Where do we go from here.

[BusynMember]

Star, I love how you say things. It's so true. School is important and if the school feels a child is a problem and is unwilling to go out of their way to help, it is not good for that child. And if that is the philosophy of the school, things are unlikely to change. J. is a bright, witty little boy with more energy than some little boys and he may be a little non-typical, but he is clearly capable of learning and should have every chance to reach his potential. Kids pick up the vibes of the adults surrounding them.
Malika, have you considered a Montessori? My oldest went to one for a few years because he was hyper too but he learned fast and he really, really liked it and learned a lot. He was also not the type of child who liked to sit in his desk and got into a lot of mischief because of that as the years went on...he would tap on his desk, or scribble on paper while the teacher was talking or talk to and distract his friends and his teachers never liked him. This was in spite of him getting almost all A's in class. I think teachers tend to favor kids who sit quietly in class, don't talk, and just do their work without any problem. It's natural for teachers to like working with easier children, but that sort of learning doesn't work for all kids. And it should not mean they are given up on.
In high school, my son stopped trying so hard and his grades fell to C's and he tried to get out of going to school. In fact, he became school phobic. I do not mean that this will happen to J., but kids do get tired of always being put down by teachers. To this day, it makes me sad because this particular son has a very high IQ and had a lot of potential...he could have done anything. But school became someplace he didn't want to go to.

 

[Malika]

Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. Mattsmom, what you say is right, I think. The teacher also says that it is J's inability to concentrate for long on things he doesn't find interesting that are stopping him advancing in reading - at the same time, apparently he learns well when one to one with a teacher. So that in a sense seems to be an alternative to medications. I'm not totally opposed to giving medications a trial run but it is true that my reservations about them run quite deep, not just because of the side effects from which one cannot be totally free but because my way of viewing ADHD is possibly a bit different. Rather than "normality" being the only desirable position, I see ADHD as a difference that a child has that can be accommodated and learnt to be lived with - for me this would involve a more interesting journey and the acquisition of more valuable skills than just being medicated. I know, of course, the arguments about loss of self-esteem that arises through always being criticised and put down, etc, and they are valid ones. It's just that, whereas I hear other parents of ADHD kids in France saying that their kids really suffer from being ADHD and make comments about not understanding why they are different, hating themselves, etc, J has NEVER said anything like this. He seems not to see himself as different from others or as less than them, though he has sometimes got angry about being punished all the time at school (with the previous teacher) or told he is naughty.
Susiestar, the point you make is valid. The teacher seems really pretty clueless about special needs and flummoxed by the fact that J is apparently unlike any other child he has ever met. He seems a nice enough chap and I don't think he is particularly giving J a message that he is stupid or less than the others - J himself does not perceive that, unlike with the previous teacher. He says the teacher says he is very good at writing and at maths. But of course it could all be better. The thing is, the point of dilemma is, that J himself likes school so much and doesn't want to go anywhere else. Believe me, he would let me know if he wasn't happy - there was a nursery he went to in Morocco, aged 3, that he hated and he used to cry all the time, shriek in fact, insist he didn't want to go, grab hold of me and not let me go when I left him, etc... then he went to a different, French nursery with a very sympathetic teacher that he loved and a big space to play in and it was a very different experience. In terms of reading, J just doesn't like it, seems to find it really difficult. He is not reading in any meaningful sense. He will decipher syllables or even whole words when prompted, but never by himself - you have to be with him and encourage him for him to get that far. It seems to cause him real stress and he will start shrieking when I want to practise a little reading with him. French also has its difficulties for beginning readers (as English does too, like our crazy spelling!) and he is at a slight disadvantage for he has a smaller vocabulary than French kids of his age, because of also speaking English.
I really don't think J is treated like an outsider at the school. He is rejected by other parents when it comes to his hyperactivity, and that seems to be very standard. He is invited to few birthday parties, for example. I don't know whether it's because of his sociability and powerful personality, but he does not seem excluded by other children - the previous teacher once told me that J is charismatic and other children want to play with him. At any rate, if J himself hated school and was unhappy there, the decision would have been made... we simply wouldn't be there any more, given all the other factors. But routine and stability are so important for children, and I can see how his behaviour has improved over time, which I guess is related to this stability. I'm sure you understand my dilemma... I'm fed up with the village (population 500!), the insularity and gossip, the neighbours that I hear shouting the whole time, the lack of a garden, etc, etc... but J... is is happy as Larry here. Of course he might be happy as Larry somewhere else too, after a period of adaptation. It's just difficult to tear him away from his little world.
MWM, yes I think that things are going to get harder the more time goes on because school is very dry and academic here, not really geared to children. It does slightly depend on the teacher you get, of course. I don't think J is ever going to be an A student but he is bright in his own way and would probably fare well in a Montessori or alternative school. But you understand the problems of starting over and moving to a different part of France with absolutely no contacts, which we would have to do if he is to go to an alternative school...
A friend says I should try and dream about it, get inspiration from the stars

 

[DammitJanet]

You know, until reading all this I had forgotten something. When Jamie was in Kindergarten he was much like J I think. It has been a very long time since he has been in that grade...lol. I used to go in for parents nights and the teachers would tell me they had no clue how in the world he was learning a darned thing in class because he spent all day, every day wandering around the room looking out the windows, picking stuff up, etc. Basically your classic ADHD kid. That was when he first started taking ritalin and back then mental health took his ritalin to school and they gave it to him there.

