You know that little phrase .......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Actions speak louder than words?

    Over the last few weeks ktbug has had sex education in school. husband & I reluctantly & with consultation with therapist, agreed to this. With one caveat - if kt appeared anxious, agitated or outright crazy this was going to end.

    In the last week, 3 days in a row before my sisters came to visit, kt had 3 hour meltdowns each night with either crisis team needing to be called in or PRN medications needed; one night both.

    Thursday I ended up keeping kt home from school due to the triple dose of PRN medications ordered by psychiatrist (he knew there were no beds available & didn't want us to waste time sitting in an ER).

    School, the next day & then yesterday, started the truancy issues again. On top of that, they can hardly believe that kt would have such level of behaviors - they never see it at school!

    AND she was being appropriate in the sex education classes & asking appropriate & well thought out questions. many times have you heard "we don't see it here at school"? Sigh.

    The sex education class ended immediately upon kt's last meltdown. Twenty minutes after things settled (crisis team was still here) kt came & asked about semen, condoms & other such things. Presented as fearful to the crisis team about questions of a sexual nature. That night she needed me to stay in her room for several hours until she fell asleep.

    Again - "we aren't seeing that here at school".

    Doesn't it just want to make you scream????

    kt wasn't in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 10 months last year just for giggles. She has a significant hx of sexual abuse & this class was agreed upon unless/until kt presented either at school or at home, a level of agitation that made things unhealthy or dangerous.

    Hello ..... did no one read this on the permission slip?

    Thanks for letting me vent.....

    by the way, kt doesn't remember these meltdowns.....I let her know about them. I also "am the meanest mom in the world".

    Actions do speak louder than words.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Poor Kt. You made the right decision, in my humble opinion.

    I thought I was the meanest mom in the world. lol.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Poor pumpkin!

    Coming from someone myself, with a hx of sexual abuse, I can so relate. There are certain things that are complete triggers, where I literally start to hyperventilate, and want to scream and run from the room.

    If this happens to me at age 40, with years of therapy, I cannot imagine how kt feels. She had so much happen to her, and she is still so young, and scared. I so feel for her, she must be freaking out! I imagine these classes are triggering flashbacks of both physical and mental proportions.

    It seems that she possibly needs to explore this sort of information with her counselor one on one. Has the counselor ever recommended EMDR? That is supposed to be amazing for PTSD recovery.

    Sending big hugs to you, for going through all of this this week! And to her, for having to live with this daily. I pray things will settle down soon.
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Definately sounds like a trigger for kt.

    Yes, I've heard it over and over. It has to get pretty severe before they snap, e.g., bleeding cuticles, numerous behavior referrals. They don't recognize difficult child's survival skills, the psychosomatic symptoms that increase visits to the nurse's office, the increase in school absences, the general deterioration in behavior, the grades dropping, etc.

    When difficult child is triggered, it takes months for him to recover. I hope kt recovers quickly.
  5. ShakinThingzUp

    ShakinThingzUp New Member

    Sex education and health class (6th grade) were both difficult for my daughter (now 14, sexually abused at 9).

    She did not have rages or meltdowns because we had already come so far in her healing before the classes began. What she did have was a LOT OF DEPRESSION. She was moody, sullen, argumentative (snappy like you get when you have PMS), and just generally sad looking/acting all the time.

    They didn't see much of it at school, because if she could distract herself with friends & socializing, she did!! (thus, grades dropped).

    2-3 weeks after sex ed in 5th grade ended, so did the depression. In 6th grade however, health class was 6 months long... eventually, her teacher DID notice that she was putting her head down during class a lot & did not seem to pay attention. That's because day-after-day-after-day of it she can't push back the feelings... you can only hold it in so long.

    So ------- even if a sexually abused child does not exhibit rages, etc - it still hits them... it does affect them... sometimes its not seen by anyone. They need help through these classes. In my daughters case, she also needs the class (health) because she needs to hear about hygiene, etc.

    God Bless!
  6. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    So sorry kt has to go through this.

  7. April

    April New Member

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wasn't sexually abused as a child, but I was raped when I was 18, and even then, there are triggers. My daughter is only 9, so we aren't exactly looking forward to those a matter of fact we are dreading them with passion.

    On the plus side, you no longer have to wory about the meanest mom in the world thing...that title was just bestowed upon me last night, and then again this morning, and I bet that I will get it again tonight too!!!
  8. Janna

    Janna New Member


    Most of us have heard "well, we haven't seen it.....". I get that now with Dylan. The Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) was "wondering why Dylan was here", because he's "so great".

