3 stores, 2 was he&* and Im just going in circles!!!(Bigger clothes why??)Broken door...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, May 4, 2014.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Ok, I didnt want to go to the store with my son because I knew what would happen. All three stores my daughter was perfect, my son at the shoe store DEMANDED a size 6 boot when he is only a size 4 1/2 .. ( well boots can go to 5) and when the sales lady said " these boots are almost as big as you with a smile and you will fall out of them" He said" I DONT CARE with a sarcastic smile and she kept trying to tell him the 5 was big and he said" I will grow into them with that sarcastic smile" Then my daughter got bracelets so he tried to get some and I mentioned they were for girls he yelled" duh man bracelets shut up idiot" :( Well he got his boots and picked an umbrella. Went to the next stop and he was fine. So we made our last stop at the pet store at he got his attitude back when I didnt let him throw everything in the cart. We left, came home he was ok. Went to care for my grandfather and he gave the kids /us money to get us all dinner well.. was that ever a fight because they didnt want to eat what was suggested.. and yet they couldn't agree on it!

    So, I see nothing wrong with getting a t-shirt a size bigger but shoes, pants, shorts, dress shirts, underclothes seems to be even bigger? Whats is the fascination with bigger clothes? He wants to play on a water slide but he has to help pick up the yard and he refuses so I refused to do it all! ( His mess and dogs mess) So he further broke his door by repeatedly banging a small metal chair against it.

    Im trying to get his Vyvanse and Clonidine in him.. bribery... games different foods etc. Its a wrestling match!!! Wish me luck!!!!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused...probably nothing will change until your lifestyle does. And at one point in time, you will break down at this rate and have no choice.

    Doing the same thing over and over again that did not and does not and will not work is going to doom the entire family to failure. Has he yet seen a neuropsychologist? It's getting late. He is getting older. You need to make time to push the issue with his primary doctor and not allow him to make excuses. You need to get him interventions. You need to take him for therapy and go with and listen to the therapist. You need a therapist for yourself NOW, not later or YOU will be paranlyzed with fear at t he thought of changing anything. You need therapy NOW. You need to find a sitter and not take him to the store with you (I never took my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son shopping with me). You need to learn a different way to set boundaries on EVERYONE in your life. Or nothing will change. Nothing.

    Somebody once said that the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and then expect change.

    Life isn't like that. You have a lot on your plate, a lot to think about, and can make changes to better the life of your family, but only YOU can do it. We can listen with sympathy, but you have to be the one who does the hard work it takes, like we all have. Not easy. Doesn't please the world. But necessary. Good luck getting the right mindset to make some major changes....finally.

    I am praying for you and yours.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2014
  3. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I agree but not one Dr is giving me any more referrals. They say just keep taking the adhd and clonidine and take away electronics etc for punishment he will be fine. I am pressing believe me. Usually I try not to take him when I go to the store but times like today, yikes. I know bad idea. My dad gave in to the kids because they had a fit about not going and I told him how it would be, he has now agreed unless my son is on his medications and has been proving calm, no more. So, for the summer, Im playing with the idea of day care for him, I need a job anyways and praying my job is days, it could work. Im sorry I keep going on about stuff here, Im just venting and wondering about the clothes. I know, I got a lot on my plate, and my dads heart is worse, so he's got Congestive Heart Failure added on. I been figuring out home care ( company mainly) for my grandfather since he wants to stay in his home. Most want $15-$20hr!!! Thats insane! It will be close to the amount of the NH. Well, his choice because I am preparing now to look for a job, getting references and such together!!! Thanks for praying for us.

    I just dont get why the obsession with bigger clothes? Does he really feel he needs that size ?

    I know you all have been here for me..for my kids.. I feel so bad to keep going over the same issues just another day thing. I just dont have anywhere else tot urn but here. For now. I know I have to make a change and your right its hard! I am scared of failure, or more failing, scared of how my decisions will effect everyone esp my grandfather, so yes, I really have a lot to think about.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, one way would be to stop taking as much care of your older relatives than your kids. If you don't change that, your kids are going to suffer big time. And if your pediatrician won't give you a referral, which is very unusual, then I'd go elsewhere even without a referral. Pay out of pocket. You said grandfather helps you...tell him you need money to help your son. Nothing is more important than he is. He is NOT getting treatment!!! HE NEEDS IT!

    None of us know what to tell you to do, I assume. Seriously, you can not take care of a difficult grandfather (you post more about his issues than their issues), a sick father, and your kids. You don't have the time to focus on the little ones who are just starting out in life and either will make it or not depending upon their care. Don't try to guess your son yourself. Take him for serious help and make your main focus on HIM. HE is the child. The others lived their lives already and are what they are...and they are not in my opinion good examples for your son. Nor is the way you put yourself last and let others walk all over you. Your son is not learning that you can say "no" and could use that in your future years with him.

    Insanity: Continuing to care for abusive grandfather who takes up half your time, your ill father, plus your children and make no time for yourself...see that none of them are doing well yet keep on doing it over and over again because you feel guilty. You need a therapist yourself to help you figure it out. Because the insanity of it is...no matter what you are doing, it isn't working for anyone yet you keep doing it. Nobody is thriving, especially not you or your son. But you keep thinking you have to keep it up. Seriously, if t hings don't change for your lifestyle, nothing will change. Period.

    I think you are very kind, but this is not how you, your grandfather, your father and your children should live. If you keep living this way, they will keep living this way too and your son will not get the help he needs and you will be a mess. I so hope the day comes when you tell us that you have taken that first step, and gone for therapy. If you have no time for YOU, how can you be good for anyone else????

