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<blockquote data-quote="goldenguru" data-source="post: 97690" data-attributes="member: 1545"><p>Hi stands~</p><p></p><p>I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Especially the part about finding it difficult to be 'happy' when your son obviously is not. I found it very difficult to be 'happy' when my daughter was in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (and very obviously unhappy). My moods were DIRECTLY dependent on how her moods were. I even felt GUILTY sometimes when I caught myself being 'happy' when I knew that she was not.</p><p></p><p>It is after years of introspection (and reading the Boundaries book three times) that I figured out that I had/have major boundary issues with my daughter - well with people in general.</p><p></p><p>I would begin to explore (with the help of your therapist) why you have difficulty figuring out where stands ends and your son begins. </p><p></p><p>For me - it was a vicious cycle. <strong>I tried to control others lives because <em>when they were unhappy, I was unhappy</em> (that part is sooo key to our understanding). I was unhappy because others lives were unhappy so I tried to control their lives.</strong> Can you begin to seen the pattern of insanity? </p><p></p><p>Now instead I try to see it this way. <strong>I try to be happy inspite of the fact that others lives are unhappy. I have no control over others lives, which in turn frees me to be happy.</strong> And the cycle perpetuates.</p><p></p><p>And when I say happy - I don't mean skipping through the daisies happy - <em>I mean having that inner peace that resides inside of me - in spite of external chaos.</em></p><p></p><p>You can get there stands!! It is a long journey. We are all fellow sojourners. But, we all move at different paces ... and we are all in a different place on the long road.</p><p></p><p>Hugs. You're doing great.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="goldenguru, post: 97690, member: 1545"] Hi stands~ I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Especially the part about finding it difficult to be 'happy' when your son obviously is not. I found it very difficult to be 'happy' when my daughter was in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (and very obviously unhappy). My moods were DIRECTLY dependent on how her moods were. I even felt GUILTY sometimes when I caught myself being 'happy' when I knew that she was not. It is after years of introspection (and reading the Boundaries book three times) that I figured out that I had/have major boundary issues with my daughter - well with people in general. I would begin to explore (with the help of your therapist) why you have difficulty figuring out where stands ends and your son begins. For me - it was a vicious cycle. [b]I tried to control others lives because [i]when they were unhappy, I was unhappy[/i] (that part is sooo key to our understanding). I was unhappy because others lives were unhappy so I tried to control their lives.[/b] Can you begin to seen the pattern of insanity? Now instead I try to see it this way. [b]I try to be happy inspite of the fact that others lives are unhappy. I have no control over others lives, which in turn frees me to be happy.[/b] And the cycle perpetuates. And when I say happy - I don't mean skipping through the daisies happy - [i]I mean having that inner peace that resides inside of me - in spite of external chaos.[/i] You can get there stands!! It is a long journey. We are all fellow sojourners. But, we all move at different paces ... and we are all in a different place on the long road. Hugs. You're doing great. [/QUOTE]
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