24yr old daughter on hospice homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sam ilpa, Oct 17, 2016 at 3:11 AM.

  1. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    Homeless off and on over the past 2 years after leaving college for medical reasons, we and others take her in/back in due to her poor mental and physical health (bipolar, many physical conditions including kidney disease and neurological inflammation conditions). She became ill last week , enrolled into hospice and we let her back into home to receive services. We surrounded her with love and care for 2 days, she began healing mentally (stopped hallucinating and being paranoid) and physically (pain level under control) and once she was barely well enough to function independently, she left w a handful of Zanex. After being out of the house for 12 hours, she's now wants to return to our home. The 48hrs in our home exhausted and impacted all hh members including a 9 and 5 yr old. We decided to not allow her to return home for the sake of the minor children's wellbeing. I feel it's just a matter of days before her life becomes worse. She's been assaulted , found unconscious multiple times before while being homeless but I feel something worse is to come for her this time around as she's never been this mentally and physically "Sick" . I've made myself numb to get through this as I have minor kids to care for but feel as if I'm about to collapse w grief. I found this site by googling parent of homeless kid and found threads I've read so far very helpful. If only I could absorb all the knowledge before her next phone call. I've participated in the NAMI family to family 12 week class which was very helpful but feel I have no tools for this current situation.my heart wants her home w me. My mind doesn't agree.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is she terminally ill?
  3. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    Yes, just given the prognosis last week w this last bout of illness and she states she No longer wants to seek curative care. She took me off of her dnr and living will documents last year and replaced me w a "party friend "
  4. tandemdame

    tandemdame Member

    Sam, how very sad for you and your family. You have taken her in and tried to help her, which was a good thing to do. You mentioned hospice was involved. Are they willing to continue care? With other children involved, I can't see letting her back in your house. What a tough situation, my heart goes out to you.
  5. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    Yes, Hospice said they would follow her to provide services. We/she informed hospice that she homeless and they said they would just need to know where to go to provide her with care. Thank you for your words tandemdame
  6. tandemdame

    tandemdame Member

    You've done what you can, looking forward, the best thing to do is to be with her while she is being cared for in hospice. I hope they are able to contact her and persuade her to accept their help.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. So sad. No words.
  8. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    That is one "positive" statement/ commitment that I can tell her - that I want to be with her when she receives care. I want her to be able to say that her mom will try her best to come be w me, sit with- me if possible so she knows she doesn't have to be alone. Thanks "tandemdame
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Sam, I'm just chiming in to say how incredibly sorry I am. You have to do what's right for your younger children; they are dependent on you. But my heart breaks at the thought. I don't see any good way to handle this other than what you are doing.
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Sam, I am so sorry for your pain. Please continue to share with us as you go through whatever is next and we will walk with you. Warm hugs for you.
  11. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    Thankful for this community. So very grateful for being able to share. Those close to me aren't able to be supportive with- feedback for one reason or another I understand they may be grieving too or have no words. I don't see hospice as an "end of road" as some patients do come "off" hospice. And there are some who remain on services for multiple yearS and I know I have to think of various timelines. At this time I'm just trying to get through this day. Again, very grateful for this community.
  12. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Sam. What an absolutely heartbreaking situation. I am just so sorry for your pain and can only say it certainly puts things in perspective.

    It is good that hospice will go to her, and treat her and the situation surrounding her, just as she is. This is what they do, and they do it very well.

    I am glad to read that you will be with her, Sam. I too think that in an absolutely hellish situation, you are handling it in the best way possible.
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  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Sam.

    Your situation is heartbreaking.

    Hospice was great for my grandmother, who used their services for more than a year. It is such a blessing to have these services available.

    We are thinking of you and yours.

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  14. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    thank you Lil. I am open to hear advice and to hear I guess for lack of a better word "reassurance " that I'm making the best decision possible. It was difficult to explain to close family that I am not able to meet my goals of keeping my 4 children safe under my roof w the decision needed to be made. Some feel I'm giving up on her and so now they are thinking of physically leaving their spouse so they can get an apartment to house themselves and my daughter. So yes I feel horrible about that but know that's not my fight. Yes, I've enabled my daughter and know that may have made things worse for her. I began seeing her as a young adult making poor choices more so than a sick child. One of her pediatric doctors told me that if I wanted to give her the best shot at having the best quality of life as an adult that I should not make decisions based on her illness. At that time we applied that to the college decision making process as she was accepted to a Maine school (we are in Austin, Tx) . She graduated top 10% of her hs class and so I was targeting local universities. But now I am trying to apply that advice to whether or not to allow her in our home.
  15. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    Hi, Sam. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I agree with the others that you need to have the priority of your young children at home (and yourselves) first. It is good to hear that hospice will continue to stay involved if your daughter wants their assistance. You have done all that you can do.

