good question. The good thing is that they can't blame it on us!
We have not repaired some of my son's damages, so that he has to look at them, and also explain to friends why they are there. If someone asks us, we point to him and say, "Ask him."
When he is old enough, and cares enough about it, he will fix it himself. I'm not sitting on the edge of my chair waiting.
Interesting post, Janet. It is so true that we have to work on behavior through long, hard work, no matter what sorts of medications we are on. Too many pharmaceutical companies hire PR firms to make us believe that all we have to do is pop a pill to become Perfect People. (Although to be fair, I could say the same for mascara commercials, LOL!)

 

[DammitJanet]

There used to be some commercial on the air that was either for an antidepressant or disneyworld...I was never able to really figure it out. But the gist of the commercial was if you took "happy pills" you would end up in Disney. I was so ticked off over that commercial. Not only do I take my medications but I never end up in Disney...lol. I think someone must have realized that was a very stupid commercial because it didnt stay on the air long.

 

[Star*]

Want to know what I was working towards with Dude?

WHY is that any of my concern? The fact that he will be OUT of my house, the fact that he will be destroying basically his OWN property, the fact that if he puts holes in a wall of a home he's renting will have adult consequences and punishments are on him - not me.

Not my problem.

I do understand what you are saying - and since I'm not psychic or/and can not predict any future event I try to maintain a positive outlook, do the best I can to parent from a distance and revel in facts like - the guy that dude shares a part time home with said that he is the BEST room mate you could get - he cleans, he keeps his room neat, he does dishes, he vacuumes, he checks the temperature and rakes the yard - told me that maybe.......having things of his own - made a difference.

The last 2 years in Dudes life have been remarkable up, down, up, down and at times so sickening I gave myself a stroke. After that happened? I stopped worrying (mostly) or tried to stop worrying about things that I could NOT forsee or control. I invested my time in the now - and took classes and therapy to be a better parent. I also came here, cried, whined and really really listened to those parents in Parent Emeritus who had and were trying to detach. I didn't get it at first - but now I do and I would repeat the first part of my post here - but you Know what I mean??

If you had asked me 2 years ago if Dude would ever live on his own? The answer would have been NO - and I sat and envisioned him going to jail for breaking windows and things in wherever he stayed.....but now he's taking out the trash, and raking the yard, washing dishes, vacuuming and doing his own laundry and keeping his room clean. I call it miraculous! I'd rather invest my time in hope than despair. (most days) lol

Hang in there - there's a lot of maturity left to be had. Even for your son. Hugs
Star

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you for the words of hope, Star.

After finishing Temple Grandin's and Sean Barron's latest book, I have no doubt that with-early intervention, our kids will be fine. One thing that got me, was that Sean said he spent so much time during his adult yrs apologizing to his parents for what he did during his childhood yrs. Wow! He was so much like my difficult child! Very emotional, shoot first, ask questions later.
Even now, my difficult child will see a screaming kid at the mall, hanging on the mom's arm and making her crazy, and he says, "Did I do that when I was little?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
Woo hoo!

 

[maril]

Hi, to all. Your responses brought me hope, a dose of reality, and even some smiles. My Saturday is going better now because of you.

At this time, my son is two weeks into an inpatient dual diagnosis program and is presently receiving therapy but not medication. We'll see what happens as they get to know him better. He was court ordered into the facility and was not a happy guy. My husband and I look at it as a chance for him to start to work out of the darkness. He really has been such a different guy in just about the last couple of years; very concerning changes.

Thanks again, and hugs to all -- oh, and for those who are not huggers, a big high five.

 

[Kjs]

THAT is the magic question!