Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Yesterday was my toughest day
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 76675" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Karen, you said, "I always feel responsible for making everyone comfortable in life, while sacrificing myself".</p><p>I think this is what he has trained you to do - or maybe you've always been like this, which is what drew him to you to start with and held you both together for so long, but at your expense. I am glad you see this - it is very hard to change long-term habits, although if/when you succeed it is wonderfully freeing.</p><p></p><p>H feeling sorry for himself and thinking that everyone hates him now - my brother did exactly this when he was making such a mess of his life (your previous thread) and I remember my father saying to him, pretty much what you said to your husband - "yes, you've made a mess, but you can clean it up, nobody hates you. But YOU must be the one to do it."</p><p></p><p>Watch out for that loneliness. It was so bad for my sister that she would have taken the louse back like a shot. Her bitterness and loneliness made other people (including her ex) feel somehow superior, that they had someone and she didn't. And the way she felt her life could only be worth something if she had a husband, even the philandering abusive so-and-so she'd so hastily thrown out (in her eyes) - it was tragic.</p><p>But she grew past this and over this. When his new wife died he went back to my sister and asked her to take him back - luckily by then she had another man - now her second husband.</p><p>You've invested so much of yourself in this man, for so long, that you have buried yourself. So much of you is tied up in him and his happiness - whatever happens, you need to find where YOU are in all of this. And as for mourning the last 27 years - you had a dream of what your life really was, and he has shattered that dream. It is the dream, it is the marriage you thought you had, that you are mourning. The reality is different. It takes time to adapt your dream to the reality you now recognise. This is normal. And don't forget, you also need to grieve for your mother; this has been interrupted - very unhealthy.</p><p></p><p>Alyssa's description of the changes in her life due to cancer - it is a similar process. And she is right, on the other side of this process there is joy and zest for life - you learn to value yourself and not feel guilty for it.</p><p></p><p>Barbara has also given you good advice. You need time. Maybe especially because of your mother, but time will help you put things in perspective. And if he wants to rush things - yet another reason for separate solicitors. It saves you having to explain all the time, why you don't want to burn bridges.</p><p></p><p>Well done for holding yourself together during his visit. I hope he really HAS 'got it' - he does need the help, if he is now prepared to follow through there. Don't get sucked in, though - you now have your own path to follow, while he is following his.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, Tuesday will be here soon. I suggest you talk to the counsellor about your mother's death, also - you have a very big bundle to deal with.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 76675, member: 1991"] Karen, you said, "I always feel responsible for making everyone comfortable in life, while sacrificing myself". I think this is what he has trained you to do - or maybe you've always been like this, which is what drew him to you to start with and held you both together for so long, but at your expense. I am glad you see this - it is very hard to change long-term habits, although if/when you succeed it is wonderfully freeing. H feeling sorry for himself and thinking that everyone hates him now - my brother did exactly this when he was making such a mess of his life (your previous thread) and I remember my father saying to him, pretty much what you said to your husband - "yes, you've made a mess, but you can clean it up, nobody hates you. But YOU must be the one to do it." Watch out for that loneliness. It was so bad for my sister that she would have taken the louse back like a shot. Her bitterness and loneliness made other people (including her ex) feel somehow superior, that they had someone and she didn't. And the way she felt her life could only be worth something if she had a husband, even the philandering abusive so-and-so she'd so hastily thrown out (in her eyes) - it was tragic. But she grew past this and over this. When his new wife died he went back to my sister and asked her to take him back - luckily by then she had another man - now her second husband. You've invested so much of yourself in this man, for so long, that you have buried yourself. So much of you is tied up in him and his happiness - whatever happens, you need to find where YOU are in all of this. And as for mourning the last 27 years - you had a dream of what your life really was, and he has shattered that dream. It is the dream, it is the marriage you thought you had, that you are mourning. The reality is different. It takes time to adapt your dream to the reality you now recognise. This is normal. And don't forget, you also need to grieve for your mother; this has been interrupted - very unhealthy. Alyssa's description of the changes in her life due to cancer - it is a similar process. And she is right, on the other side of this process there is joy and zest for life - you learn to value yourself and not feel guilty for it. Barbara has also given you good advice. You need time. Maybe especially because of your mother, but time will help you put things in perspective. And if he wants to rush things - yet another reason for separate solicitors. It saves you having to explain all the time, why you don't want to burn bridges. Well done for holding yourself together during his visit. I hope he really HAS 'got it' - he does need the help, if he is now prepared to follow through there. Don't get sucked in, though - you now have your own path to follow, while he is following his. Hang in there, Tuesday will be here soon. I suggest you talk to the counsellor about your mother's death, also - you have a very big bundle to deal with. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Yesterday was my toughest day
Top