When it Rains, it Pours

[New Leaf]

Sigh. Here we go again. As if to test my resolve and at low times like these, false bravado to stay the course, I received a call from Tornado that Rain is in the hospital.
First off, reconnecting with Tornado is a mixed bag of emotions, trying to stay even keeled and hopeful, but also cautious of my heart. I am thankful that she is on this journey, but also cognizant of my propensity to over invest. She jumps back into the fold as if nothing has happened, she is not at the point to truly make amends, and it can be…..awkward.
Rain. Sigh.
Tornado called the other day to let me know that her sister is again in the hospital. I went to visit her yesterday and she is very ill. Diabetes and blood pressure out of control, both legs blackened at the ankle, right leg swollen with a thick red line going up her inner thigh to redness all up in her groin. She said she had been sick with high fever and her leg didn’t hurt so she tried to “ride it out.”
Up pops her “boyfriend” (I didn’t know he was in the room) who shall be named Mumbles because I could barely understand a word he said. “I found her under the bridge all pale and her lips were purple. We pulled her up to the road in a basket-Friend drove us to the hospital.”
Ugh.
She’s on a vancomycin iv drip. She’s in the same ward my Hoku was in when she had her birth injury and subsequent infection almost two years ago, I practically lived there for a month helping her recover. So, when the nurse walked in yesterday, I recognized her as the one who helped me learn to care for Hokus’ IV line for home care.
Talk about flashback, but of a very different sort. One daughter, Hoku, desperate to get well and back home to her children, the eldest, Rain set on a course to self destruct.
Rain asked me to bring her clothes. I said no. She just wants to get out of the hospital, and I won’t be a part of that.
I am praying that this recent episode will be a catalyst for her to change her course, that is if she survives. After seeing hubs decline with infection and sepsis, it is an all too familiar journey.
When it Rains, it pours.
I am thankful that she made it to the hospital and is receiving treatment. I told her that she is blessed to be alive and that God sees the good in her, she just has to believe it and find her light.
That is between her and God.
All I can do is pray and hope for the best.
My knee has finally healed enough to get back to my jungle ( slowly and carefully). It has been my respite and place to work out my heartache, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I go up to sweat and hopefully cry. I need to cry, but the tears don’t come. I am numb. I will be okay with time to process, but as Copa said so intuitively and correctly, I am tired.
Sad Leaf.
God, help me and everyone going through this difficult journey.

 

[Beta]

New Leaf,
I pray that God would provide wisdom, comfort, and peace to your heart right now and guard your heart from more trauma.
From what you said, exercise is one way that you work out the emotions of heartache. I do that, as well. It's one of my antidepressants.

I too pray that this health crisis will be the catalyst to move Rain to seek help and commit to work through the addiction.
God bless you.

 

[Fairy dust]

Hugs to you. Keeping you in my prayers. You have travelled this hard road for so long. May the universe give you continued strength and resolve and some much needed sunshine!

 

[Copabanana]

I am praying that this recent episode will be a catalyst for her to change her course, that is if she survives. After seeing hubs decline with infection and sepsis, it is an all too familiar journey.

Hi New Leaf. We as mothers get corrupted. I don't know another way to say it. Nature invests us with the drive to protect and care for babies, believing with all our hearts and souls that we can. We can't.

However useful and necessary it is for evolution, we are only surrogates. Surrogates for G-d. These children were always G-d's. And yet we persist with this tragic and pervasive delusion that we can protect and that we should. This delusion seems to never, ever leave us.

Maybe we can for the small stuff, diapers, staying out of the street (sometimes)....but the big stuff. Nah. Nada. Zilch.

I recognize these words seem cynical maybe, even heartless. Forgive me. What I mean to say here is that there is nothing I can do to alter my son's destiny, nor can you alter your Rain's or Tornado's.

There is a cooking blog named, The Big Man's World, run by a young, male chef. I chafe at the name, but there is a truth to it. There is no room for mothers in that phrase. Maybe even, in that world. I don't know. (By know means do I mean to be blasphemous, here.)

