Why can't husband just let things go? Controlling over daughter's schoolwork

[allhaileris]

We've had daughter back a week and husband is falling right back into his horrible patterns again.

He's always been on daughter's case about getting her homework done. To the point of her being in her room, all day long never getting to do anything. She has a math Learning Disability (LD) and he gets mad at her time and time again for putting down wrong answers. I refuse to play this stupid game. If she doesn't do her homework, I really don't want to fight about it and have told the teachers such. They know that the aids are supposed to help on Thurs/Fri if her homework isn't done. And it's not like he actually teaches anything, he just tells her that it's wrong and to do it over. If I can't get it through to her by explaining it in a couple different ways, I figure she's not going to get it (for now) and it'll be brought up again. Or her teachers, who know how to teach, will show her.

He just called me complaining that she was sitting at the dining table for an hour and refused to do a single problem. Whose having a tantrum now? The 42 year old kid is. He got all huffy and complaining and I just didn't want to hear it. I am at work, I don't need to have a horrible mood because I'm having to tell him how to parent (that he never listens to). I hung up on him.

I keep trying to poiint out how he's messing up with her. I try to do this out of her earshot. Very rarely he seems to listen or acknowledge anything. Most of the time it's her fault, her problem for doing something wrong, never his fault for his sucky attitude (totally condesending, mean, mad at the world...none of which he'll acknowledge).

This part of me really, really wants to tell the social worker all of his bad issues, but I would assume they'd make a bigger deal of it all. He really just needs anti-depressants and something for his ADD. Just about every time I google some behavior of his that I'm puzzling over, the top results land on ADD. I *so* have two difficult children (by the way I really hate that term, which is why I don't use it).

 

[Ktllc]

I'm sorry for the bad day. If you can't get through your husband, maybe talking to the social worker is not such a bad idea.
I would be very cautious of the words you choose though. Maybe try to find some general, non judgemental terms to discribe it: we have different approaches, different parenting style, we need to find a middle ground. The social worker might have some idea on how to get you guys on the same page.
Would he accept to have a time limit to his approach? Like: you handle the way you think is right, but if there is no positive outcome after 40 minutes, then we need to try a different method or just forget about (assuming the issue is homework).
It is such a fine line to walk.

 

[keista]

I agree he's being a difficult child. You're at work, what does he expect you to do from there? And OMG! There's no way I would have been married as long as I was if I called husband to complain about the kids. Sorry, in my opinion it's just not right for the non working parent to call the working parent and bug them with the day to day stuff. Wait til they get home. That's part of the point of having one parent stay home - attention does not have to be split between home and work.

I would suggest to him that he needs to back off a bit. Not for her sake, but for his own (yes we all know it's more for her). His current approach hasn't been working so he needs to adjust his approach, otherwise he'll drive all three of you nuts!

Yes, I would discuss this with the social worker and have her help HIM figure out the plan. Ultimately, he's the one spending more time with her and doing more of the hands on parenting, so whatever the plan is, he's got to be the one that's most comfortable with the execution of the plan. Make sense?

 

[tiredmommy]

Any chance you could get with her teacher to have math HW scaled back or have it written into her IEP that she gets to do it in-school, you know, because she gets wrong answers. (wink, wink)?

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry he is being unhelpful about this. this really doesn't sound like a good dynamic for hs relationshp with his child. I don't know what your dynamic is in the relationship, but have you considered telling him that you are taking over all school and homework issues and he is NOT going to do this because it is unhealthy for difficult child? It sounds like this is a big problem and for crying out loud, she is only 9. Maybe in late jr high or high school, but right now? This is NOT going to improve ANY issue. Has he read The Explosive Child? in my opinion he will not only never get her to do homework, he is going to make it so that she hates school and possibly even hates him. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the only outcome I can see for his approach. If he wants any type of relationshp with her once she is an adult, he needs to let this issue be one he stays out of unless he can change his approach.

This is only going to cause more problems for difficult child, esp in the self image area. It also is incredibly unhealthy, in my opinion. Are you able to go toe-to-toe with him and force him to not do this? Or maybe have her go to afterschool care or a tutor for all homework instead of going home to do it with Dad? This would be an issue that my husband would have to give in on, because I wouldn't tolerate it and would go ballistic if he persisted. I know too many adults who grew up with that and now hate school, learning and their parents.

 

[Bunny]

Ugh!! I can see this is not going to end well if he continues to push her the way that he is. Is it that he feels that when he went to school homework got done no matter what? If the teachers know that your approach is that if the homework gets done, it gets done or ff not, the aide works with her to help her, then husband needs to get on board with that approach. If he is unable to present a unified front, which would include not making a HUGE issue out of math homework, then I would absolutely talk to the social worker about ways to approach this problem. husband is not doing difficult child any favors by behaving this way and she is going to grow to resent him.

I hope that things get better.

 

[Cheerwyn]

I could have written your post, except for the fact that my son is 7 years old? husband is a stay at home dad and is extremely rigid when dealing with our son. (husband has Aspberrgers). He sees DS's failure to focus as a personal insult. I've gotten those annoying calls at work that are full of negativity and nitpicking by husband. Now I'm the one to help with homework after I get home from work. Sigh.

I don't post much but wanted to post to empathise with you.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm right t here with Susie Star. Is this her biological father? He sounds difficult himself and uncompromising and perhaps not the best parent to stay at home with your child. Sounds like he is a total control freak. Is he open to counseling? I think he could use some.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I doubt it's "ADD/ADHD" for husband. Probably something more than that.

I'm not a "professional", by any means - but we have every flavor of ADD and ADHD running in various branches of the family - including every single being (not just persons) in this house, in particular. That isn't ADD/ADHD. There IS something going on with husband, probably multiple things... and it's really tough to get DHs to admit THEY just might have a problem... but... somehow, that is going to have to get ON the table...

JMO.

 

[allhaileris]

Yep, he's her bio-dad, and yes, I think it's more than ADD, I think he's at least borderline Aspergers. I had to go meet with the SW yesterday and I mentioned that the one thing I need the two of them to work on is their communication. Yes, there is a whole mess of issues he has. I keep telling him he needs to let things go. I don't understand why he has to make a big deal out of every stupid little thing. It's not just her, it's everything, everybody, every situation.

He hasn't read ANY parenting books, and in the past few months has exhibited some reading comprehension issues (all the forms and legal docs have been really hard for him to read, I read them more than twice as fast).

I am trying to find an after school program of some sorts for her. Somewhere that she could do homework, and then do activities with kids until I get off work at 4:30.

And yes, she hates him and that's why the whole CPS thing happened (she hurt herself and blamed it on him). I think they're going to force him to do counseling, which would be for the best. We'll find out next week.

 

[Giulia]

Hello allhaileris,
I will also suggest you to talk to the SW if you feel confident with the SW.
But if you don't think so, find someone else. If the SW is making anyone (you, husband or daughter) guilty, run away and find someone else.
I will also abide about being matter of fact, non judgmental. Like "Every time daughter does the homework with you, she gets into crisis. I notice that every time you force her to continue her maths homework, the crisis is getting worse. So, what other solutions can you propose to make homework a bearable time for daughter with you ?".
I will also go further with telling you that you have to put the contract written (because otherwise, your husband will discuss everything you have decided with the SW to come back to his old methods).
I will also go further with telling you that you need to think about two or three non negotiable behaviors around homework when husband had to deal with daughter's homework. And you stick to them all the time.
Would daughter agree to be there ?

I don't think it can harm either.


Hang in there, you're not alone.