Why can't they just leave me alone???

[LoveMyDuke]

I've heard all your wonderful advice and words...and believe me, I agree. I am working on getting out. It's just not going to happen tonight.

My blood pressure is currently through the roof and I just need to vent. I am trying to study for an Enlightenment final and Dave's kid is screaming. SCREAMING. I don't know what it's over and I don't care. I just know that right now I cannot escape it. The library is closed and I need Internet. I have a portable fan, ceiling fan, white noise maker going, AND classical music playing loudly. I can STILL hear the tirade ensuing down there.

I'm upstairs in my study, where I spend all of my time while I'm here. They are downstairs in the family room. This home is a tri-level and there is a balcony which overlooks the family room. The balcony door is in Brandon's bedroom. I went in there to shut the door, and then his "regular" bedroom door, in an effort to block the screaming. As soon as I did this, the kid came upstairs charging at me...not physically but swearing and screaming in my face to get out of his room. I did not say a word. I just came back in here and shut the door and he eventually went away. Dave, of course, did not intervene at all.

Earlier there were pencils and papers all over the dining room floor. Not school papers, just things like junkmail and such. I'm not sure where it came from, but I picked it all up and threw it in the trash. Dave just barged in here and started screaming at me for "being a b***h" for throwing away his son's schools supplies. I simply responded that anything important should be taken better care of and not strewn about the dining room. He screamed at me about how my behavior is bull**** and other such profanity, then slammed the door and went away.

I'm just trying to study. That's all. Why can't they just leave me alone??

 

[LoveMyDuke]

AHHH...I forgot about the earplugs! Ear buds in this case, actually. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Marguerite for this brilliant suggestion. How could I have forgotten so quickly. Mozart blaring in my ears is far more tolerable than screaming child...who is now screaming in his bedroom just down the hall from me.

Poor Duke, I wish I could put doggie earplugs on him...

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

They're not going to leave you alone because that's not their nature. When is the last time they left you alone? They also may be getting more agitated because abusers really do have a sixth sense frequently, that signals them you've about had enough. Insecurity. Be careful, and hang in there!

 

[BusynMember]

Get an I-Pod with monster headphones, lock the door, and plan your escape. This kid is not going to be in your life forever. Keep remember...

I'm here in Wisconsin if ya need me Hope you got my e-mail.

 

[susiestar]

If they left you alone they would then turn and torture each other. It is somehow better (in their eyes) to pick on the "interloper". It means they have at least one family activity. (said very much tongue in cheek)

They also probably don't want to strain something trying to find another target.

As was mentioned, abusers DO have that sense about when their victims are getting ready to leave. PLEASE be careful.

Around here there are some 24 hour restaurants with wifi. It is common to see students in the booths drinking coffee and working. Just be sure to tip well. It might be a far better solution than trying to ignore the screaming.

Sending hugs and some rope to tie onto yours so you won't be all the way at the end hanging on to just one teensy thread.

 

[GoingNorth]

Arby's has Wi-Fi in a lot of locations. Chain laundromats do as well. Starbucks cut back on Wi-Fi, but still has it in some markets.

Libraries are almost always hotspots, but you would be piggy backing and that only if they have an unsecured network.

Like I said, I'm up the Oneida Cty. If you can PM me your location, I can check further into resources in your area and pass them on to you.

 

[LoveMyDuke]

Thanks to all of you for the support. I didn't think of wireless hotspots, but that's a good idea. I just worry leaving Duke here with them.

Last I heard when I left my room to let Duke out, Brandon was happily playing videogames. Nice reinforcement for those behaviors, huh. Oh well. Why do I even care? MWMom you nailed it on the head...this kid won't be in my life forever. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Also, no, I didn't get an email! I would have remembered that and responded. I will try PM'ing you my email address again.

GoingNorth--Ditto, I will PM you, as well. It really does make me feel better knowing there are people around me...even a couple hours away...who "get" all this madness and actually care.

Good news is that I found a reasonably priced storage locker nearby and will start taking things to it. Everything I own is here...and a lot of it is extremely sentimental, like things from my childhood, parents/grandparents and Ashley/Tim. I cannot leave those things behind.