Jews call the female essence in the world, the Shekhina. The Shekhina gives nurture and protection. She is the way that G-d is present to us in the world. We pray to her. We chant to her. She comes to us and alleviates our suffering and replaces it with joy. We can hide behind her skirts, and she makes us safe and we can be enveloped by her love. We transcend our suffering.

Pray to Shekhina New Leaf, that she shelters and loves your girls. Whatever they do, wherever they go. They were never yours. Not really. Just as my son was never mine.

Pray to the Shekhina New Leaf. That your girls can find protection with Her. You and I could never protect our grown kids. Pray to the Shekhina for rest, for nourishment, for respite. Let's together hide in her skirts and feel peace. Love, Copa

 

[newstart]

Sigh. Here we go again. As if to test my resolve and at low times like these, false bravado to stay the course, I received a call from Tornado that Rain is in the hospital.
First off, reconnecting with Tornado is a mixed bag of emotions, trying to stay even keeled and hopeful, but also cautious of my heart. I am thankful that she is on this journey, but also cognizant of my propensity to over invest. She jumps back into the fold as if nothing has happened, she is not at the point to truly make amends, and it can be…..awkward.
Rain. Sigh.
Tornado called the other day to let me know that her sister is again in the hospital. I went to visit her yesterday and she is very ill. Diabetes and blood pressure out of control, both legs blackened at the ankle, right leg swollen with a thick red line going up her inner thigh to redness all up in her groin. She said she had been sick with high fever and her leg didn’t hurt so she tried to “ride it out.”
Up pops her “boyfriend” (I didn’t know he was in the room) who shall be named Mumbles because I could barely understand a word he said. “I found her under the bridge all pale and her lips were purple. We pulled her up to the road in a basket-Friend drove us to the hospital.”
Ugh.
She’s on a vancomycin iv drip. She’s in the same ward my Hoku was in when she had her birth injury and subsequent infection almost two years ago, I practically lived there for a month helping her recover. So, when the nurse walked in yesterday, I recognized her as the one who helped me learn to care for Hokus’ IV line for home care.
Talk about flashback, but of a very different sort. One daughter, Hoku, desperate to get well and back home to her children, the eldest, Rain set on a course to self destruct.
Rain asked me to bring her clothes. I said no. She just wants to get out of the hospital, and I won’t be a part of that.
I am praying that this recent episode will be a catalyst for her to change her course, that is if she survives. After seeing hubs decline with infection and sepsis, it is an all too familiar journey.
When it Rains, it pours.
I am thankful that she made it to the hospital and is receiving treatment. I told her that she is blessed to be alive and that God sees the good in her, she just has to believe it and find her light.
That is between her and God.
All I can do is pray and hope for the best.
My knee has finally healed enough to get back to my jungle ( slowly and carefully). It has been my respite and place to work out my heartache, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I go up to sweat and hopefully cry. I need to cry, but the tears don’t come. I am numb. I will be okay with time to process, but as Copa said so intuitively and correctly, I am tired.
Sad Leaf.
God, help me and everyone going through this difficult journey.

New Leaf, I am so sorry about this latest drama. It is wonderful that Rain made it to the hospital and it is wonderful that someone had the mind to get her there. When Rain is ready she will make the change. This was one of the hardest things I had to do, wait for my daughter to make the right changes. I was so ready for her to get her life straight and when she slides backwards I feel so awful but realize it is truly her journey and I can't rush things or do things about her stupid choices. I think there is power in prayer and I love what Copabanana said about 'Shekina' and praying to her, I think she would be equal/similar to the Virgin Mary to Christians. After my son died, I felt the presence of The Virgin Mary, I know that female energy is very alive and very helpful. I felt comforted and loved from that spiritual energy. We have so much spiritual help to tap into! And of course each other too, I can imagine what you look like and I have felt your writings in my heart so I can pray for you from a distance and even send Reiki healing. When I first got to this site, it was so helpful to my soul and as you know I was desperate. There was a woman on here, Recoveringenabler that I miss. She once posted to one of my posts 'We are circling our wagons around you' That post helped my broken heart so much just knowing others cared. I hope you feel we are circling our wagons around you.