    Offering prayers and hugs to you.
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  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Sorry to hear of your situation. Praying to a higher power that he will give you the strength you need to get through this.
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  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Sam, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. You have done what you can to help her but as you know, she has to want to help herself.
    It was a very loving thing you did by allowing her to stay in your home while she was under hospice care. I'm sorry she chose to leave. I think you made the right choice by not allowing her to come back. It's so hard when our difficult adult kids think that our homes have a revolving door. They do not understand the negative impact they have on us or other family members.
    I know your heart breaks for your daughter but you and your family need to continue living your lives.
    Sending hugs and prayers to you.
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  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sam, I am so very sorry for your heartache.
    You have done so much for your daughter, surely, there is much much more to your story than what you have posted.
    I too have family members who are shocked that I would "allow" my adult daughter to be homeless. Honestly, there are times I wonder myself......... start to second guess......then memories come flooding back......to the many times we tried to "help" to no avail, no change in lifestyle for our daughter, chaos within our home.
    At times,
    I vacillate on an emotional seesaw, my Rain is in rough shape right now, hobbling on a badly swollen, infected ankle. She has refused to get medical help. I can only encourage her to look after her health, but, I can't force an adult to do anything she doesn't want to do. She has been in degraded situations, abusive boyfriends......beaten.......
    That's the hardest part isn't it? Our love for them, the choices they make, the consequences they suffer, in turn we suffer, vs, our best hopes and dreams for them.
    Having my daughter at home just did not press a magic button to make any of that happen. Because it was not what she wanted. She wanted to "party".
    I don't know if well meaning, shocked relatives understand the hell all of this is..... having them out there with their "party friends", having them home living as they choose.
    Goodness Sam.....ill enough for hospice care? I can't imagine the grief you are going through and the God awful conundrum of this decision you must make to keep your home peaceable, to protect yourself and your younger children.
    You brought your daughter back into your home and tried to help her. She decided to leave.
    Our homes are not pit stops with revolving doors.
    As I write this, I am remembering the feeling that an emotional tornado ripped through my household, physically, mentally and spiritually, each time my two came and went. I am thinking of the many times I have been tempted to open my door again, only to be jolted back to reality by the imagery of my then 14 year old boy curled up on my bed crying over the last craziness......then I finally realized he had been enduring this...this....... stuff.......his entire life and it wasn't fair to him at all. Throughout those times in our home, his sisters did not try to help themselves, or live a lifestyle that respected the rest of the households right to peace and comfort in our home.
    Turn our backs on our children?
    No, no, no we did not Sam, do such a thing. Somehow, our adult children turned their backs on the way we raised them, on the lives we lived. They chose party friends and living a wild, lawless, unruly life. They chose homelessness and drug use. When the going gets tough, we suddenly become their go to, at a very heavy, unacceptable price to us and our homes. There is no respect, contribution or even gratitude for the help, just this continued feeling of entitlement, no matter what they do. I don't know if my two have even given a thought to what we have endured all of these years?
    Dear sweet warrior mom and sister, mental illness, lack of clarity due to substance abuse, even terminal illness does not give a person the right to treat their loved ones as rugs to be tread upon.
    You have made a very difficult decision, but I believe the right one for you and your young children. There is help out there for your daughter. And my two.
    My heart goes out to you and yours.
    Keep posting, it really helps.
    Please let us know how you are doing.
    Many warm hugs to you.
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  19. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    McDonna Tanya and New Leaf, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Thank you for reminding me of my 2 younger children who do not have a voice in this. New Leaf, I believe your heart has ached like mine to think of the horrific degrading experiences that have happened to our daughters involving men. That on its own has just about killed my spirit. Thanks for sharing with me everyone, I no longer feel as alone as I did at 3am this morning. Sending you all positive energy and prayer. Y'all have been a blessing to me.
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  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sam, I'm so very sorry for your struggles with your daughter. It's a heartbreaking story. Like the others, I think you made the correct choice, difficult as it is. Just wanted you to know I'm reading along and sending prayers for your family......hang in there......
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