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When it Rains, it Pours
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764596" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Michelle,</p><p>Thank you for your quick reply and suggestions.</p><p></p><p>We have been dealing with my two daughter’s addiction for roughly 16 years. Much has changed, I no longer have a revolving door trying to “help” them from one crisis to the next. My dear hubs was ill with bouts of sepsis starting in 2013. Through that time, he insisted on trying to help our daughters by housing them. I put my foot down in 2015 after yet another dramatic incident with Tornado and her abusive boyfriend. No more housing them. That drove a wedge between hubs and I. He passed after another bout with sepsis in 2016. There have been challenges since then attached to the trauma brought about with loving addicted adult children, grands in the mix, etc.</p><p>There have been many changes and adjustments as far as figuring out how to deal with my two, or not deal with them.</p><p></p><p>I decided early on that I would not attend my daughter’s court cases and would not visit her in jail, or bail her out. I have put money on a phone account, and have also gone no contact. When Tornado is in jail, she is a “model prisoner” (I know one of the guards there). She has had moments of clarity when detoxed off of meth, and I have seen glimpses of her old self. That has been good for her and me. Admittedly, the rollercoaster has been hard, and each encounter has served as a learning curve for me. I have stood my ground at not allowing her to come live in my home. </p><p> I do realize that the back and forth is hard on my health. I do love my daughters and still have hope for them to realize their potential and find their light. What has changed is that I no longer feel that I am the person to “help” them do that. I’ve changed. My philosophy now stands to offer kindness when reasonable-(allow Rain to shower the few times she has appeared at the house). And I have told Tornado that as long as she is working at sobriety I will help here and there within my means.</p><p></p><p>My son is a young adult and he will forge his own path as far as how he wishes to deal with his sister’s addiction. He is also trying to protect me, as he has witnessed firsthand how hard this is. For all of us.</p><p>We all have to deal with this as we see fit, and each of us are at different junctions.</p><p></p><p>I will have to gauge how I am feeling when my daughter eventually ends up back in jail. Definitely will not be visiting. Never have. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I’m not sure if not putting money on her books shows “strength.” I think that is an individual call. In reading on detachment it does not mean we have to cut off communication with our wayward adult kids. I have done so when I felt the strain overbearing, gone no contact. That was not an easy thing. Enabling is a fine line. I don’t give my daughters money, I don’t seek them out on the streets. I won’t allow them to live in my home. If I am able to make some kind of connection, like visiting my daughter Rain in the hospital, I will. I don’t see that as enabling, she is still my daughter. I would be remiss if I did not reach out and God forbid, she passed. The emotional impact is difficult, but I think that I would suffer in my heart if I did nothing.</p><p> </p><p>I have stepped way back in many ways. As you well know, this is not a linear process. The bad that could come out of no connection at all would affect me greatly for the rest of my life. Lest I regret. With connection, there is always the possibility that my two will try to take advantage of me, that is the way of addiction. My work before me is to not do for them what they could for themselves, to not fall back into the rabbit hole of absorbing the drama and chaos and letting it affect my life and joy. That being said, I am still their mother, yes, as Copa said we are delusional, but it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>I agree it is hell. We all have to do what we can for our own lives and health with what tools and circumstances we have. I have worked hard on setting boundaries for my two, as well as boundaries for my own internal response, emotionally. That will be a lifelong journey. It does take some time and much processing to recover from the disappointment. With prayer and the help and support from the kind folks here, I have come a long way. Still a work in progress, but better than the past. The change I am seeking is within myself. </p><p>Not much has changed for my daughters, but I have no control over that. </p><p>Thank you for your reply and concern. We are all on a difficult journey here. Wishing us all oeace and strength of mind and heart.</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764596, member: 19522"] Hi Michelle, Thank you for your quick reply and suggestions. We have been dealing with my two daughter’s addiction for roughly 16 years. Much has changed, I no longer have a revolving door trying to “help” them from one crisis to the next. My dear hubs was ill with bouts of sepsis starting in 2013. Through that time, he insisted on trying to help our daughters by housing them. I put my foot down in 2015 after yet another dramatic incident with Tornado and her abusive boyfriend. No more housing them. That drove a wedge between hubs and I. He passed after another bout with sepsis in 2016. There have been challenges since then attached to the trauma brought about with loving addicted adult children, grands in the mix, etc. There have been many changes and adjustments as far as figuring out how to deal with my two, or not deal with them. I decided early on that I would not attend my daughter’s court cases and would not visit her in jail, or bail her out. I have put money on a phone account, and have also gone no contact. When Tornado is in jail, she is a “model prisoner” (I know one of the guards there). She has had moments of clarity when detoxed off of meth, and I have seen glimpses of her old self. That has been good for her and me. Admittedly, the rollercoaster has been hard, and each encounter has served as a learning curve for me. I have stood my ground at not allowing her to come live in my home. I do realize that the back and forth is hard on my health. I do love my daughters and still have hope for them to realize their potential and find their light. What has changed is that I no longer feel that I am the person to “help” them do that. I’ve changed. My philosophy now stands to offer kindness when reasonable-(allow Rain to shower the few times she has appeared at the house). And I have told Tornado that as long as she is working at sobriety I will help here and there within my means. My son is a young adult and he will forge his own path as far as how he wishes to deal with his sister’s addiction. He is also trying to protect me, as he has witnessed firsthand how hard this is. For all of us. We all have to deal with this as we see fit, and each of us are at different junctions. I will have to gauge how I am feeling when my daughter eventually ends up back in jail. Definitely will not be visiting. Never have. I’m not sure if not putting money on her books shows “strength.” I think that is an individual call. In reading on detachment it does not mean we have to cut off communication with our wayward adult kids. I have done so when I felt the strain overbearing, gone no contact. That was not an easy thing. Enabling is a fine line. I don’t give my daughters money, I don’t seek them out on the streets. I won’t allow them to live in my home. If I am able to make some kind of connection, like visiting my daughter Rain in the hospital, I will. I don’t see that as enabling, she is still my daughter. I would be remiss if I did not reach out and God forbid, she passed. The emotional impact is difficult, but I think that I would suffer in my heart if I did nothing. I have stepped way back in many ways. As you well know, this is not a linear process. The bad that could come out of no connection at all would affect me greatly for the rest of my life. Lest I regret. With connection, there is always the possibility that my two will try to take advantage of me, that is the way of addiction. My work before me is to not do for them what they could for themselves, to not fall back into the rabbit hole of absorbing the drama and chaos and letting it affect my life and joy. That being said, I am still their mother, yes, as Copa said we are delusional, but it is what it is. I agree it is hell. We all have to do what we can for our own lives and health with what tools and circumstances we have. I have worked hard on setting boundaries for my two, as well as boundaries for my own internal response, emotionally. That will be a lifelong journey. It does take some time and much processing to recover from the disappointment. With prayer and the help and support from the kind folks here, I have come a long way. Still a work in progress, but better than the past. The change I am seeking is within myself. Not much has changed for my daughters, but I have no control over that. Thank you for your reply and concern. We are all on a difficult journey here. Wishing us all oeace and strength of mind and heart. New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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