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you all for your kind advice and comforting words. I do feel the wagons circling but have limited time to reply in depth. Yesterday my #2 daughter went to visit Rain. She said that Rain told her she knows she is getting older and can’t keep living the way she has. She expressed fears that the docs were talking about releasing her today, her leg still swollen and painful and suffering severe headaches. This is different than her usual drive to get out of the hospital and back “out there”. I know it is just words, that if she were better, would she be of the same mind? Of course, as you mentioned Copa, my first inclination as a “delusional mother” was to bring her home. We had a family “phone meeting” , discussing options. Hoku, in all of her wisdom reminded us of the uncertainties of that, that we should explore other solutions first. The least I can do is visit Rain and let her know we are here for her. Also, I am going to visit and see where she is at today, ask if she will give consent for the docs to speak with me. I called the nurses station yesterday and filled them in on Rains situation. She was emphatic and said that a social worker will be called in to assess and assist and that the discharge team will discuss plans. Of course she added that Rain was coherent and compliant, that ultimately the decision is hers. I said at best, if she could be released to a facility, whether shelter or rehab, she would stand a fighting chance. That is up to her choice, and availability of space.
I called Tornado to fill her in, and was quite surprised with her response. She said “Mom, she will do what she wants, as far as I see, she is not ready. She is really attached to her boyfriend and the lifestyle. What I have learned is that active addiction will lead us to loss of family, relationships, health, and eventually, death. Unfortunately we cannot make anyone choose better.”
I expected her to say “Just bring her home mom”
Huh.
I told her that I know it is up to Rain to choose better. That the best thing for her would be to get into a rehab, where like Tornado is learning there is professional help and support to guide her. Tornado agreed. But, also reminded me that I can’t make that choice for her.
So there is a glimmer of light shining there for Tornado, coupled with concern for Rain. The least I can do is visit and offer medical advocacy if she chooses.
I have a busy morning dropping off kids to school and dentist appointment, then head to the hospital, if Rain is still there.
I’ll update you guys later on. I am stepping into this with trepidation, but know that my heart could not handle doing nothing. I have to remind myself of boundaries and possible outcomes. I have to somehow find peace within, even through this latest storm.
Thank you all so very much for your support.
Leaf

 

[Nandina]

on. I am stepping into this with trepidation, but know that my heart could not handle doing nothing. I have to remind myself of boundaries and possible outcomes. I have to somehow find peace within, even through this latest storm.

Leaf, I am holding you in prayer and asking God to guide you in your decision making. I know I would be making the same choices. Sending much love and support, Nandina

 

[Copabanana]

if she could be released to a facility, whether shelter or rehab, she would stand a fighting chance. That is up to her choice, and availability of space.

In my town which is small and backward, there is a medical shelter with a social worker and everything for people exactly in Rain's situation. Then they graduate to the regular sober living homes.

She said “Mom, she will do what she wants, as far as I see, she is not ready. She is really attached to her boyfriend and the lifestyle. What I have learned is that active addiction will lead us to loss of family, relationships, health, and eventually, death. Unfortunately we cannot make anyone choose better.”

Wow. Double wow. Wisdom! And support! Tornado is becoming an ally. Your ally. Good for you New Leaf.

 

[Deni D]

New Leaf, so much is going on in your life right now. So much is happening with both of your waywards. As Tornado said it really is up to Rain, of course it also really is up to Tornado. But if there is a possibility of divine intervention I'm praying for it for your family.

As Copa said we are delusional, we kind of need to be as mothers, as far as I can see even in the best of circumstances even though I don't have a child in the best of circumstances. But with us, boundaries and knowing what would be helpful verses harmful has to come front and center. You have worked hard and are very clear on what you should or should not do, no matter how much it hurts.

