19 year old

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SAM1228, Apr 3, 2012.

  1. SAM1228

    SAM1228 New Member

    Hi I am brand new to this board. I have a 19 year old son that has worked during the summer since he was 16. He went from work to football to baseball for 2 years. He graduated not top of his class but graduated and walked. I pushed for him to attend a county college in September. He did and claims he was passing all of his classes. In October he came to me and said I can't do it mom. I need to work I want to learn a trade. He has never been a school kid so i thought long and hard and decided that as long as he was learing something it was ok becuase college isn't for everyone. I explained to him that he was putting his "big boy" pants on and he would have to work every day etc. We managed to get him a job in the HVAC field with someone willing to teach him. He traveled 45 minutes each way for the job and liked it for the first 3 months. Yesterday he told me he wanted to talk to me and said he thinks he made a mistake and wants to go back to school. He has been smoking weed everyday for the past 4 months i think. I have told him it's not acceptable to do in my home so he has decided it is ok to do in the shed becuase it won't smell up the house! What the hell do these kids think. He has given his 2 weeks notice for the HHVAC job and no has no job. He will sleep all day and party all night if i let him. He is respectful in the fact that if i say be home by a certain time he is. He does work hard when he works his supervisors all love him. Is this just a phase with the pot? Does it end or is he chaniging him? I have never smoked so I have no idea. He was a athlete at one time but had a knee injury last year and it seems everything has changed since then. Any suggestions or guidance would be very much appreciated
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Sam. I understand how you are concerned over this. Most of us here are dealing with children who have drug addictions that has caused serious problems in their lives so our responses may sound harsh. I hope you understand and take it in the supportive way we mean.

    I don't know if his pot use will escalate and turn into something more serious or not but the fact is he is 19 and he just quit his job and he expects you to pay for him to go school while he smokes pot and parties. NOT! Has he saved any money from his job? If he had then he should pay his own tuition for a community college semester and see if he is serious about this. If he doesn't have any money saved then he can apply for financial name under his name. But absolutely no pot smoking anywhere on your property and if he is not getting C or above in his classes he needs to get a job and find a place to live.

    Just my .02.

  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Don't let him.
    Maybe, maybe not.
    Either or. But if you sit by and do nothing, allowing this behavior, then it can most certainly end up a life changing event for him.

    What's he thinking right now? He stops working and "goes to school" to free up more time for pot smoking? I'm assuming you are paying for college? Make it perfectly clear that the only way you will pay for it and continue to pay for it if if he is drug free. You can buy home tests at the drug stores these days.

    I do find it odd that he thinks it's an either/or type of thing. Most ppl I know all worked while in college.

  4. SAM1228

    SAM1228 New Member

    Thank you no worries on harsh replies.. I have told him I will not pay for college unless he proves this is what he wants. I am not throwing money out the window for him. He said he will get loans then. I had a brother that died of a overdose that started out as pot smoking. I am so afraid it will get out of hand. I have put the hammer down on him that he will not be out all night and he has to get a job. I am not paying for anything for him. I did in fact tell him if I decide to help him with school i would be drug testing him monthly becuase i am not wasting my money. He has complained the has ADD...he has never been diagnostied with it... another excuse probbably. .. told him quit smoking pot and his brian will have time to learn and he will be able to concentrate. He did say he knew has to cut down and will not be doing it when it has school stuff to do. I have fought so many times with this it is so hard to battle sometimes, but i will not lose another family meber to this ****. I have told him that also... It helps to hear I am doing some of the right things.. sometimes it feels hopeless...
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I think you answered your own question.

    by the way, welcome to our little corner of the CD community. We can all sadly relate to your problem. I have a 26-year-old daughter who is a substance abuser. Nothing we have done has helped. She has started and stopped college many times. The last time she took out loans of over $15,000 and just lived on the money for a year. She didn't finish a single class.

    At least they were her loans and they are her problem. You could offer what a friend of mine did with his kids. He made them take out loans and then if they successfully completed the courses he paid off the loan for that semester. They did that for each semester of school.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He may be doing more than pot, especially if he sleeps all day.