    You are the main caregiver. YOU should be the one in charge and do what you feel is best, not what THEY want you to do. They don't even know what is best for them, just what they want. You can not keep going on this way and STAY healthy enough to be anyone's caregiver and you must live as long as you can for your babies. Not to mention, we all love you too (yes, that's selfish).

    Hugs!!!!
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2014
  5. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well, it sure is easier to see all the answers from the outside of a situation than it is from the inside, Confused :) You've got a lot on your plate and not a lot of support and I am sure you are managing the best you can. A word from my experience, advice that I follow when I'm keen on not suffering more than I have to: pick your battles. Let him have his too-big clothes and shoes (big socks?) if he wants. The other things were more worth drawing lines over. Tomorrow is another day!!
     
  6. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    I've followed your story for a while now, and I agree with MWM on a lot of things.

    one issue we typically don't agree on is the usefulness of labels, but in this case, whatever is happening is so dramatically impacting your son and your family you need an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan with a useful label to get much needed services--for ALL of you.

    frankly, there is not an ADHD thing about what you post (obviously, things get lost in translation and we aren't there)...and in many cases, stims can exacerbate things. really, just the unusual way your son verbalizes and obsesses, I think you need to look deeper into his issues.

    find a new doctor, like yesterday. don't say you cant--I don't care what kind of insurance you have, what kind of transportation there is or whatever--if the pediatrician is continuing to try to manage issues that are out of his scope, you need to move on.

    there is always a university, a hospital based clinic. a public mental health department. a new doctor. i would seriously consider exploring autism resources in your area--particularly if there is a local support group (parents always know the best doctors, best services, etc)

    I feel terrible for you, but really, you need to do something different if you want change.
     
  7. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I am trying on my side to change things and Im sorry to have been here talking about my kids/family issues and not making any sense to you all. I have appts lined up, then when they find out I have no referral they say no. Also, in a few posts I thought read here the child was labeled one thing then as they got older the diagnose was changed. I came here for advice on my son, then my daughter then, I saw watercooler and thought we can talk about other family issues as well. I am just letting you know my whole family situation so I can get advice until I can get further actual medical help. You know how things tie into one another? I am just trying to learn how to handle multiple family and tasks as I never had to before.. many of you work, have family, friends, more than two kids and some are grandparents! So I was just looking for life experience and Ideas, support meanwhile. Im so sorry to have wasted your time. I greatly appreciate all the help you have given me because of that I have made the progress with going to the neurologist, and still aiming for higher evaluations. I keep saying I can change everything overnight but its always easier said than done in my case. Im far from perfect but I love my kiddos and family and will continue to improve everything. Im proud that I have actually came as far as I did, which I have a long way to go. Im also proud that my kids have improved in a couple areas as well, but also have a long ways to go. Im trying to decide if I let my daughter chose her own high school or not.. so again, I will figure it out without asking what you all would do, its a crazy tough thing.. high school is a big impact on kids!

    Im not great at explaining things your all right, but I tell the truth word for word how it happened and thats what counts.
    Well, Im not going to type the list out of ADHD symptoms of my son again but I do understand things can mimic that problem and I have asked the doctors if that was the case. They said no, I plan on new doctors for new tests, I never gave up on that. I am learning to pick my battles.. ok trying to learn...I was just wondering why he does that, if any of your kids or even you as children did that, I should of been more clear, it aggravates my dad and grandfather but worries me and was just strange to do it all the time. :/

    Well, anywho, thank you all again because over the years you all have been my rock and I just wanted to say thank u. Hugss all :)
     
  8. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    ((Hugs)) to you! Life can be so hard.

    by the way, I do NOT take my difficult child to the store with me whatsoever. It is not worth it one bit. As for the bigger clothes/shoes - I'm with Malika - not worth the battle. I haven't experienced that with bigger clothes, but my easy child likes clothes that are too small. Sensory maybe?

    I don't know your situation but if I had to care for my grandfather and father in addition to my difficult child son and difficult child husband, I would not make it. As it is, I want to run away. Lol. Hang in there.
     
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Did anyone say this, sorry didn't read replies. Walk the heck out of any store he has a meltdown in . Warn him prior to going in and really leave.Sometimes you may be leaving a whole cart full of items . Do not permit that behavior. He will learn the hard way, you'll see and you will learn too
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Confused, you most certainly can post anything you want here. That is what this site is for. We are a soft place to land so you can vent, ask for info, do whatever you need to do.

    I did have to take care of my elderly mother while my boys were still in their teens. She had alzheimer's and it was one of the most difficult times in my life. There is nothing harder than being a part of the sandwich generation. I understand how it is almost impossible to get help with caring for your relative because they simply dont qualify. Heck, now my kids are the sandwich generation and try to help take care of me because I have a hard time taking care of myself and I cant get any help! Its crazy.

    I dont have a clue about how to get doctor's to do anything they dont want to do. I have always been forced to just jump through whatever hoops they decide to place in my way. Arguing with them didnt do me any good.

    The only thing I can think of that may help would be to contact a rather large church in your area and see if their ladies auxiliary would be willing to help provide meals for your grandfather...or even your father. Or maybe Meals on Wheels if you have it in your area. We dont have that here. One other place you could check is your local Council on Aging. It may be called something different where you are but it should be close. If you cant find that call social services Adult Protective Services and ask them what that agency is called.

    Good luck.
     
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