I prayed for your two tonight, outside, feet in the dirt. And was answered by a peek from the moon and windchimes from a little bit away. It seems I was told they will be grounded by the moon and the wind will take them where they want to go, and hopefully it is in the best place for them.

Love and deep grounding hugs to you New Leaf, Deni

 

[New Leaf]

Hi all,
I spoke with Rain after my appointment. She said she was being released and she has an appointment with a doctor and has to go to pharmacare clinic to reinsert an iv for her antibiotic treatments. From experience with hubs and Hoku, that means she needs daily medications administered with a sterile set up. I asked her where she was going and she said she will just find a place to lay down and rest. I did not offer my home, because her choice is to rely on her boyfriend and I will not have him here. Her sister called her and let her know we are here for her to support her recovery if she needs us and to call after her appointment.
No call or text.
So I am at this place again where I have to muster up my strength and faith and give this storm in prayer to God. Realistically friends, it does not look good. But, who knows?
I spoke with Tornado again and she said that her sister is in active addiction and making choices accordingly. She said that I cannot let this weigh so heavily on my heart, that I have no control over what Rain decides.
Truth.
It will take a while for me to use my tool box and process all of this. I will be okay, because I have to be. I am blessed to have support with my well children and you folks here, as well as prayers.
While I work at balancing my emotions, I feel the toll this takes on my body.

Well.
I just got off the phone with Rain, she was chatty and feeling much better. High? Maybe, I don’t know. She is back in the area she frequents. Rinse, repeat.
Sigh
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I prayed for your two tonight, outside, feet in the dirt. And was answered by a peek from the moon and windchimes from a little bit away. It seems I was told they will be grounded by the moon and the wind will take them where they want to go, and hopefully it is in the best place for them.

So, so beautiful. This is where we need to stand, New Leaf. Right here. Here is the Shekhina. Her name is Deni tonight.

So I am at this place again where I have to muster up my strength and faith and give this storm in prayer to God. Realistically friends, it does not look good. But, who knows?

Yes. There is no other true place. Not for you. Not for any of us. There is a sort of safety in reality. Why? Because it is what it is

she said that her sister is in active addiction and making choices accordingly. She said that I cannot let this weigh so heavily on my heart, that I have no control over what Rain decides.

Well. She's right, but what's that saying. Try walking in my shoes. OMG New Leaf. How much can one woman bear? I don't think it's about the weight of it. How could it not weigh 10 million tons? It's about sharing the weight. Try to rest, New Leaf. I know it's still early where you are, but why not lie down?

You know your girls paradoxically seem resilient and strong. Let's just rest. And pray. My son called tonight. I'm going to try resting, too.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi all,
Thank you so much for your kindness.

Yes. There is no other true place. Not for you. Not for any of us. There is a sort of safety in reality. Why? Because it is what it is

Just got a huge dose of “It is what it is”. Received a call today from the sober living center- Tornado broke curfew and didn’t check in last night. Sigh. She will be on the streets again. And so it goes………I’m sad and mad. Rinse, repeat. More upset for my grands who were so happy to see their mom sober. I guess we will just have to hold on to those memories.

You know your girls paradoxically seem resilient and strong. Let's just rest. And pray. My son called tonight. I'm going to try resting, too.

Rest and pray. Yes.
I’m going to try to have a good cry.
Leaf

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hi all,
Thank you so much for your kindness.

Just got a huge dose of “It is what it is”. Received a call today from the sober living center- Tornado broke curfew and didn’t check in last night. Sigh. She will be on the streets again. And so it goes………I’m sad and mad. Rinse, repeat. More upset for my grands who were so happy to see their mom sober. I guess we will just have to hold on to those memories.

Rest and pray. Yes.
I’m going to try to have a good cry.
Leaf

Awwwww…. So very sad reading this. I have gone through having hope so many times to only experience the heart shattering disappointment of them going back to old ways.

You have your cry, let it out! But, come back to find some joy in your life….don’t stay in that type of mental, okay???

BIG HUGS

 

[Copabanana]

I am so so sorry, New Leaf.