    Most kids will cop to pot, but we only know part of the story.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing the right thing. It's important to draw the line in the sand with what you will and will not accept and then follow through on that.

    We had to kick our then 19 year old daughter out of the house because of pot smoking and drinking. She ended up in rehab and sober houses and is still drinking/using. Her pot smoking has led to many other more destructive things.

  8. SAM1228

    SAM1228 New Member

    The new thought with these kids is everyone is doing it! I have put up with him smoking in the house for a little while in fear of him getting caught by the police and then having a record. I told him last night it ends today.. no more smoking in the house or he will find another place to live. Told him he will pay for any consequences of his stupid mistakes with this ****... not me.. I am so torn if the tough line is going to push him the opposite why to prove he is a adult. He has told me my super ego and always having to win won't let myself listen to him without screaming. So frustrating as you all know to know if you are doing the right things... somebody should have warned us how hard parenting is!
    Thanks guys any other advice or comments are welcome! Good luck to you all
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Don't let him make you feel guilty for taking action and setting boundaries by telling you it's your "superego" and you always have to win. Don't let him convince you that "everybody is doing it" either...these are just manipulation tactics to get you off message and off balance. You may want to consider getting a full spectrum drug test, sold at most pharmacies, to get an idea of what he is actually using, and what the levels are. The best time to test is first thing in the morning, and don't tell him when you're going to do it. If he outright refuses or gives you a hard time, you can be pretty sure he's either smoking a whole lot, or doing other stuff, too.
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I know too many families that the adult kids have quit their jobs to go back to school, moved back home (or never left) and expect the parents to support them and pay their tuition! My daughter lived at home but she did work a part time job.

    I worked and went to college as a single parent, so did most of my friends that I know. My generation did not have things handed to them and we did not expect things to be handed to us.

    I think we have made it far to easy for our adult children to have an easy life. They simply do not want to grow up and accept respopnsibility!!
  11. SAM1228

    SAM1228 New Member

    Yesterday i went home for lunch he was still in bed at 12:30... i went immediately to his room told him to get his ass out of bed... He did but as I was leaving to go back to work a couple of his friends arrived. I called him from the road and told him this is not a party while he is not working everyone had to leave the house and he could not have friends or anyone over until he finds a job. We fought for a while and bottom line the kids left the house (i had my daughter confirm they were gone). 10 minutes after our phone call he called me back and said he got a offer to start work on Monday and he doesn't know why I always have to flip out! Told him I will not allow him to follow a path of self destruction in my house. If he doesnt like it he can move out. I hope it's a start. I know there will be many more battles. I am just hoping i have the strength to stay on him and he realizes eventually that this is about him growing up and being a man! Thanks to all
  12. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Hi SAM1228,
    Welcome to the board, I am glad you found it. I'm sure you will find the support and understanding you are looking for.
    Just curious, was your son prescribed RX pain medications when he injured his knee?

  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's good that you laid down the rules. Hopefully this job will become a reality and he will be able to find his own place to live.

  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Be sure he really has a job. Seems convenient that he suddenly had a job when you were threatening to toss him out. Hate to be cynical, but I lived with a drug abuser.

    There is no way my daughter was going to be allowed to smoke pot in our house; not in this lifetime or on this planet. in my opinion that is enabling. Again, you don't know that pot is all he is using. If he is sleeping all the time, I am guessing he is using more than pot. My daughter would be up all night, sleep all day until we had to ask her to leave. I believe that if there are drugs in your house (say, a noisy party prompts a call to the cops by a neighbor) you are also liable for having those illicit drugs in your home. You don't deserve that. You deserve a peaceful, quiet life. Your son is making his own problems and needs to grow up.

    Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is make them leave. If they stay at home and do nothing, but have good food and a warm bed, what is the motivation for changing? JMO. ((((Hugs)))). I know how hard it is.
  15. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Yes there will be many more battles. There are so many lost difficult child's that hang out from house to house. They get run off from one and they move to another. I would wake up with a stranger on my couch. He even tried to move a girl (someone elses girl friend) in the house without my permission. I called the mother and said you come pick her up or I'll call the police. His friend drove her to the mothers. But that was not the last one he tried to move in.

