When will I learn, to just zip it???

[totoro]

OK this has been building up for a couple of weeks. K has been coming home crying a few times, Miss B has been yelling at her, putting her in time out... I have talked to K and told her she needs to try and listen to Miss B, K is having a HARD time sitting still, can't be quiet, can't stop moving... she is having Tourettes like movements. She is doing horribly at home, but she is trying SO hard.
Her psychiatrist has not returned our call in over 2 weeks... so her medications our still not right. I have mentioned these things to Miss B. She will not talk to me.
The other day K and I were running errands and *I* forgot K's backpack so I dropped K off and told her to tell Miss B that I would return and drop off the backpack, tell her it was my fault. husband returned and walked in to see K looking down and looking miserable, Miss B was degrading K and saying, "We need to be responsible for our own things, we don't blame our Mommies for forgetting our Backpack's, it is our responsibility to remember our own things" husband walked in and said to Miss B, "Hi I am dropping of K's backpack that her MOM forgot"
She just said "Well she needs to learn to be responsible for her own things" and when husband tried to explain that we out running errands, she turned her back on him and walked away!!!

SO the next day I was talking to *I's* Mommy and she has concerns about Miss B as well, he has come home crying also. She was volunteering that day.
I ran into her later, this was last night....she tells me that 25 minutes into class someone says where is K?
Miss B says "She is not here todays" T says "Yes she is I saw her and her Mommy this morning"
Miss B says "No sometimes she just doesn't come to school"
T goes into the hall and sees K's stuff in her cubby, but no K... she starts getting scared!!!
She goes back in and says "I saw her this morning!"
So MIss B finally gets up and goes into the office and comes back and says "Oh she is at speech, and so is Gabe" She says this with an attitude.

T was !!!

So long story... I call the principal... she stands up for Miss B. Miss B says she Didn't see speech teacher take them out of line, but that none of what T told me happened. That it was no big deal! (this is the principal talking)
Miss B calls me later, acts like she knows nothing, "What did you need to talk about?" I said well I think you already know?"

She proceeded to talk in circles, I caught her in 3 lies, she was stuttering. She called T a lier. Said she could never voulunteer again! I said this has nothing to do with her. She kept laughing.
At that point I said , First of all I would appreciate it if you would stop laughing RIGHT NOW!!!
My daughter has mental Illness, when someone calls me and tells me that NO-ONE knows where she is for 25 minutes, I find nothing FUNNY about that, DO YOU?
SHe never said a word again except UH UH.
I told her how I did not appreciate her ridiculing my daughter in front of the class over the back pack, and calling her a lier, how she may be smart but her mental capacity is not that of a 6 yo, I told her how she comes home crying and is afraid of her.

I basically told her everything I have been trying to tell her for the past few months but she would not listen. I then told her that all she ever says is "I don't see it"
I said it you really don't see any of this then you are dellusional.
I asked her if she really had nothing to say? She said in her patronizing tone, "I am just taking all of this in"

I said "Fine, I truly hope you can start treating my child with some decency'



So husband and I are starting the process of looking into moving again... he is not mad at me. He knew it was going to happen. I have had a bunch of parents come to both of us and say how mean she is to the kids... she is the only teacher and they are covering for her... the SD is awful. Our psychiatrist is MIA... We have no options left here, we have given it 2 years. I don't know what else we can do. we are beating a dead horse... sorry horses. I am sad. I will let her stay in class as long as she is OK but I am going to pull her the minute I feel it is getting worse. No-one at the SD will listen. They all make up excuses for her.

I am sad, but I think it needed to be done. Everyone said they were proud of me, I just hate to always have to be the one.... :sad:

 

[meowbunny]

I would have probably spoken up long before you did -- like the day I found out my child was being berated for MY mistake. In this one, husband is wrong. You did the right thing.

The only thing I would be afraid of would be retaliation by Miss B. She sounds like the type who would take it out on the kids.

That the SD will do nothing to rein this teacher in is so sad. Our little ones need all the protection they can get and part of that protection should be from teachers and any other adults in their lives.

Is there no other school you can transfer her to now? Maybe if all the parents of Miss B's class got together something could be done? This woman needs to be teaching high schoolers, not little ones.

 

[flutterbee]

This woman has no business teaching 5 year olds, mental illness or not. What a piece of work.

I'm so sorry your psychiatrist is MIA. I can only imagine the frustration and helplessness you must be feeling.


(((hugs)))

 

[TerryJ2]

That teacher sounds like a snot. Even 6-yr-olds at appropriate age level need to be given slack for remembering things.
So sorry.
I would have said something, too. I can understand what the teacher means, in reg to the backpack, but she handled it very poorly. And to not know where your child is, is unconscionable. Just ridiculous.
Do you mean moving, as in, new house, new neighborhood? Or just new school?

