Hi everyone! I have been searching the internet in hopes of finding some advice on how to best deal with our 4 year old. She is the sweetest, kindest most lovable little girl in the world and yet lately, my husband and I don't necessarily know if what we are doing is working for her and her latest outbursts. I feel like we are dealing with a teenager.... except she's four! :S
I'm not sure exactly what sets her off. It could be something that my husband or I have said no to, it could be me not hearing what she said the first time, so she answers with crazy amounts of attitude... it could be that one of us doesn't do exactly what she wanted us to do when she's explaining a game that she has made up. So very trivial things (though I'm sure they're not trivial to her).
My husband and I always try to react in a consistent manner and we try to support one another and be a united front. We try and model the behavior we want her to display. For example, we don't yell and scream at each other or anyone else... which is why I wonder where she even gets this. We try and teach her respect, honesty and that she will get a lot farther with us when she is nice/sweet then when she yells and screams. We make sure that she really doesn't gain anything from yelling and screaming. We make it a point to explain things to her and try and get her to understand the why's and use moments as teaching moments rather than just punish. We have tried comforting her when she acts this way, we have tried validating her feelings, we have tried giving her quiet time until she is calm enough to talk to us. The only real thing that seems to work in the moment is giving her quiet time in her room until she calms down and then talking to her. What worries me though is that lately, these outbursts have gotten worse, not better. It went from happening once in a while to happening a few times per day.
So now, we have started taking things away when she acts this way or not giving her attention. For example, the last time she yelled at me, I told her that she hurt my feelings by yelling at me and that I don't want to play with her any more (I try to simplify my language and speak in a way that she may understand). She said, well I said I'm sorry. I explained to her that I really appreciated that she said sorry, but my feelings were still hurt. Then I tried by explaining to her, imagine that I broke your favorite toy, said sorry, then went and broke another one, said sorry, then another, said sorry etc. Would you believe me that I was sorry? She shook her head no and seemed to understand what I was trying to explain. So I told her that's how we felt when she yells at us, says sorry and yells at us again. It seemed like this got through to her, but the next day, she was at it again.
Does anyone have any suggestions for us? What we are doing... are we missing something? Is there another approach that has worked for someone else? I understand that kids go through developmental phases and I'm ok with that. I just worry about her developing this into a habit and therefore believing it is ok to speak to people in this way. She is a very strong willed child and I don't want to inhibit that, but at the same time, I don't want her to get away with that either. What do we do?! =)
I'm not sure exactly what sets her off. It could be something that my husband or I have said no to, it could be me not hearing what she said the first time, so she answers with crazy amounts of attitude... it could be that one of us doesn't do exactly what she wanted us to do when she's explaining a game that she has made up. So very trivial things (though I'm sure they're not trivial to her).
My husband and I always try to react in a consistent manner and we try to support one another and be a united front. We try and model the behavior we want her to display. For example, we don't yell and scream at each other or anyone else... which is why I wonder where she even gets this. We try and teach her respect, honesty and that she will get a lot farther with us when she is nice/sweet then when she yells and screams. We make sure that she really doesn't gain anything from yelling and screaming. We make it a point to explain things to her and try and get her to understand the why's and use moments as teaching moments rather than just punish. We have tried comforting her when she acts this way, we have tried validating her feelings, we have tried giving her quiet time until she is calm enough to talk to us. The only real thing that seems to work in the moment is giving her quiet time in her room until she calms down and then talking to her. What worries me though is that lately, these outbursts have gotten worse, not better. It went from happening once in a while to happening a few times per day.
So now, we have started taking things away when she acts this way or not giving her attention. For example, the last time she yelled at me, I told her that she hurt my feelings by yelling at me and that I don't want to play with her any more (I try to simplify my language and speak in a way that she may understand). She said, well I said I'm sorry. I explained to her that I really appreciated that she said sorry, but my feelings were still hurt. Then I tried by explaining to her, imagine that I broke your favorite toy, said sorry, then went and broke another one, said sorry, then another, said sorry etc. Would you believe me that I was sorry? She shook her head no and seemed to understand what I was trying to explain. So I told her that's how we felt when she yells at us, says sorry and yells at us again. It seemed like this got through to her, but the next day, she was at it again.
Does anyone have any suggestions for us? What we are doing... are we missing something? Is there another approach that has worked for someone else? I understand that kids go through developmental phases and I'm ok with that. I just worry about her developing this into a habit and therefore believing it is ok to speak to people in this way. She is a very strong willed child and I don't want to inhibit that, but at the same time, I don't want her to get away with that either. What do we do?! =)