"You are not my boss and you can't tell me what to do"

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Jan 9, 2015.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    My 17 year old daughter's words to me when I punished her for not going to school. I took away her cell phone and she went on a rampage about how just because I am her mom, it does not give me the right to discipline her or tell her what to do. According to her, if she feels like skipping school, it's her prerogative and she can do what she pleases. If I tell her to pick up after herself or stop using the dreaded F word, I am somehow wrong for telling her how to behave. She's not even 18 yet. If she's already this bad, how much worse can it get? She's turning 18 next year. Ugh!
     
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    My daughter was saying all that and had that attitude at 12 years old. That's all I can say about that.
     
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I am going to throw a big huge party if she ever manages to graduate. I will be so relieved.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    CM, you have options at eighteen.Always remember that you ARE the boss in your own house. Your house/your rules. You don't like these simple rules, then find somewhere else to live. At least...I never cared for feeling like 37 ruled the roost over the rest of us and it came to an end one day...

    You can write out a contract in advance and let her see it:

    "Mom's House Rules If You Live Here After Eighteen"

    1. Chores must be done without complaining. You are not a child and can do them yourself now.
    2. Either college or a full time job required.
    3. If working full time, $200 rent and no allowance anymore as you are an adult. You also pay for your cell phone and any car expenses.

    Blah, blah, blah...use your own standards, your own rules. If you show it to her in advance, let her have a fit. Go in your room and lock the door. Or take a drive. Or ignore her. If she gets violent call the police. These are just suggestions of things you can do if she blows up, knowing it isn't going to be "You're 18 so you can have a ball with no responsibility!" There is no excuse for somebody her age to have a toddler tantrum. And there is no reason on earth for you to let anyone abuse you, including your adult child. That's how 37 got tossed out of the house. I finally had had enough of his horrible words, his lack of listening and respect, and his threats of violence.

    Hugs. You have many options. It is always good to have a plan in advance, before the dreaded event happens. You can always hope it won't. Showing her your expectations in advance may make her think and have a more realistic attitude of what life will be like living in your house as an adult...you never know. It may even make her decide to do something with her life after high school, never a bad thing ;)
     
  5. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I am particularly worried about next year when she will be a senior in high school and turning 18 in December. If she is refusing school now, she will have even more of a reason to refuse it once she hits that magic number. I told difficult child that if she doesn't go to school on a regular basis next year then she can find another place to live. She threatened CPS on me saying if she's still in high school then legally I have to provide for her. Is what she is saying true? I honestly have no idea.
     
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Yes it is, in most states. You have to read your state laws to see if it's true in your state. I am guessing that since your daughter is already aware of this law, it's most likely true in your state. If your child turns 18 while still in high school, you are still legally obligated to house her and take care of her. Trust meeeeeeeeee. I am well versed in these particular laws, more than I ever wanted to be. All she has to do is call the police and tell them you are not allowing her to come into the home and they will make you take her in or else you go to jail.
     
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Call CPS on HER. Ask for yourself. Find out. They've heard it all before (at least, around here they have... )
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Call CPS and ask them.

    If it's true, you just need to provide the bare minimum...a place to sleep and nutritious food. You don't need to pay for a cell phone or car insurance/gas or the internet for her or anything that's just for fun, really. You can do this when they are FOURTEEN and it's ok. Most of us give our kids more because we love them, but it isn't legally required. She can see who the boss really is when she has no cell, internet, new clothes, potato chips, Netflix, allowance or transportation. You are also not required to do her laundry (I would think she already does it herself though), clean her probably messy room, buy her special shampoo for HER type of hair (the $1 VO5 is legal or White Rain), or cook for her. As long as the food is available she can cook it herself. You are not obligated to drive her anywhere either, when she doesn't have wheels. Show her how fun it is to be on your own when you have no high school diploma and don't want a job. You can do THAT ;)
     
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    Last edited: Jan 9, 2015
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    When I went to truancy court, they made me aware of that without me even really having to ask. It was like they took joy of making me feel like there was no escape. Basically telling you you're a bad mom (even at or after 18) if you make them move out while trying to get their education which then you would be charged with education neglect and God knows what else.
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Truancy court isn't the whole picture. Of COURSE they want you to be committed to her education. You need to find out from CPS what the real rules are.
     
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    IC, what do you mean truancy court is not the whole picture? Thanks.
     
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    In my state, it's state law to house your children if they are 18 and still in high school, whether you have ever been truant or not.
     
  13. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I am assuming you are in California , CaliforniaBlone. I looked it up and yes , it is true. However I could just know that because California has the strictest laws in the country regarding these specific types of issues.

    P.S. you could always just call your local police department and ask. They deal with this ALL the time from parents wanting to throw their kids out. Law Enforcement in my town know this like the back of their hand.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Gm, even if you have to house them, read my post. That's all you really have to do other than make sure good is in the house and they have medical care if they get sick. It's not illegal to cut off every toy they have, ban the car, not give an allowance or not drive them anywhere. Nobody has to buy anything like that for any kid, regardless of age.

    Example: Billy is eight years old and very upset because his family is old-fashion and against all electronics. They don't even have a television. So he calls CPS to report them for "abuse." They come out to the house and see that there is food for him, he is clothed (although in thrift shop clothing, that's ok), he has a warm bed, and he has medical coverage. They leave and that's that.

    Some people live like the Amish. It is not against the law. We don't owe our children anything other then the ability to survive. Everything else is because we want to do it, not because we have to do it. Doesn't matter which state you are in. Heck, you could sell your car and hook up a horse and buggy and it could make your teen nuts, but it's not illegal.

    If somebody wants to do it, they can make their grown child who is causing problems a very boring life.
     
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  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ugh! So at 18, parent is still responsible for making sure they get to school? how on earth do they compute that, when by law you can't force a person "of age" to do anything?

    I can see, maybe, if the 18yo is "making reasonable progress and effort" toward graduation. But I know lots of difficult children over the years that would have spun "school" into a 20-year saga just to be able to stay at home and do what they want.

    Is California really that air-headed about laws? (Oh, wait, we're talking about California, right?)
     
  16. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
     
  17. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    See, for many of you who don't know my whole personal story yet and even for the one who do, but have forgotten, truancy made my life hell for a very long time. It gave me a permanent medical condition; high blood pressure. I will never forget that as long as I shall live. I studied my states and all other states as well because they would come up on my searches. I would always remember thinking, at least I don't live in Cali even though my state was a close runner up. That is why truancy in my state lets you know from the door that you can't evict your 18 year old if they are still in high school because they know what the parents are thinking and obviously they discussed it before over a million times in their line of work. They know the parents are looking for an "escape plan" lmao. Education laws are stricter than ever before.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm surprised too. You can drop out at 16. I don't know why they'd care.
     
  19. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    That's all changing....

    In my state, the legal drop out age is now 17. If I am not mistaken, the age is Cali is now 18 (yikes!)

    Pretty soon, the legal age of drop out will be 18 in all states, really soon. It's in the works now. Many states are have already changed it to 18 already. And they are VERY strict MWM. In my day and your day, truancy never was an issue, it was so rare. Education laws were laxed. Not anymore. A parent will go to jail and be fined out the buttocks for the children missing days at school. It's happening to people I know as we speak. I would say in the last 5 years is when it started to get really strict, so that's why you might not be aware.
     
  20. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I had to edit that last comment, please read again.
     
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