Funny thing was he WAS learning and he could answer anything they asked of him. Now he has never been a good speller and he has never liked to read for fun but he learned.

I was convinced Cory didnt know how to read at all until they tested him and he was grades ahead of his class. He never just sat down to read. He would take a book and wander all over the yard or playground while reading the books. It was the oddest thing I ever saw.

 

[DDD]

Back in the 60's when GFGmom was unable to settle down at school (and absolutely unable to recognize letters and numbers) one of the psychiatrist's I tried said to me "Do you know that Albert Einstein did not learn to read until he was ??? twelve(maybe)?" I've never looked up that fact but have heard it referenced a few times over the years. Somehow that made me realize that one can't judge at five or six or seven what the future capability may be. It was a comfort to me.

GFGmom had to be taught using unconventional methods in a small private school. In less than a year, once she "got it" she was on a par with her peer group. She became and remains an avid reader. Life is often surprising. DDD

 

[whatamess]

I think, more often than is recognized, intensive interventions are applied and applauded as the catalyst for improvements when in actuality the child would have made the improvements simply because of the passage of time (and hence maturity and further exposure to the concept/challenge/task). I REALLY think this would be the case with J.

 

[Malika]

I hope you're right, whatamess. Judging from experience so far, it looks like J learns these kind of things much more slowly than average kids. So it remains to be seen how that will leave him playing catch-up.

Do parents of "normal" children appreciate just what an easy ride they've got with this sort of thing??

 

[InsaneCdn]

Do parents of "normal" children appreciate just what an easy ride they've got with this sort of thing??

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/where-do-we-go-here-52203/index3.html#ixzz2JHrmSlB1

Two answers, differing points of view... because "it depends"...

1) Nope.
2) It's amazing how many parents out there only think they have easy child kids...

 

[Ktllc]

Do parents of "normal" children appreciate just what an easy ride they've got with this sort of thing??

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/where-do-we-go-here-52203/#ixzz2JHq9ekRw

YES! Some do and I am one of them. I'm talking about Partner.
Anyone could raise 100 kids like Partners, he is that easy going, understand things fast, goes with the flow.
But I also keep in mind that, in the future, things could change and maybe he will be a very difficult teen or maybe not...
You have the "luxury" of choice. Because of your job, family structure, history, etc, you have the hard decision to choose between several paths.
Think about J but, please, think about yourself as well. Don't oversacrify. You need to be happy, balanced as well. It will reflect onto J.
What seems so important today, might not be tomorrow. As much as possible, try to step back. When I say that, I think of several things: how long it takes J to master reading, French citizenship, moving again.
Vey few people are or have been in your situtation. We can can only give advice according to our own experiences.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Ktlc? easy for YOU to appreciate Partner... you have a non-neurotypical to compare to...
What about parents with ONLY "easy child" kids?
I'm not so sure they understand just what a gift they have.

 

[Malika]

And to tell the truth (I'm probably saying this because we've had a basically good period since returning from the holiday in Morocco: will this be famous last words?), I don't know whether I would change anything about J, good or bad. He is SO sweet and funny, really the sweetest and funniest child I've ever met, and I kind of admire the tremendous strength of personality that lies behind his oppositionality and obstinacy, even though I don't at all enjoy those things in themselves. Would I prefer for things to be easier for him at school? Well, yes, but then in a way the problem isn't really him it's the system that is geared only towards a one-size-fits-all education. If only I could have foreseen all this, I would not have put him in a conventional school at the beginning. But I couldn't and I didn't - and if nothing else, he's got beautiful handwriting out of it

 

[whatamess]

I would look at his current schooling as a 'character building' opportunity. Having a perfect fit (if it even exists) might not develop other strengths (non-academic), maybe this school is helping in other non-visible ways. Maybe his struggles in conforming to classroom protocol drives him to excel on the sports field- who knows?!

 

[Malika]

Well, I think life is just life, really - and wherever you are, however it is, there are opportunities for growth and learning. I am sure you are right, of course J is learning all sorts of things in his school. It's not a disaster.
By the way, a woman is coming to give J private tuition in reading this Saturday and will come once a week! She is a retired primary school teacher so has lots of experience.

 

[HaoZi]

Hope the private tutor works out well for him, can't wait to hear!