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WOW! A TOTAL Refusal of Boundaries!
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 395287" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>The manipulation, controlling, and rejection of selected grandchildren while fawning on others is very familiar to me. My mother did/was all these things and when we were back in Ontario for two years she escalated to being scary. It was my daughter she fawned over, and she rejected my three boys - wouldn't sit beside them at a movie, wouldn't have her photo taken with them (in a family group) on Mother's Day, etc. She also became deluded that she had parental rights to my daughter. I found that the only solution was to refuse her contact with ANY of the kids as long as she had this attitude (it didn't change in the time before we moved back to PA). She and I basically stopped talking for eight months as well. There was nothing else that got through to her </p><p>that I was serious about refusing to allow her to abuse my kids. </p><p></p><p>Do I understand you correctly when I take it that your mother is setting something up to have your kids over, without you? If so, why would you put them in that situation, especially when she will have gfgbro there? Besides the risk to your kids, it gives her permission (power, really) to split you and your kids up and refuse to acknowledge you as a family. If your kids aren't to be around gfgbro and you know she has gfgbro over when your kids are there, then your kids don't go. </p><p></p><p>I don't know about having the big verbal confrontation. It can be done, but she'll only hear what she wants to hear. It doesn't help to confront someone like this, I don't think. They are fixed in their ideas; they may enjoy the verbal battle and the chance to get in some painful digs at you; and you won't change their minds one bit. You may - maybe - alter their behavior by altering yours. Similar to dealing with juvenile difficult children who are in a toxic mode, rather than endlessly discussing and getting derailed, it's often more productive to say something short, once, along the lines of 'When you do X, that is unacceptable to me. Therefore I will/won't do Y." And stop talking, and do it, and don't be drawn into discussions about it. The point isn't to change her behavior but to make clear what is unacceptable to you. </p><p></p><p>My mother had spent decades exhibiting horrible toxic and abusive behavior to all of us (my sibs and I), and no one thought she could/would change. When we all withdrew at one point, for our own individual reasons, she waited a few years and then changed her behavior. Granted, it was only enough, and for long enough, to be permitted to get closer to us again. As soon as she gets close she gets abusive; that's her pattern. I simply withdraw whenever the abuse starts, let her alone for some months, and at some point let her re-establish a courteously distant level of contact. But I've never asked my kids to subject</p><p>themselves to her since our time in Ontario. </p><p></p><p>For you - I know it's so hard when it's your mother who plays these games with you, but this is what she does. You have to grieve for the loss of the relationship you WANT to have, but accept the reality of what is. It's frustrating; it's painful; it's disappointing. But I've found that, for me, accepting and having whatever limited relationship is possible is better than continuing to hope and try for something that isn't there and will never be.</p><p></p><p>{{{hugs}}}, Susie. I'm sorry.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 395287, member: 2884"] The manipulation, controlling, and rejection of selected grandchildren while fawning on others is very familiar to me. My mother did/was all these things and when we were back in Ontario for two years she escalated to being scary. It was my daughter she fawned over, and she rejected my three boys - wouldn't sit beside them at a movie, wouldn't have her photo taken with them (in a family group) on Mother's Day, etc. She also became deluded that she had parental rights to my daughter. I found that the only solution was to refuse her contact with ANY of the kids as long as she had this attitude (it didn't change in the time before we moved back to PA). She and I basically stopped talking for eight months as well. There was nothing else that got through to her that I was serious about refusing to allow her to abuse my kids. Do I understand you correctly when I take it that your mother is setting something up to have your kids over, without you? If so, why would you put them in that situation, especially when she will have gfgbro there? Besides the risk to your kids, it gives her permission (power, really) to split you and your kids up and refuse to acknowledge you as a family. If your kids aren't to be around gfgbro and you know she has gfgbro over when your kids are there, then your kids don't go. I don't know about having the big verbal confrontation. It can be done, but she'll only hear what she wants to hear. It doesn't help to confront someone like this, I don't think. They are fixed in their ideas; they may enjoy the verbal battle and the chance to get in some painful digs at you; and you won't change their minds one bit. You may - maybe - alter their behavior by altering yours. Similar to dealing with juvenile difficult children who are in a toxic mode, rather than endlessly discussing and getting derailed, it's often more productive to say something short, once, along the lines of 'When you do X, that is unacceptable to me. Therefore I will/won't do Y." And stop talking, and do it, and don't be drawn into discussions about it. The point isn't to change her behavior but to make clear what is unacceptable to you. My mother had spent decades exhibiting horrible toxic and abusive behavior to all of us (my sibs and I), and no one thought she could/would change. When we all withdrew at one point, for our own individual reasons, she waited a few years and then changed her behavior. Granted, it was only enough, and for long enough, to be permitted to get closer to us again. As soon as she gets close she gets abusive; that's her pattern. I simply withdraw whenever the abuse starts, let her alone for some months, and at some point let her re-establish a courteously distant level of contact. But I've never asked my kids to subject themselves to her since our time in Ontario. For you - I know it's so hard when it's your mother who plays these games with you, but this is what she does. You have to grieve for the loss of the relationship you WANT to have, but accept the reality of what is. It's frustrating; it's painful; it's disappointing. But I've found that, for me, accepting and having whatever limited relationship is possible is better than continuing to hope and try for something that isn't there and will never be. {{{hugs}}}, Susie. I'm sorry. [/QUOTE]
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WOW! A TOTAL Refusal of Boundaries!
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