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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 274024" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, my turn.</p><p></p><p>Early on in our marriage, husband & I had to agree to NOT talk about anything likely to upset us, too close to bedtime, Classic example - no stressing about "How can we pay the mortgage this month?" just as we're about to go to sleep. Otherwise, we won't get to sleep!</p><p></p><p>The sort of problem we have now, with the "talking just as we're going to sleep" issue, usually revolves around either a book one of us is reading, or a TV show one of us is watching - and wanting to share it with the other. We have had to learn to tell one another (and take it from one another) if the person being told, really doesn't want to know because he/she is trying to go to sleep. Snarling is a last resort.</p><p></p><p>Something for both parties to always remember - if you try to talk about it right on bedtime, chances are too high that the sleepy partner will not remember in the morning, and so the conversation is wasted. Or alternatively, if you manage to successfully wake your partner to discuss something really vital - neither of you will get to sleep until much later than is good for you.</p><p></p><p>The best compromise is to plan ahead to "make a date" to talk. Give notice, as you would to a difficult child who has trouble task-changing. And teach your partner to do this as well. You say to the other person, "I need to talk, preferably with your undivided attention and without kids around. Let me know when you're available."</p><p>If you need to, arrange for an opportunity to talk, such as "let's go for a walk and get our exercise." It can be a good time to talk.</p><p></p><p>Something else to remember, when you're watching something pre-recorded - there IS a 'pause' button. Use it, if something has come up and you need to talk.</p><p></p><p>I tend to go to bed after husband, because if I go to bed before him, I don't sleep as well. I have finally begun to realise why - it's because I can be just falling asleep, and he will come back into the room and because I'm there, he talks to me (because as he has said, he does love talking to me). But if I'm just settling my mind to sleep, or dozing off, it wakes me up enough to stop me from going to sleep for another hour or more.</p><p></p><p>So I told him. He finally understood. Plus I have compromised - if I'm in bed ahead of him, I make an effort to stay awake until he is settled and anything likely to want talking about, is dealt with. However, most of the time it's nothing important, it's just "hey, you're here, you're awake, let's chat about anything."</p><p></p><p>Or you can settle for pre-arranged signals. Get one of those airline sleep masks and squishy earplugs. when you're ready to sleep, stuff in the earplugs and drag the sleep mask over your eyes. And warn him ahead of time - if the mask is down, consider you to be asleep, even if he knows you're not.</p><p></p><p>I guess the moral to the whole thing - be pro-active and communicate. Set boundaries and make mutual agreements.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 274024, member: 1991"] OK, my turn. Early on in our marriage, husband & I had to agree to NOT talk about anything likely to upset us, too close to bedtime, Classic example - no stressing about "How can we pay the mortgage this month?" just as we're about to go to sleep. Otherwise, we won't get to sleep! The sort of problem we have now, with the "talking just as we're going to sleep" issue, usually revolves around either a book one of us is reading, or a TV show one of us is watching - and wanting to share it with the other. We have had to learn to tell one another (and take it from one another) if the person being told, really doesn't want to know because he/she is trying to go to sleep. Snarling is a last resort. Something for both parties to always remember - if you try to talk about it right on bedtime, chances are too high that the sleepy partner will not remember in the morning, and so the conversation is wasted. Or alternatively, if you manage to successfully wake your partner to discuss something really vital - neither of you will get to sleep until much later than is good for you. The best compromise is to plan ahead to "make a date" to talk. Give notice, as you would to a difficult child who has trouble task-changing. And teach your partner to do this as well. You say to the other person, "I need to talk, preferably with your undivided attention and without kids around. Let me know when you're available." If you need to, arrange for an opportunity to talk, such as "let's go for a walk and get our exercise." It can be a good time to talk. Something else to remember, when you're watching something pre-recorded - there IS a 'pause' button. Use it, if something has come up and you need to talk. I tend to go to bed after husband, because if I go to bed before him, I don't sleep as well. I have finally begun to realise why - it's because I can be just falling asleep, and he will come back into the room and because I'm there, he talks to me (because as he has said, he does love talking to me). But if I'm just settling my mind to sleep, or dozing off, it wakes me up enough to stop me from going to sleep for another hour or more. So I told him. He finally understood. Plus I have compromised - if I'm in bed ahead of him, I make an effort to stay awake until he is settled and anything likely to want talking about, is dealt with. However, most of the time it's nothing important, it's just "hey, you're here, you're awake, let's chat about anything." Or you can settle for pre-arranged signals. Get one of those airline sleep masks and squishy earplugs. when you're ready to sleep, stuff in the earplugs and drag the sleep mask over your eyes. And warn him ahead of time - if the mask is down, consider you to be asleep, even if he knows you're not. I guess the moral to the whole thing - be pro-active and communicate. Set boundaries and make mutual agreements. Marg [/QUOTE]
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