wore out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by iluvdoxies, Nov 7, 2014.

  1. iluvdoxies

    iluvdoxies New Member

    Saw this tread while searching how to deal my adult children 18&20. It could be a lot worse, but they won't just grow up and move. They both work full time and do their own laundry, but leave and explore the world safely. Oldest is selfish and odd, 18 yr old got into legal trouble so he cannot join the service. So embarrassing. Everything seems to be a disappointment. Why couldn't they just be ambitious and kind. So wore out and all I do is pray....
     
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Well I am sure that parents even tire of the most perfect kids being at home past 18 years old. 18 years is a looonnngg time, so anything over that , can be tiring.
     
  3. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    Your problem seems to be common these days. This particular generation doesn't seem to be as eager to be out on their own and independent as we were at that age.

    My father had always let us know that any child above legal adult age (over 18) had no legitimate reason to live at home rent free unless they were in school part time. He let all of us four kids know that upfront and said that the parents job was to provide roots and wings, and at 18, we earned our wings.

    Do your adult children contribute financially to the household expenses? I would start there.

    Then a reasonable time frame to either be in school full time or find other housing. A conversation where you tell them that you love them, and because you love them that it is time for you to help them grow up.

    You have paid your dues, my friend, and deserve some space to pursue the next chapter of your own life.
     
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  4. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    For me, I couldn't wait to go AWAY to college. These days grown children are perfectly happy at home with parents giving them a free ride. My difficult child is no exception living with his generous father. I loved my parents but I didn't want to look at them every day any longer, and I'm sure they felt the same about me. I'm like you, why don't they just want to go out on their own?
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are at a cross roads my friend. I totally agree with Hope Floats. Time to start having conversations and letting your adult children know it's time for them to start working on leaving the comfort of the nest. The longer you wait the harder it is. There is nothing wrong with setting time limits. For example, you have 6 months to save enough money for a deposit and first months rent. Keep on them, reminding them, you only have 3 months left, etc... keep it a current and ongoing conversation. Let them know that you have done your job of raising them and now it's time for them to go out and start their own lives. It's ok to tell them that you want to have your house to yourself.
    Good luck!!
     
  6. Aimless

    Aimless New Member

    I don't have any answers for you but feel your struggle! Even the best adult kids wears out their welcome in their parents' home eventually... and eventually has come and gone at my house too! I am counting the minutes til mine finds her wings and flies to a new address. :) Hang in there, sweetie.
     
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Seems like a failure to launch with a side in some bad behavior by one kid. Not joining the service isn't a disappointment anymore. It used to be easy now they are downsizing. A kid that would have gotten in a few years ago is now ineligible. Be glad he has that urge to serve. Find a way for him to do it. There are ways. Maybe not in the military but with another service. The fire department, the police, heck the salvation army whatever gives him a sense of purpose.

    Anyway yes I understand your concerns I have a 19 year old who needs to launch. She has no plan other than to work some. So I certainly hope the best for your kids and mine.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nothing that your son can or can't do should shame you. It's true that they are downsizing the military and maybe he wouldn't have been a good fit anyway. It's not for everyone. My husband served for ten years and you have to basically be ok with some pretty strict rules.

    I find this thread interesting. Although I most certainly did not want my oldest son, who could be violently inclined, or my daughter while she was doing drugs to stay at home after 18 (and they didn't last much longer), I wouldn't have cared if my easy child kids had stayed home forever. They were so fun to have around and so easy to live with. Yet one wanted his own place (he is on the autism spectrum) and the other went to college (not too far, but two hours away). I cried both times when they moved out. Now that my daughter who did drugs is clean and sober for years, if she fell upon hard times I would have no trouble letting her and her baby come home for a while because I know she'd pull her weight and because we get along so well and she is not a problem either.

    In my house, there was no failture to launch. They launched!! They launched before I was secretly ready...lol.I do miss them. We are still in close touch and I see my son all the time. And...hey...I k ind of enjoy my empty nest. A pleasant surprise!!! If I want to walk around the house naked, I can!!!! My husband can too!!!!! Haha. Just saying...

    However, I think that if our adult children are a problem and disrespectful and don't pay rent or help around the house, then, yes, it may be time to launch the rocket...lol. I know that I would not let anyone who made me feel uncomfortable in my home stay in my home.

    I hope you can come to a satisfactory conclusion. You don't have to house them forever. "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly."
     
  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    MWM, you go, girl!
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    WE DO...lol.
     
  11. iluvdoxies

    iluvdoxies New Member

    Thanks for your comments, it helps!! My 20 yrs old says he's moving on Dec 6th, hopefully that goes well, I think he has a self-esteem issue going on, we did go to a family counselor and he said he was fine. Do that's good. I'm being positive, loving but firm and sticking to my guns. My other son has court tomorrow unless the snow storm is really bad, God willing the charges will be dropped and he can reenlist in the marines. Otherwise he can try for a waver. Which is hard to get. He's paying us back for the lawyer 300$ a week so he's been working a lot. Went to church with me too, so that's good. Letting go is hard, especially when the kids are my life. Thinking about getting a dog, to put my focus on, do you think that's a bad idea?
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Um, as a woman who has a shirt that says "Crazy Dog Lady" and who calls her two small dogs her kids, no, I think it's perfectly sane. Of course, you have to consider the source :))

    I think dogs are GREAT therapy and wonderful companions and family members. I think a doxie may work for you ;)

    Once our kids are grown it is hard to make them "our lives" anymore. They go on and form their own lives and I really think it diminishes our own happiness if we don't just let them do it and make a life apart from them. My daughter is home from college this weekend, but I have barely seen her. It's always great to be able to give her a real life hug and to go shopping with her, but it's not like she needs me the way she did and she is eager to be with her friends too. Go out and have fun. Re-acquaint yourself with the things you loved to do before you had kids. Because your kids are all growed up :)

    Good luck to all of you!!!
     
  13. iluvdoxies

    iluvdoxies New Member

    Thanks Midwest mom!
     
  14. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    HA! Exactly what I was going to say. Pups are the BEST. My three would heartily agree.

    Sounds like everything is headed in a positive direction, Dox. Wishing you the best!
     
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