11 yr old girl and her curiousity

[Marguerite]

No intent to blame, I assure you. And educating your kids is no proof of their safety. All I said was, it seems to be the best you can do. Sadly, it is not enough.

Even keeping the kids closely supervised is not enough - easy child was well supervised, but the teachers were focussing their attention out, not in. Why would they expect a child rapist to also be a child? I could not blame the school staff. Perpetrators are generally very determined and will not only use every possible opportunity, but will manufacture those opportunities, often going to great lengths. These are not crimes of happenstance or coincidence - these are predators. My old friend's experience with her second husband is a case in point - he wanted access to children so he deliberately sought a single mother. That she was also a teacher was a bonus. He encouraged her to tutor students at home and to do further study. While he was married to her, he was getting free access to every child who entered that house, at the same time staying below the radar because he seemed 'safe' until it was far too late. When my friend's daughter began to refuse to have sex with her stepfather, he then lost all pretence and interest in sex with his wife (the girl's mother). The entire ten year marriage had been fraudulent, but it was only obvious with clear hindsight. And she is a very intelligent woman. She had been totally fooled, and by an expert.

Marg

 

[DDD]

If you do opt to make an appointment. with a child sexual abuse psychologist I think you can pretty easily avoid the problems that you had with your Mom sending you to therapy. How? By being honest about why you have made the appointment.
Tell her that you know being a kid is complicated. Tell her that being a Mom is also complicated. Sometimes people, no matter how old they are, worry that they are not doing the very best job possible. When that happen the best thing to do is make sure that a helper is available. Lately you want to make sure you are being the best Mom possible and have found a "lady" or "man" who can be a helper. Then tell her you have made one appointment with someone who is qualified to make sure everything is ok. Tell her, if she begins to resist, that you really appreciate her cooperation because you need to feel at peace with your parenting because you love her so much. Since she is not a defiant child...I'm betting she'll see "okay we can go together for one meeting".

I'm betting she will willingly go (perhaps add in a perk like "we'll have lunch together" or some other fun thing as a package deal. The psychologists office is not going to have a sign that says "sexual abuse specialist" or anything identifying. Chances are the doctor will talk to you a few minutes and then meet with her. IF your daughter feels negatively after the meeting, once again all you have to do is tell the truth. He/She has an excellent reputation and I hoped we would both feel better after the visit. Sorry 'bout that...but "we" tried...now, where shall we go eat lunch.

Most of parenting, I believe, is gut based. on the other hand alot of parenting is role playing. You anticipate what the objections or reactions might be and are prepared with how you will react. It may go great and totally ease your mind. Maybe it won't be so great. Oh, well, that's part of life. Since there is no book published (lol, I don't think so anyway) on how to be the perfect parenting under all circumstances, you just have to trust that decisions based on love are alot better than ignoring concerns. No matter what your choice all the CD family is in your corner and ready to offer as much support as possible. Hugs. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Actually, going to a therapist in 2011 is different than when we were young. So man kids go. The stigma is not really there anymore, not to the extent it used to be. I don't believe your daughter will think you believe she is crazy, especially if you have a talk with her, like DDD suggested. Therapy is a very integral part of our difficult child's treatment. medications alone are not enough. Ignoring things is pointless too.

Hugs!!!

Marg (to you especially) I know you didn't mean anything by your comments. Trust me, I know how kind you are

 

[Marguerite]

That's cool, MWM. I just felt I needed to clarify what I said, when I read over it, it seemed a bit ambiguous.

I like the idea of throwing in a special treat as part of the incentive package. Having lunch together is good. A budget option we do sometimes, is buy ingredients for an impromptu picnic. We shop together for bread rolls, then buy some sliced meat and cheese, maybe a bag of salad greens, then go sit somewhere pleasant and make our own salad rolls. Beautifully fresh! I used to do this with my mother - she raised us with the urban myth that fresh bread is indigestible, it needs to be at least a day old before you eat it. I LOVE fresh bread, and it was all you could buy on our impromptu picnics, so we had to "put up with it". I especially remember that wonderful bread - especially with sesame seeds or poppy seeds. It was the only time I ever ate it in my childhood.

It is a great way to share a little time but without having to pay expensive restaurant prices.

Marg

 

[trying_to_understand]

Thank you everyone for your help!! After much thought, I have decided not to seek medical advice right now for my daughter. After actually getting her entire side for the story, it was nothing like her father made it out to be. We got all of our information from another 8 year old and that wasn't the best idea. I will continue to keep a watchful eye on her. And I'm sure most of you think I'm crazy. But I really feel like this is the best decision right now. Who is to say what will happen down the road?

 

[DDD]

You are the Captain of the ship! Nobody is going to criticize a well thought out decision. Absolutely, not me. If you are comfortable that you have all the information you need and she has peace of mind, that's the final decision. I'm thrilled that you have absorbed the various pieces of advice (sometimes it is hard for someone fairly new to the family).
Hugs and the best of good luck. Your duaghter sounds like a lovely girl and your bond surely sounds strong. DDD