    I did not allow my difficult child's friends to come over when I was not at home, of course they still did! I got tired of buying soft drinks, snacks, and groceries that disappeared in one day. So I stopped buying them, I bought peanut butter, jelly, and bread. No soft drinks or even bottled water.

    My phone bill came in and I had a lot of long distance calls that I did not make, he denied they were his. So I cancelled my carrier and they could only make local calls.

    Same with the cable. At about 19 I was tired of everything along with his and his friends stealing so I told him he had to go. My difficult child always worked, but he spent it as fast as he earned it.

    Until age 21 it seems they can go either way, many of his friends became responsible young adults. Mine fought it tooth and nail! I think the idea of being responsible for himself scares him.

    Stay strong! Prayers for the best!
  16. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Welcome 1228,
    I too have a pot smoker. She is 17 and started around age 14 maybe 13. Though many think it is harmless, and I do have to say she is her nicest after smoking, I think it is a tough drug. Some kids end up going on to harder drugs. So far we haven't, but she get lazy and eats until she is stuffed after use. She has never used daily because of money I think???

    We have multiple other issues including mental health issues so our situation isnt the same however, I think that his disappointment over the injury must be huge. When kids play sports there is a great feeling of belonging, accomplishing and a kind of natural "high". He no longer has that. Some kids just seem to be able to handle disappointments and stresses, others lack coping skills or resielience to deal with a big loss like your son's. I would not take this loss lightly. He may be really stuck in his head and not know which way to turn. And by the way, depression often leads kids to MJ and also causes attention issues. His changing tracks for his future and use tells me he may have some of that going on.

    There are MJ anon. programs around as well. I have to tell you, that there is such an arogance about the use of this drug. Many don't see it as that bad. I think it is-it is illegal and mind altering. Anyone I know who is a long term user, is an underachiever. With you family history, I think I would get him into some kind of substance abuse program as well as counseling to talk about the sports injury and his future track. I do like the idea of the loans that he could have paid back by you if he passes his classes. I think that is great. Good luck and keep us posted.
  17. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    May I also suggest you get your house alarmed, if you've not already done so. You and your daughter could have the code, but I wouldn't give it to difficult child. He needs to be out of the house while you're at work, so you could set the alarm. Get the 1st floor windows alarmed as well. It's an expense, I know, but well worth it for your peace of mind. Even when you go to bed at night, you have no idea if he's going to show up with some friends while you're sleeping. You have no idea who he's really hanging around with, and next time, he'll be more clever and wait till you're totally out of the house and on the road before he lets his friends come over. Lock up any valuables, and if you have liquor in the house, remove that, too. Once you get the alarm, you can set it while you're gone, but you won't be able to do that if he's home sleeping when you leave for work, so you'd have to make a rule that he's out of the house by the time you leave, or by the time your daughter leaves. Many alarm companies also offer security camera applications where you can view what's going on in your house from either your phone or your computer. He's not shown himself to be trustworthy so far, so why keep giving him your trust?
  18. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    When I signed up for motherhood, I never thought I'd come to the point where I had to sign up to be a cop, too. Just not what I imagined, but I sure learned the hard way.
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello and welcome. You have gotten some good advice and I really have nothing to add right now except maybe the possibility of family counseling? Pot lead to many other things for my difficult child#2. Nothing we could do to stop him but he has a host of other MH issues. I am hoping that your son wises up and finds a good direction to go in. -RM
  20. SAM1228

    SAM1228 New Member

    Well he has been working for over a week. Gets up early and is at work by 730 each morning. I am sure his pot smoking will continue I struggle when when/how do i draw the line in the sand and make rules for him. He is overall a good kid comes home when it is told to obeys curfews etc, never disrespect me by doing something i tell him not do to witht he exception of this pot thing. I don't want to push too hard for fear that he will rebel and do it for spite but I don't want to underact either. It is a fine line we have to draw. I almost rationalize that he is a good kid and if he wasn't working and doing the things i aksed then I should really put the hammer down. Have any of you had similar thoughts that have backfired? I honestly think in my heart this is just a phase with him and will pass as he matures... but i would be interested to know the reality of these thoughts