    Well, I just needed a vacation, is all...

    You made the right choice. Tell kt if she thinks you're the meanest mom in the world she's welcome to visit me for a weekend.
  9. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    you are all wrong i'm the meanest mom in the world just ask my son
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'd remind the school that unless they're professionally educated in the areas of kt's illnesses/issues, they need to butt out on attempting what is too much for her to cope with in this area.

    Honestly, I think kt coped with it rather well if she was able to hold it together until she reached her "safe zone" at home with family.

    But I understand about the whole "we don't see it here" nonsense. I got it with Travis all of the time. I actually did pin down the head of Special Education for our county during an IEP meeting and told her that I doubted the rather large stack of medical reports sitting on the table was there just because the several specialists had nothing better to do with their time. Then I asked to see HER medical degree, and told her I wanted no more opinions on my sons dxes until she had MD tacked on behind her name. lmao

    I'm glad you decided to halt the classes. Obviously it was too much for her. It might be the setting, though (in a class full of kids) more than the topic. If kt could go over the same sort of material and ask questions with someone she trusted the reaction might be alot different. You never know.

  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry this painful for kt. I know it has to be.

    I think she did rather well, considering, to get home before she had a meltdown.

    As far as school, if they noticed they might have to COPE with something instead of making it worse. Or just ignoring it (like a bIG pile of Bull DooDoo in living room!)!

    If I had 1 1/10th of a penny for every time I heard it, then Bill Gates would have to move over.

    As for the meanest mom title, if you get that it CLEARLY means you are doing things RIGHT!!! It is my GOAL to have one child or another tell me that each week!!! This way I know I am working them and disciplining them and teaching them appropriately!!!!!

    hugs, this has to be so hard to go through with her. I do think that one on one is a better forum for her probably. And NOT with mom.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You made the right decision! Poor kt and poor you and husband. What a lot to have to go through. We are just starting to get that they don't see it at school. Before difficult child used to give equal behaviors at home and school!
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Linda, here are some answers to rehearse in response to "We don't see that here at school."

    A: Maybe that's because she doesn't feel safe enough at school to let her true feelings show.

    A: We're dealing with her later in the day, while all the stresses and traumas of the day are being processed before bedtime.

    A: She's not at school her whole existence, home is also a big part of her life. And if it's happening anywhere, it's a signal to stop whatever is triggering it.

    A: Maybe we're more observant at home.

    A: It's good that it's only happening at home. It means she's able to exert some self control for a little while. But for it to be happening anywhere - the triggers must be removed, as I forewarned you in the permission note.

    A: If this were only happening at school you wouldn't be so complacent and you would be angry if I kept saying, "This doesn't happen at home."

    And finally, as you said - "We agreed that with her history, if ANY problems arose that were even possibly connected with the sex ed class, then for kt the sex ed class had to stop. That was our agreement. I've got enough to worry about right now, without you trying to change what was originally laid down in the agreement."

    Interestingly, easy child's sex abuse coincided with a campaign to have some level of sex ed (protective behaviour lessons) for kids in Kindergarten to Grade 2, at her school. And the parent most vocally against his child learning how to say no - the bloke whose son molested my daughter, in a way which told us he was probably molesting his son.

    Linda, you know kt best. Don't let them browbeat you. And I think we can stop competing as to who is the worst mother - it's ALL of us!

  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    My biggest fear is that kt is already in with a group of children who are "sophisticated", for lack of a better word, in the ways of the world.

    Being in a day treatment setting is indeed a blessing for kt; it's unfortunately a hindrance. She's not able to meet or make friends with children with more normalcy in their lives. The children in this setting have all been through some type of trauma or have emotional/mental/behaviorial issues of one type or another. That doesn't give kt a great deal of healthy "friend material" - do you understand what I'm saying?

    I'd like kt to experience & see if she can maintain with children/friends who have somewhat normal existences, somewhat normal lives.

    And I'm not pushing that's just something that is on my mind. Especially as we will be traveling for T'giving weekend to see my dad, my family. kt is always "compared" to her cousin who is 9 months older & "perfect" in every way. kt ends up left out so much - her cousin A is so mature - so tall. Always patting kt on the head & treating her like a baby.

    I digress...sorry. Another prednisone moment :hypnosis: (don't know what I'll blame it on when I stop this stuff :rofl: ).

    Thank you all - I know this was the right decision. I know teachers struggle with this concept of not seeing it at school - must be something at home. :hammer:

    by the way, Marg, I'm keeping a copy of your answers for when I can't think off the top of my head. Thanks