 

[Crayola14]

You’re stronger than you think.

I hope she and her boyfriend, if she insists on him being in her life, can find a safe, sterile place for her.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi all,
I am slowly feeling better. Thank you all for your kind support.

I pray that God would provide wisdom, comfort, and peace to your heart right now and guard your heart from more trauma.

Thank you Beta. Prayers are powerful. There is much to be thankful for and to look forward to. Switching focus to my well children and grands, Lord knows I have spent so much time consumed by my wayward girls choices, I give them to Him in prayer and hope that they will one day awaken. Admittedly, it is a daily
challenge to bundle up all of this into a neat little package in my brain.

May the universe give you continued strength and resolve and some much needed sunshine!

Thank you Fairy dust. I had a good hard days work in the mountain and that helps to ground me.

Pray to Shekhina New Leaf, that she shelters and loves your girls. Whatever they do, wherever they go. They were never yours. Not really. Just as my son was never mine.

I truly believe this Copa, that my children were only on loan to me. I ask that God watch over them and keep them.

You and I could never protect our grown kids. Pray to the Shekhina for rest, for nourishment, for respite. Let's together hide in her skirts and feel peace.

Slowly coming back to my senses. Each time I am faced with these challenges is a reminder to guard my heart and seek peace. It is hard work I times like these.

It is wonderful that Rain made it to the hospital and it is wonderful that someone had the mind to get her there. When Rain is ready she will make the change.

Thank you Newstart, this is a reminder to me to find the good in tough situations. For Rain, that she did go to the hospital and get treatment, for Tornado that I was able to see her sober and spend time with her as such. Hopefully one day she will stay the course.

There was a woman on here, Recoveringenabler that I miss. She once posted to one of my posts 'We are circling our wagons around you'

I miss Recoveringenabler too, so much compassion, strength and wisdom.

Leaf, I am holding you in prayer and asking God to guide you in your decision making. I know I would be making the same choices. Sending much love and support

Thank you so much Nandina for reaching out. I pray for your continued strength and peace during this difficult time.

Wow. Double wow. Wisdom! And support! Tornado is becoming an ally. Your ally. Good for you New Leaf

That certainly took a turn. But, I did find comfort in her words. I hope she remembers in her heart and reflects on the time she reconnected with us.

But if there is a possibility of divine intervention I'm praying for it for your family.

Thank you Deni, for your prayers and all you do to keep CD running.

I prayed for your two tonight, outside, feet in the dirt. And was answered by a peek from the moon and windchimes from a little bit away. It seems I was told they will be grounded by the moon and the wind will take them where they want to go, and hopefully it is in the best place for them.

This is so moving, being in the elements and hearing the whispers of the universe. What will be, will be.

You have your cry, let it out! But, come back to find some joy in your life….don’t stay in that type of mental, okay???

Thank you Michelle. I am learning that I need to let myself release pent up emotions, that holding it in is not good for me physically or mentally. Not going to stay there, for sure, but I need to let it out.

I am so so sorry, New Leaf.

Me too, Copa, sorry for all we have been through with our beloveds.

You’re stronger than you think.

I hope she and her boyfriend, if she insists on him being in her life, can find a safe, sterile place for her.

Thank you Crayola. There is strength in letting go, feeling what needs to be felt and rising above. I hope Rain does keep her appointments and looks after her health. That is up to her. She is blessed to be alive. Hopefully one day she will see that.
We have a busy weekend with sports events and birthdays. It will be good to be with the family and make good memories.
It is a bizarre thing, loving actively addicted wayward adult children. I was thinking about how different our worlds are. My well kids and grands working hard to live their lives and find joy, my two waywards out there, chasing the dragon.
They appear and disappear and we are left to pick up the pieces and carry on.
Sigh
Thank you all for your loving support.
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Tornado sent a text yesterday asking me to help her get her things from the sober living facility. Huh. I was taken aback, okay, I was angry. What was she thinking? That I would go and help her move back under the bridge? Just no. I didn’t reply. I told my son and he texted her back saying that I was not in a space to talk, (true) he told her to call him. She called and he said she was chatty and obviously with her street friends.
I am not about to help her go back to that life. I will be there if or when she chooses otherwise.
She violated her probation and will eventually be picked up on a bench warrant. I have some time to think things through to decide whether or not I will put funds into her jail phone account. Right now, I am thinking not. I don’t know how she continues on this trend of trying to connect with family, then sliding back to that world. Does she even consider how it hurts her kids? Her siblings? Her mother?
I will work through my feelings and figure out how to respond. Until then, switching focus to getting back to working on goals for my health.
She will choose as she does.
Hope you all have a good Monday. Back up the mountain to plant.
Leaf