 

[SRL]

I think that you're right in that your children require better services than is available in your area. In the mean time have you gone to the top as in the school district superintendent about this teacher?

 

[Star*]

Toto-

We went through a similar thing with difficult child in 1st grade. This woman was impossible!! She was 23 and had just had twin daughters. She was short, and had that "I just got finished with college I'm going to make a difference" nare do well attitude. Like I was an idiot and she was a demi-God. Not kidding.

I reported her for taping a note with 2" clear packing tape entirely around my sons body and leaving him out to the very end of the curb to be picked up. I reported her with written letter when she refused to do anything out a little boy who was a crack baby that constantly picked on my son - Dude finally cococked the kid with a lunch tray and laid him out cold. Had it not been for my letter he would have been suspended. The child later bit the principal and kicked him in the privates.

On another occasion after working a double shift I (still in pajamas) put on a full length leather duster and my boots, forgot to brush my hair remembering after the fact I must have looked like something out of Beyond Mad Max - I still had curlers in my hair. I went in and kept on with the exact same type attitude you had been given except by the time I got done with this woman - she was in tears. I turned and asked her if it was going to make her day BETTER or WORSE that the (very much) bigger person had made her cry to get my point across.

Years later she told me she had been suffering from post partum depression, her husband cheating on her right after the babies were born, and lack of money forced her to eat grits nearly every day. NOT my problem. I told her that she lays a foundation for her kids and MINE now because of her hates school - WHY would it have been so hard to just get him out of her class and into another? Her comment? She begged to keep him - she liked a challenge. WHAT CHALLENGE? HE was awesome in Kindergarten and she ruined that for him.

I don't know what to say - but move if you must. My money after that was on the fact that JUST because you are a school teacher does NOT mean you are good with kids - and my kids first grade teacher KNOWS that now - she got out of teaching a short time after 1st grade to my son.

Miserable bat -

If you feel that strongly about it - pull her out and home school her or find a little private school - something.

Sorry for your troubles.

Hugs
Star

 

[Hound dog]

Start talking lawsuit and watch them change their tone and their behavior FAST.

Um, lawsuit? Why? Oh, I dunno. Perhaps emotional/mental abuse of my disabled child in the classroom? Does that sound good to you? Last time I checked, discrimation toward the disabled is against the law. Oh, and let's not forget all of the wonderful publicity the press is sure to give the sd when I give them the story on a silver platter.

I left out physical abuse. But that is exactly what I said to our sd when a teacher treated Travis that way..... and worse. If this is what was witnessed, imagine what has gone on that no one has SEEN.

I was dead serious. School figured out in 5 mins I wasn't fooling. I had witnesses, wasn't just my word against theirs. They did an about face in a hurry. Teacher was fired.

You have a witness. They know you do.

You might still consider moving. But I wouldn't back down. (and didn't) I went into the principal ready to make heads roll literally if necessary.

They're poo pooing it because no one has ever stood up to them or called them on it.

If it were my kid, I'd arm myself with all the legalities from over in Special Education and go sic em!

But I can be vicious when an adult messes with my kids, especially an adult authority figure.

Hugs

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Did you say moving?


Like, to where your husband works?


:laugh:

 

[totoro]

Hee hee... no the move would be to Tucson... not back to Chicago. Sorry... :frown:

I would want to be in the country a little bit, our psychiatrist in Chicago, who is concentrating on research now, has referred us to a psychiatrist in Tucson. We could get some land in Tucson. Our Inlaws have a house there as well, so they would visit more and help. The resources are better, we have researched them, and will continue to do so...
husband's partner is in Tucson also... we have been researching the area for a year already... We have a psychiatrist apt on hold...

We would have much more support, better health care, better school options,(not just one)... more family... and land to get a horse if K wanted to pursue that and they more riding facilities in the area.
They actually have advocates, and special needs services... support groups etc.

Our therapist and Family doctor both feel we are at the end of the road... I feel sad but. What can we do???
I am tired of fighting with no options... no one caring. We lost 4% of students last year, it is going to get worse... people are moving here to retire... or can't afford to live here... the schools are going to get worse.

 

[1 Day At a Time]

When easy child was in the second grade we had a first year teacher who was unbelievable - and not in a good way...

We were thinking about leaving the school but we thought again about all of the property taxes we had been paying for years . We contacted some other parents from the class and discovered that everyone else was on the same page - toying with the idea of leaving the school. So, feeling a little guilty and somewhat subversive we started having "parent meetings" in the evenings.

We strategized and realized that our strength was in our numbers - and that we needed to do this in a simple but powerful way... So we went to the principal for meetings, both individually and in a group; and said only the magic mantra "Our child's needs are not being met in this classroom". There was no blaming, no finger pointing, no drama.