Fortunately, Dave's perpetual state of oblivion will serve me well for that purpose. He will never notice the occasional box leaving the basement. Even if he did, I could easily say it was "family stuff" and my sister wanted it...he would never question this. Even dishes and household items are things I can easily move out....as long as his own stuff is still here he'll never notice that my coffee cups and silverware aren't in the cabinets anymore. And even if he did, I would fall back again on my sister. She is going through some rough financial times and I would just say she needed some household things. Again--he doesn't dig below the surface so he would never question this.

So anyway, I do have a plan. It's just not going to happen overnight. Thanks to all of you for being a shoulder.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you have a plan. Does it include calling Child Protection after you leave?

Whether we like a child and his behaviors or not, it is still our jobs to make sure they are not abused.

I am sure you have thought that out, though.

If it can be done anonymously, it MIGHT be better for Brandon if you called NOW. That way they will not write it off as a disgruntled or upset SO who wants to tear the family apart as she leaves.

Know what I mean??

I don't have a clue as to how the right way to handle this. I am sure you will figure it out.

 

[iloveturtles]

I am praying for you and wishing you the best.

Please be VERY careful. As stated by others those who abuse can sense when they are losing control, and they can start grasping for any last desperate attempt.

Please, please, please be careful.

 

[WSM]

Six weeks ago I left my husband and difficult child-stepson. difficult child didn't tantrum, he was just disturbed, but quietly, creepily, scarily so. You see movies about kids like that. And husband couldn't get it. He really thought/thinks if you coddle the kid, excuse him, make it easy for him, the difficult child will be so grateful and happy they won't do bad stuff any more. ANd then when it didn't work, husband would blow and rage at the kid. husband would either align with me against difficult child to align with stepson against me, depending on his mood--then 6 weeks ago there was a huge blow up after a day of husband following me around the house trying to start fights (my 19 yo son pointed out husband would often do it, try to start fights with me, and you know what, he's right). husband shoved me into the frig, I call 911, police took him, difficult child and stepdau out of the house and life has been good since.

husband's playing games with court, but, life is so nice without them here.

In fact, much to my surprise, I don't even miss stepdau...I'm worried about her--but resigned to the fact that she's fated to be damaged by that awful family. I try not to think about it, it would make me sad. It's best not to know what's going on.

But all in all, life is so much better.

If you have a job and activities and can support yourself, it sounds like you can get out, it's just psychological conflicts holding you back? I am not attempting to diagnose you, but if it's the case that you are worried about living alone, maybe you can rent a room in someone's house. Lots of people are renting out basements, suites or rooms to make extra money in this economy and you could move in quickly. Would that be an option for you? Maybe you can even rent a room and just escape there sometime when homelife gets too bad?

In any case, I'm sorry you are dealing with this; it's horrible and overwhelming and I've been there and know.

You will get out eventually, make it sooner rather than later. You can't imagine how much better it will be once you are gone.

 

[Marguerite]

The ear buds - what I've found works best, perhaps even better than iPod headphones, is the earbud type with the little silicone bubble on them that allows them to really nestle in to the ears effectively. They do allow other sound to intrude, though, unless you put the volume up. But headphones would do the same. The ear buds are much smaller, easier to pack away and shove in a pocket. I got a small flexible cord thingie so I can wind the cable around the thingie and it all tucks away neatly. Just don't leave the jack plugged in to the socket when not in use because stresses will brak the cable at that point. I've found I get longer life spans from these if I unplug when not in use, just leave it attached via the cable tidy's keyring attachment.

Moving stuff out slowly - good idea.

Don't feel you're being judged for not marching out immediately. I've seen too many discussion on this (including on Oprah with women who were in imminent danger of their lives) to not know that a good exit plan is essential. And that is exactly what you're doing.

This bloke sounds like he's into scapegoating. His life isn't perfect so someone must be to blame. You're handy. His son is being taught these habits. neither will change.

WSM, I'll say again - I'm glad you're out and staying out. You were doing what you could in terms of planning your exit. I've not been able to stay as much in touch as I'd like, things have been difficult here for many reasons, some of which I can't talk about here. Almost over now.

Again - keep your head down, work towards your exit, gather copies of vital papers etc and keep them away from the house, then on Exit Day, make sure you're ready and just go. Or stay and throw him out, whichever it is to be. Sounds like the plan, at least for now, is GO.

When it gets bad just keep telling yourself, "Almost there. One more box. One more week," or whatever it is.

Marg