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Tornado sent a text yesterday asking me to help her get her things from the sober living facility. Huh. I was taken aback, okay, I was angry. What was she thinking? That I would go and help her move back under the bridge? Just no. I didn’t reply. I told my son and he texted her back saying that I was not in a space to talk, (true) he told her to call him. She called and he said she was chatty and obviously with her street friends.
I am not about to help her go back to that life. I will be there if or when she chooses otherwise.
She violated her probation and will eventually be picked up on a bench warrant. I have some time to think things through to decide whether or not I will put funds into her jail phone account. Right now, I am thinking not. I don’t know how she continues on this trend of trying to connect with family, then sliding back to that world. Does she even consider how it hurts her kids? Her siblings? Her mother?
I will work through my feelings and figure out how to respond. Until then, switching focus to getting back to working on goals for my health.
She will choose as she does.
Hope you all have a good Monday. Back up the mountain to plant.
Leaf

How many years have you been going through this New Leaf? Has anything changed in the time you have done so? My daughter’s newest jailtime brought me to the slap in the face moment of WAKE UP!! Last time she was in jail I was not going to bail her out but her co-workers did. They let her sleep on their couch a few days but she needed a permanent place. Guess who??

This back and forth with your emotions, time and effort you know is not good for you. They obviously want no part of the life you want for them and continually test the waters to see how much until you break. Your son is involved in relaying messages for you, while admirable, it’s still letting them know…..okay Mom is super mad, let her cool off and will try her again later.

My choosing to not put any money into her jail account hurts me more than it does her. I am not visiting her this time either as I cannot bear to see in person the manipulation…I will do it this time Mom, I found God while in and am a different person, I will do whatever you want me too….promise. Nope, my hearts too fragile to go through that all again.

You are starting to show some strength in saying you won’t put money on her books. We each have to take this at our own pace but, I personally see where a lot of enabling is still happening. I do not mean that harshly, but with much caring for you….you have so much on your shoulders. Maybe step back for a bit and see how they fare? What bad could possibly come out of it that the girls have not already faced?

With my own daughter it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, I love her so so much. But, it’s h*ll living/helping her and h*ll leaving her to her own.

((HUGS))

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I just wanted to add something for you to think of. Maybe true or not in your daughter’s case but, my husband sees it daily. He is a mental health counselor and is on call several days out of the month. It’s pretty cold here where we live and more and more homeless are calling saying they need mental help and or suicidal. A lot of the homeless use these facilities for a few days to get out of the cold, have a few warm meals and a hot shower. Some even use our jails for the same thing.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Michelle,
Thank you for your quick reply and suggestions.

How many years have you been going through this New Leaf? Has anything changed in the time you have done so?

We have been dealing with my two daughter’s addiction for roughly 16 years. Much has changed, I no longer have a revolving door trying to “help” them from one crisis to the next. My dear hubs was ill with bouts of sepsis starting in 2013. Through that time, he insisted on trying to help our daughters by housing them. I put my foot down in 2015 after yet another dramatic incident with Tornado and her abusive boyfriend. No more housing them. That drove a wedge between hubs and I. He passed after another bout with sepsis in 2016. There have been challenges since then attached to the trauma brought about with loving addicted adult children, grands in the mix, etc.
There have been many changes and adjustments as far as figuring out how to deal with my two, or not deal with them.