The teacher was gone in a month. I highly recommend this approach for the time that you have left in this classroom. I have discovered over the years that learning and using your SD's key phrases (whatever they are) without emotion and blaming is extremely productive!

That being said, I am so sorry that you all are having to go through this experience. We all want our children to learn to love school and learning - not dread the whole experience! I'm hoping that you can find a better situation for your dear daughter.

 

[Steely]

Well, I think moving may be a smart idea. If you know for a fact that the resources are better in Tuscan, than I cannot imagine why you would not want to take advantage of that. Especially if you have family there that can give you respite. I, for one, would not be able to tolerate a psychiatrist not calling back for 2 weeks! That is major B...S.... It took me 7 years to find a psychiatrist that would live up to my standards, (i.e. calling back within 24 hours), but I finally did.......and it was worth every minute of trialing and erroring a zillion psychiatrists until we found the right one.

As far as the teacher.........that, I would have to say, was our norm. It drove me so bat crazy, I finally pulled out my son and homeschooled him for awhile. If you can find a better SD elsewhere, than pursue it! However, I would caution you, that your expectations may be too high. Unfortunately the training and pay for teachers is not in the favor of a mentally ill child, instead they are simply there to meet SD test scores and standards, and to heck with the rest of the kids. Sorry to be so negative, but I am quite jaded in this regard. Reality is reality!

I support you in whatever choice you and husband make.........I am positive you will make the right one.

 

[Marguerite]

If you move, your child will (hopefully) be better off. She will be away from a teacher that is giving her a hard time.

BUT - your child will be feeling better because she escaped. You do not want to set up a future coping strategy where she deals with difficult situations by leaving. While it is a good strategy AT TIMES, you DO need to learn to deal with problems APPROPRIATELY.

And even if in this case it is YOU dealing with it, if you stay and the teacher goes (or learns to moderate her behaviour to something more appropriate) then your child will learn how to be strong.

Sometimes it is the right thing to walk away, and sometimes it's worth having a go at standing your ground.

To stand your ground effectively and appropriately, you need to put your concerns in writing and address them to the Principal. You've already communicated to the teacher and she hasn't seen fit to change her attitude based on the new information you gave her. So it's time to go over her head.

But put it in writing (try to stay calm) and ask for a response, promptly, in writing. Also ask for a meeting. If you have other parents backing you up with similar problems, then work as a team. And never lose sight of your aim - you want the problem to stop. This doesn't necessarily mean a person has to lose her job - if she can change and do the right thing by the children, then not only have you won for your child, but you have won for all the children this woman will teach in the future. You will also have won for the school and the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) attitude because they will realise you are not just trying to make trouble, you are trying to have a serious concern properly addressed (in other words, you are doing their job) and that parents WILL take this sort of action if they don't so their job. So the SD will learn.

And above all, your child will learn - how to stand up for herself appropriately, she will learn that she is valued (worth fighting for), she is believed, and she will learn that you care about her, enough to do this. She will also learn to feel strong and not always hide when life gets tough.

If you do all this and it doesn't work, THEN you can leave, knowing you tried. If, after all your efforts, they do not accept the need for change, then you can leave knowing that any problems are not your fault.

I've done both these things. It's amazing what you can change when you try, and it's amazing how many grateful people come out of the woodwork. And it's also good to take a big breath of fresh air in a new place, after you did all you could and then chose to walk away knowing you tried your best.

If my child were in a class like this and witnessing this sort of institutionalised bullying, I would like to think that other parents (not just me) would fight it. Even the easy child kids witnessing this - it's very unhealthy.

Marg

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Ah. Tuscon. Of course.


It's a DRY heat.

 

[totoro]

I agree with you guy's.
We most likely will end up having to move regardless. Because of the lack of psychiatrist's and the the SD getting worse.
But this does not mean I am pulling K out and this does not mean she really knows what is going on. As I told the teacher she is very bright but mentally not always 6yo...
I am meeting with another parent Tuesday. I am keeping track of this. I am writing a letter today to the Principal and teacher regarding K being depressed and upset over the weekend regarding her homework afraid Miss B would yell at her... that she was stupid... that Miss B would get mad at her... I am going to start giving the Principal and teacher copies of all letters. I will talk to parents and keep track. I am going to call head of special services and talk to her.
See what other parents say and go from there.

I am going to try and keep my composure!!! Stay calm, breathe!!! This is my first go round... so I am learning.. once again thank you all.

 

[Marguerite]

No child of 6 should be saying, "I am stupid," unless she's heard the word before. And to say it in context with homework - I doubt it's other classmates using the word. For a teacher to use this word is unfortunately as common as it is unacceptable.

Marg