Why?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Aug 20, 2009.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    WHY? This has happened before and I didn't understand it then either. I had to work yesterday, so left difficult child (almost 14) home. husband came home at lunch for over and hour, saw to it that difficult child got in the shower, brushed his teeth etc. (he does NOTHING unless forced).....anyway, this boy pilfers through my dresser drawers. Why? When I ask him he has no answer except the famous "I dunno...". What is he looking for? It's a shame that I'm going to have to buy a key lock doorknob for my bedroom and lock it up when I'm not home. Do the rest of you have to do that?
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like he's either looking for something he thinks you have hidden in there, he's hidden something in there that he thinks you wouldn't find, or- a common one for a few difficult child's- he's in the stage of liking women's underwear- not necessarily to wear, but to look at or touch. My son went thru a stage of that when entering puberty 3 years ago but he got past it. You should be able to figure out if that's what is going on if you keep an eye on things for a while. I wouldn't worry about it too much if that's it, as long as he gets past it after a few months and it doesn't expand to something more serious.
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you have to contend with this. It leaves you feeling violated, doesn't it?

    A lot of parents here have had to go the route of locking their bedrooms. Some even put certain items in the room into additional locked boxes. For a long time I had to keep the scissors, knives, toolbox, everything that was sharp locked up. In my locked bedroom and inside a small locking box.. It drove me crazy. Wiz even tried to hit the locked box wtih rocks to open it. Then "I Dunno" came to visit when I askked him what he would have done with the contests.

    I hope that you can manage to find a bit of privacy and personal space.
     
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wakeup,

    I was thinking the same thing k was thinking, he's looking for something. What? I have no idea.

    I'm not sure I would accept, "I don't know" when my child invades my privacy. I'm new to this "raising a teenage son" thing - my son will be 14 on Sunday - so I'm not sure about it being a normal stage for a son to look and touch his mother's underwear. I would not like to think about my difficult child doing that. It kinda creeps me out.

    Sharon
     
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It creeped me out too when I figured out what he was doing but I guess I don't feel weird about it now because he was just entering puberty, it stopped after he crossed "the big line of manhood" and looking back on it, I don't think he was interested in it because it was mine (his mother's), I think he was interested in it because it was women's underwear in general. But that's with the benefit of hindsight. In some cases, I think a kid's fantasies can get a lot farther out there and they don't stop at a few months of interest in underwear. But, you might be right, LDM, what my son did still might not be normal. I guess that compared to the other stuff he's done, this one doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.
     
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    As a matter of fact, it WAS my underwear drawer. (How'd ya guess?) I can't tell that anything is missing.....but jeeeeeez, ya have to lock up the computers, lock the pantry, protect the dogs,...now lock my ROOM? When does this **** end?
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, this is just a mini of our family. None of my three boys have ever wanted to touch my underwear (my youngest boy will be sixteen on Sunday). However, there have been times when money has gone missing. My husband likes to keep change lying around. Also, my youngest son has a food obsession that we can't figure out--there is so far no found reason why he seems hungry for carbs ALL THE TIME. He will try to look for the treats my hub brings home and hides for himself. When my daughter was on drugs, she definitely looked for $$$.
     
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    We have key locks on our room, computer room and spare bedroom and have reversed the deadbolt on the smoking room. We rarely lock them now but we used to carry the keys everywhere just so we could get to our stuff.

    A regular locking knob won't keep the kid out. Even a key lock only slows them down. A deadbolt is about the only way to go...
     
  9. midwestdad

    midwestdad Lost

    We have locks EVERYWHERE - rooms, closets, pantry, fridge, tools....I lost track of all the places a while back. Unfortunately, it kinda goes with the territory.
     
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We have exterior quality locks on
    *all bedrooms
    *closet in boys room
    *craft room
    *basement

    We have locks on most cabinets in the garage and were searching for a lock for the fridge but they seem to be getting better about that...

    With Kanga gone, we don't have to lock ourselves in rooms and the boys are getting better at understanding and respecting boundaries so we just keep our bedroom locked at all times.

    My dream is to one day live in a home free of locks....
     
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    difficult child (grandson) has "a need" to snoop. He had no particular interest in clothing, he never took money. We never used locks but I was tempted.
    In his case I "think" that he (1) feels the need to know who has what and where so that he doesn't feel left out and (2) feels reassured that he can find anything that he wants with-o searching.

    We attribute the behavior to his Aspergers (feeling left out of the loop due to his unusual social behaviors) and the years with his biomom when the unexpected was the expected. Sad. DDD
     
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yup, key lock on bedroom door here. Well, that was until difficult child kicked it down. I am still trying to get it replaced.
     
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I tried the exterior lock on the door to the "computer room". I came home and found the door off the hinges and the door trim propped up iin the hallway and, you guessed it, difficult child on the computer.
     
  14. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Get this, yall!! LOLOLOLOL....I can hardly write it!! I'm getting locks this weekend at Home Depot, but I still had to work today, SO I put a note on my bedroom door on neon pink, or was it orange, construction paper..It read, "STAY OUT!! I HAVE TRAPS IN THIS ROOM. DO NOT ENTER. I HAVE TRAPS IN THIS ROOM!!!" husband came home at lunch and difficult child told him I had set traps up in the bedroom and he couldn't go in there to get a shirt! LOLOLOLOL (I have ALL of his shirts nicely folded in a dresser drawer or else he would look rumpled ALL the time and I can't stand it!) Isn't that a riot that he thought I REALLY had traps in there????? He's almost fourteen.....ya gotta be kiddin' me.
     
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good idea about the traps!!! I know my difficult child would believe it but he would try to find the traps! We too have locks on our bedroom doors. Mostly we put them on there because of how violent he can be, of course, it would also help with any snooping.
     
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    When difficult child lived at home, we had key locks EVERYWHERE. And for a time, we even had to keep a combination lock on the fridge.

    difficult child would go through my stuff, husband's stuff, Little easy child's stuff...and he would help himself to anything he found appealing. And the things he found appealing were pretty random, with no discernible pattern.

    difficult child's psychiatrist has taught us that asking "Why" is a mug's game. You are not likely to get a reasonable answer out of a difficult child when you ask for an explanation. You'll either get a shaggy dog story, or "I dunno", neither of which is particularly satisfying.

    Rather than asking "why", we just learned to lock up and let natural consequences rule the day. difficult child had his room, pockets and backpack searched daily, his room was stripped bare except for essentials, little treats we would usually get him at the store or whatever were removed, because he was stealing the equivalent from family members and therefore did not merit them, etc.

    difficult child's been out of the house for 2 years now, but we still have the key locks and when he's home for a visit everything goes back on lockdown. difficult child doesn't steal like he used to. Now, I use the lockdown as a failure-free thing for him (why set him up for a fall?), and as a reminder that he still has a way to go in regaining my trust.

    It really is a boundary issue at the root of it.

    Trinity
     
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It could be a need to explore, or it could be the sudden fascination for girly things and textures (curiosity). If it's the curiosity about ladies underwear, keep a close watch on your washing line.

    I would also do your best to find out what it is. If it's an interest in the textures, then buy him some satin boxer shorts. I did this for difficult child 1 (not because he was going through my underwear drawer though). He had commented on the lovely feel of a silk shirt of mine and I had the chance to buy a pair of pure silk boxers for him for $10, so I did. The benefit of his honesty, was getting a more gender-appropriate gratification for his interest.

    Marg
     
  18. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I appreciate all of you for your honesty. As a matter of fact, he was going through my lingerie, and what else, I'm not sure. Whatever the reasons, I will be getting locks this weekend. I can't have him or anyone else pilfering through my things.
     
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