My daughter’s newest jailtime brought me to the slap in the face moment of WAKE UP!! Last time she was in jail I was not going to bail her out but her co-workers did. They let her sleep on their couch a few days but she needed a permanent place. Guess who??

I decided early on that I would not attend my daughter’s court cases and would not visit her in jail, or bail her out. I have put money on a phone account, and have also gone no contact. When Tornado is in jail, she is a “model prisoner” (I know one of the guards there). She has had moments of clarity when detoxed off of meth, and I have seen glimpses of her old self. That has been good for her and me. Admittedly, the rollercoaster has been hard, and each encounter has served as a learning curve for me. I have stood my ground at not allowing her to come live in my home.

This back and forth with your emotions, time and effort you know is not good for you. They obviously want no part of the life you want for them and continually test the waters to see how much until you break.

I do realize that the back and forth is hard on my health. I do love my daughters and still have hope for them to realize their potential and find their light. What has changed is that I no longer feel that I am the person to “help” them do that. I’ve changed. My philosophy now stands to offer kindness when reasonable-(allow Rain to shower the few times she has appeared at the house). And I have told Tornado that as long as she is working at sobriety I will help here and there within my means.

Your son is involved in relaying messages for you, while admirable, it’s still letting them know…..okay Mom is super mad, let her cool off and will try her again later.

My son is a young adult and he will forge his own path as far as how he wishes to deal with his sister’s addiction. He is also trying to protect me, as he has witnessed firsthand how hard this is. For all of us.
We all have to deal with this as we see fit, and each of us are at different junctions.

My choosing to not put any money into her jail account hurts me more than it does her. I am not visiting her this time either as I cannot bear to see in person the manipulation…I will do it this time Mom, I found God while in and am a different person, I will do whatever you want me too….promise. Nope, my hearts too fragile to go through that all again.

I will have to gauge how I am feeling when my daughter eventually ends up back in jail. Definitely will not be visiting. Never have.

You are starting to show some strength in saying you won’t put money on her books. We each have to take this at our own pace but, I personally see where a lot of enabling is still happening.

I’m not sure if not putting money on her books shows “strength.” I think that is an individual call. In reading on detachment it does not mean we have to cut off communication with our wayward adult kids. I have done so when I felt the strain overbearing, gone no contact. That was not an easy thing. Enabling is a fine line. I don’t give my daughters money, I don’t seek them out on the streets. I won’t allow them to live in my home. If I am able to make some kind of connection, like visiting my daughter Rain in the hospital, I will. I don’t see that as enabling, she is still my daughter. I would be remiss if I did not reach out and God forbid, she passed. The emotional impact is difficult, but I think that I would suffer in my heart if I did nothing.

Maybe step back for a bit and see how they fare? What bad could possibly come out of it that the girls have not already faced?

I have stepped way back in many ways. As you well know, this is not a linear process. The bad that could come out of no connection at all would affect me greatly for the rest of my life. Lest I regret. With connection, there is always the possibility that my two will try to take advantage of me, that is the way of addiction. My work before me is to not do for them what they could for themselves, to not fall back into the rabbit hole of absorbing the drama and chaos and letting it affect my life and joy. That being said, I am still their mother, yes, as Copa said we are delusional, but it is what it is.

With my own daughter it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, I love her so so much. But, it’s h*ll living/helping her and h*ll leaving her to her own.

I agree it is hell. We all have to do what we can for our own lives and health with what tools and circumstances we have. I have worked hard on setting boundaries for my two, as well as boundaries for my own internal response, emotionally. That will be a lifelong journey. It does take some time and much processing to recover from the disappointment. With prayer and the help and support from the kind folks here, I have come a long way. Still a work in progress, but better than the past. The change I am seeking is within myself.
Not much has changed for my daughters, but I have no control over that.
Thank you for your reply and concern. We are all on a difficult journey here. Wishing us all oeace and strength of mind and heart.
New Leaf