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Will it ever stop?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 615472" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi. I hope you don't take what I will reply as mean or cold. It isn't said to hurt you or anyone, and it is simply how I see the situation.</p><p></p><p>You married a codependent enabler. His is just as sick as his sons, but helping them is his drug. This will NOT change until your husband hits bottom and gets some help. It isn't being 'too nice', it is keeping his children dependent on him and disabling them from being able to be independent and capable of handling their own lives. </p><p></p><p>If you can continue to live this way, go ahead. Accept that this is what the situation will be, and do what you must to find peace with the situation. If you cannot continue to live this way, separate your finances from his, and either leave him or stay but handle your life as separate from him except on things that you choose to do with him.</p><p></p><p>Go to some 12 step meetings. Codependent meetings would be great, but alanon and/or narcanon will be helpful is there are no codep meetings in your area. there are not in mine, but alanon accepts those with other issues. In fact, you do qualify for alanon/narcanon because of your stepkids addictions. These groups will help you learn how to deal with the situation, with your feelings, with your spouse and his kids. Make no mistake, you found this relationship and stayed for 7 years because you are used to codependent behavior on some level. It was in your childhood, your parents' childhood, or somewhere else in your life because you learn this behavior and seek it out in your mate. it is just how codependence and sub abuse works. I know, because been there done that myself.</p><p></p><p>Fixing this starts with getting help for yourself, not for him or for the two of you. You may have to keep calling therapists and leaving messages until one gets back to you. Persistence will be very important to changing this for your life. Most psychologists do not have business degrees and don't always run their practices in businesslike ways. At least that is my experience.</p><p></p><p>I seriously doubt that your husband is going to make substantial changes anytime soon. it may take years or even decades for him to see a reason to change. You have to decide what you can live with and what you cannot. then you have to figure out what and how to make the changes you need. You cannot change your husband or his kids. You cannot make them have purple skin, plaid hair, orange eyes, or not abuse substances. Your husband helps them and enables them because it makes him feel good, it gives him some payoff emotionally. He will have to change this. You can only change you. The changes you make may require you to leave him, or have separate addresses, or have separate finances, or not be together at all. He won't change, but you CAN. You are NOT required to live this way. You need to accept that his kids will not EVER pay him back a single penny, not EVER. That money is gone. You can choose not to spend anymore money on his kids, but don't think of anything that they are given as a loan. it is a gift, period. To stop this you must separate finances and not give any of your money to his children or to him when he has given them so much he cannot meet his obligations. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry I cannot say that you can get him to stop enabling them if you do x, y, z and 1,2, 3. I really wish I could. You simply are not that powerful because NO ONE is that powerful. You can only change you and what you accept and tolerate. 12 step meetings can truly help. They are free, they are in every community, and there are usually several each week if not several each day. When our town had 40,000 people we had 11 alanon meetings each week and at least 8 narcanon meetings a week also. that is just for families of the sub abusers. Addicts had easily double or triple that number of meetings per week. Plus we have NAMI groups for those with mood disorders and their families.</p><p></p><p>So almost every town has quite a few options for meetings, and you can get help there for free. Please don't attend one meeting and decide it isn't for you. You don't have to say a word, not even your name if you don't want to. Go to meetings at different times and locations because every group has a different dynamic and feel, so while one may be an awful fit, another might be just right.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 615472, member: 1233"] Hi. I hope you don't take what I will reply as mean or cold. It isn't said to hurt you or anyone, and it is simply how I see the situation. You married a codependent enabler. His is just as sick as his sons, but helping them is his drug. This will NOT change until your husband hits bottom and gets some help. It isn't being 'too nice', it is keeping his children dependent on him and disabling them from being able to be independent and capable of handling their own lives. If you can continue to live this way, go ahead. Accept that this is what the situation will be, and do what you must to find peace with the situation. If you cannot continue to live this way, separate your finances from his, and either leave him or stay but handle your life as separate from him except on things that you choose to do with him. Go to some 12 step meetings. Codependent meetings would be great, but alanon and/or narcanon will be helpful is there are no codep meetings in your area. there are not in mine, but alanon accepts those with other issues. In fact, you do qualify for alanon/narcanon because of your stepkids addictions. These groups will help you learn how to deal with the situation, with your feelings, with your spouse and his kids. Make no mistake, you found this relationship and stayed for 7 years because you are used to codependent behavior on some level. It was in your childhood, your parents' childhood, or somewhere else in your life because you learn this behavior and seek it out in your mate. it is just how codependence and sub abuse works. I know, because been there done that myself. Fixing this starts with getting help for yourself, not for him or for the two of you. You may have to keep calling therapists and leaving messages until one gets back to you. Persistence will be very important to changing this for your life. Most psychologists do not have business degrees and don't always run their practices in businesslike ways. At least that is my experience. I seriously doubt that your husband is going to make substantial changes anytime soon. it may take years or even decades for him to see a reason to change. You have to decide what you can live with and what you cannot. then you have to figure out what and how to make the changes you need. You cannot change your husband or his kids. You cannot make them have purple skin, plaid hair, orange eyes, or not abuse substances. Your husband helps them and enables them because it makes him feel good, it gives him some payoff emotionally. He will have to change this. You can only change you. The changes you make may require you to leave him, or have separate addresses, or have separate finances, or not be together at all. He won't change, but you CAN. You are NOT required to live this way. You need to accept that his kids will not EVER pay him back a single penny, not EVER. That money is gone. You can choose not to spend anymore money on his kids, but don't think of anything that they are given as a loan. it is a gift, period. To stop this you must separate finances and not give any of your money to his children or to him when he has given them so much he cannot meet his obligations. I am sorry I cannot say that you can get him to stop enabling them if you do x, y, z and 1,2, 3. I really wish I could. You simply are not that powerful because NO ONE is that powerful. You can only change you and what you accept and tolerate. 12 step meetings can truly help. They are free, they are in every community, and there are usually several each week if not several each day. When our town had 40,000 people we had 11 alanon meetings each week and at least 8 narcanon meetings a week also. that is just for families of the sub abusers. Addicts had easily double or triple that number of meetings per week. Plus we have NAMI groups for those with mood disorders and their families. So almost every town has quite a few options for meetings, and you can get help there for free. Please don't attend one meeting and decide it isn't for you. You don't have to say a word, not even your name if you don't want to. Go to meetings at different times and locations because every group has a different dynamic and feel, so while one may be an awful fit, another might be just right. [/QUOTE]
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