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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 35764" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>What you describe is what we live with, with difficult child 3 and to a certain extent also with easy child 2/difficult child 2. I put it all down to anxiety, with our kids. The anxiety in their cases is connected to their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but boy, is this familiar!</p><p></p><p>Especially the digital camera - it's difficult child 3, all over!</p><p></p><p>The more you push against it, the worse it is. Think of a tug of war - you pull one way, he pulls another. While you're pulling hard each in your own direction, you're going nowhere but getting tired and more frustrated.</p><p></p><p>If you refuse to pull on your end of the rope, he will go his own way but not far. If you go his direction with him, then you are here when he needs you to help him. But he wants to work it out for himself - let him work it out for himself. TELL him if you want to, that you know there is an easy answer and if he wants you to, you will do it for him; but otherwise, leave him to it. Only intervene in a matter of safety - if he's about to smash the camera, for example. And keep yourself calm. The smart-mouthing, the abuse, the whole shebang - it's frustration and anxiety. If you react, you make his frustration and anxiety worse, so if he's already not exerting self-control, do you think he will do better if he's MORE anxious? I doubt it.</p><p></p><p>You can't medicate this problem away. You can try to ease anxiety with calming medication, you can also try to medicate to help them concentrate better and so see the answer more easily, but there's not much more that drugs can do. You need behaviour modification, and he can't do it alone. To modify his behaviour, you need to control his environment better (which means modifying your behaviour, and husband's - a tall order, the more people are involved) and you need to get him equipped with skills that HE can learn to use, to reduce his frustration and anxiety response.</p><p></p><p>This experiment is something he really wants to do - this is only going to make his anxiety worse. He's scared of not doing a perfect job. The slightest thing going wrong is going to set him off, worse than usual.</p><p></p><p>This is not going to get better while you're trying to fix every little thing he says and does wrong. You can't do it (it's exhausting and upsetting); he can't do it ("where do I start?").</p><p></p><p>Help him with his anxiety, first and foremost. Don't punish him for anything even remotely anxiety-related - instead, do your best to help him reduce his anxiety. It's frustrating, but your frustration, bad as it is, doesn't come close to what is triggering him. In his head, it's like living on the slopes of an active, erupting volcano and trying to convince everyone else it's time to leave, when they can't see the lava flow about to engulf them. he is living with this panic - of course he swears and gets abusive. It's not right, but it should be understandable. And if/when you can help him regain self-control, he will agree with you and learn to not speak so rudely. But this needs time, care and probably ongoing professional support. </p><p></p><p>Read "The Explosive Child". It will be a big start, if you can take it on board with him.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 35764, member: 1991"] What you describe is what we live with, with difficult child 3 and to a certain extent also with easy child 2/difficult child 2. I put it all down to anxiety, with our kids. The anxiety in their cases is connected to their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but boy, is this familiar! Especially the digital camera - it's difficult child 3, all over! The more you push against it, the worse it is. Think of a tug of war - you pull one way, he pulls another. While you're pulling hard each in your own direction, you're going nowhere but getting tired and more frustrated. If you refuse to pull on your end of the rope, he will go his own way but not far. If you go his direction with him, then you are here when he needs you to help him. But he wants to work it out for himself - let him work it out for himself. TELL him if you want to, that you know there is an easy answer and if he wants you to, you will do it for him; but otherwise, leave him to it. Only intervene in a matter of safety - if he's about to smash the camera, for example. And keep yourself calm. The smart-mouthing, the abuse, the whole shebang - it's frustration and anxiety. If you react, you make his frustration and anxiety worse, so if he's already not exerting self-control, do you think he will do better if he's MORE anxious? I doubt it. You can't medicate this problem away. You can try to ease anxiety with calming medication, you can also try to medicate to help them concentrate better and so see the answer more easily, but there's not much more that drugs can do. You need behaviour modification, and he can't do it alone. To modify his behaviour, you need to control his environment better (which means modifying your behaviour, and husband's - a tall order, the more people are involved) and you need to get him equipped with skills that HE can learn to use, to reduce his frustration and anxiety response. This experiment is something he really wants to do - this is only going to make his anxiety worse. He's scared of not doing a perfect job. The slightest thing going wrong is going to set him off, worse than usual. This is not going to get better while you're trying to fix every little thing he says and does wrong. You can't do it (it's exhausting and upsetting); he can't do it ("where do I start?"). Help him with his anxiety, first and foremost. Don't punish him for anything even remotely anxiety-related - instead, do your best to help him reduce his anxiety. It's frustrating, but your frustration, bad as it is, doesn't come close to what is triggering him. In his head, it's like living on the slopes of an active, erupting volcano and trying to convince everyone else it's time to leave, when they can't see the lava flow about to engulf them. he is living with this panic - of course he swears and gets abusive. It's not right, but it should be understandable. And if/when you can help him regain self-control, he will agree with you and learn to not speak so rudely. But this needs time, care and probably ongoing professional support. Read "The Explosive Child". It will be a big start, if you can take it on board with him. Marg [/QUOTE]
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