When wallowing in depression seems normal....

[ScentofCedar]

It's the strangest thing, Esther. difficult child left us for the last time in February of 2006.

So, though there were some rough patches, it has been just over a year since we dealt with anything major.

Right now, believe it or not, I am wondering what life would be like if I were single, again. I never know whether I am working through unworked issues with my husband or whether we stayed together to deal with crisis after crisis ~ like two old horses harnessed to the same cart.

And now, there is nothing but this empty cart we are dragging around because that is what we have always done.

And that is one of the differences, I think.

I never thought about the marriage other than to nurture either husband or myself through (another) rough time.

And lately?

I want to play, and be cherished, and be seen as something other than the horse in the harness next to yours.

I wonder whether this is a normal stage for a marriage to go through. But I suspect it is more fallout from everything we have dealt with throughout the years.

Barbara

NOMAD, YOU FOX YOU! I finally have cleavage now that I am getting older? And I can't tell you how disconcerting it is to have a man look me in the boobs when he is talking to me.

I am always tempted to look down there myself to see what the heck he's looking at!

I swear, one of these days I AM going to look down my own shirt and say something smarty pants like "My boobs don't speak English."

Or something.

:rofl:

 

[judi]

lol

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. We love each other very much. However, we both grieve in different ways for the lost relationship with our difficult child. It has been incredibly stressful these past 8 years! However, we are doing the best we can.

 

[Irene_J]

I agree with Esther--this is a wonderful thread. I used to tell my therapist that if my difficult child was okay, then I was okay. During some of the darkest times, I used to think that I did not want to "make it" if my difficult child did not. What defeatist thinking.

I think my difficult child's improvement contributed to my divorce. My ex-husband (not difficult child's biodad) could see the cloud lifting with difficult child's improvement, high school graduation and community college enrollment. I wanted to shorten my commute by moving, become a member of Philadelphia museum, and become a Big Sister when my difficult child graduated. He tried to put his foot down and make demands, but he slipped and slid right on out the door--permanently!

Although my difficult child's mouth is still a problem sometimes, I am grateful for each day. I'm not quite ready to date (and I never want to marry again) but my daughter and I share tender moments, talk about her future (she wants to be a teacher) and daydreams about her perfect wedding (whenever it comes).

difficult children can make us forget that life is a gift to be enjoyed. Sometimes we have to reach for joy.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Barbara, you are going to just LOVE you!. You've got an amazing sense of self, life, love, etc. You and husband are quite a pair. Your'e adventuresome, full of laughter and thought.

I met you :smile:

 

[ScentofCedar]

:flower:

Sunny!!!

:smile:

Barbara

 

[CAmom]

Barbara, you just need to fill that cart up with something else. A dream that you both had before you had children. Then, pulling that cart side by side with your life partner will only get you to that dream quicker.

I've been feeling a lot of what you all have. Since our son was arrested last August and taken first to JH and then to his group home, we have had an empty nest. We've both done some grieving and continue to do so on and off in our very different ways. There are very many times that I look at my husband and try to remember what we talked about and did before we decided to become parents. I remember enjoying each others company and having fun. We did that for the first fifteen years of our marriage. When our son arrived, we continued doing so up until around when he started kindergarten, and the problems started.

Now, it's just the two of us, probably for good, and I've felt useless--my role as a mother yanked from me. We both feel as though we've been through the wars--weary, battle scarred, and defeated.

BUT, we've planned a road trip to Canada, a trip we made BGFG (before difficult child) and always wanted to do again. To be honest, the LAST thing I want to do is take off in a motor home for two weeks. As much as I love my husband, he's not the happy, outgoing, sunny-tempered man I've been with for thirty-five years. I guess I'm not the sweet, bright-eyed optimist I used to be either. I'm not sure how this trip will turn out.

BUT, I'll be DARNED if I allow our son's choices and consequences to ruin another day of the short time we've been given on this earth, so we're going to take that trip, plodding side by side, and HOPE that, somewhere along the way, we can heal our spirits somewhat and rediscover at least some of the joy we used to have in our relationship and life in general.

 

[ScentofCedar]

CAMom, are you going to be able to post during your Canadian vacation? It would be interesting to follow through that experience with you.

husband and I have been in Florida since November. New environment, new friends, new lifestyle altogether than the one we have in Wisconsin.

I would say changing our environments DOES make a difference in who we perceive ourselves to be.

I was telling one of us that I began doing morning pages about nine weeks ago, and have found them helpful in tracking the random "let's beat myself up today because of the way everything has turned out" thoughts.

Maybe that would help?

Just write three long hand pages first thing in the morning. You never need to look at them again.

But you do get a look at what you are telling yourself when you don't think you are listening.

Canada in a motor home, huh?!?

I think you will have a wonderful time.

What a good idea, really ~ to hop in your house and drive away.

Barbara

 

[CAmom]

Barbara, what a brilliant idea--to write out the self-pity stuff.

"But you do get a look at what you are telling yourself when you don't think you are listening."

I love this!

I'm also going to find myself a therapist to help me get through this. I think I really need it. Yesterday, I found myself in tears about a glaring mistake I made, mommy-wise, as far back as KINDERGARTEN! All the kids would get their hands stamped for good behavior as they exited the classroom. My son, who simply could not (or would not...I'm still not sure) sit still and focus but rather saw only a room full of potential playmates, would come out of the classroom in tears every day without a stamp. Instead of encouraging him to do what the other kids were doing to earn that hand stamp, I went shopping and made up a daily "goody bag" with candies and little toy treats that put those hand stamps to shame! OMG! I can see now how wrong that was and, worse, how much I've STILL been doing the equivilent by trying to "fix" things for him in his current situation. I SO need some therapy!

Anyway, yes, I go nowhere without my laptop, so I'll keep anyone who's interested posted about our trip. We live on the central coast area in California (Monterey/Carmel/Pebble Beach) so we're thinking about traveling up the coast for a way. It's a very beautiful trip, especially, the Washington coast, Olympic National Park area, which is a rain forest. In order to get to Vancouver Island, British Columbia, you must take a ferry that winds through many beautiful little islands--also a wonderful trip. I THINK I'm looking forward to it...I seem to have picked up a very tiny case of agoraphobia in that I feel very insecure about being away from home. But, it's not stopping me!