7 years bad luck? Who gives a...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ShakespeareMamaX, Nov 12, 2007.

  1. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    "12 November 2007 - Had a conversation with [difficult child] about tomorrow (13 Nov 2007). Asked him what he's going to do. He said "be good". I asked for specifics. He stuck with "just behaving". I brought up the issue with the urine on the floor. I told him this wasn't a talk to get angry with him or for him to get in trouble. I just wanted the truth. He told me he had urinated on the floor out of anger. I told him it's OK to be angry, but he needed to handle it better; he needs to figure out new coping skills. We got into talking about why he acts the way he does when he's at school that differs so much from home. He said he feels "nervous". He compared it to how I feel when I go to the mall (VERY anxious, scared, angry, etc...). We, again, talked about coping skills and how I had tried many things (and am still trying) to deal with my anxiety and he should try, also, without going down the medication route ("that's the LAST thing you always want to do...there's no need for unnecessary chemicals in your body if you can handle your feelings in a way without them"). I will be discussing this with Dr. [Psychologist] tomorrow, at 1:45, for my appointment. I will also be escorting [difficult child] to school tomorrow morning to "ready" him for the transition back to school."

    This is my entry for today to add to the file of my difficult child's behavior.

    As I wrote it, something screamed at me.


    The nightmares, the fears, the hoarding, the anxiety, the energy, the anger, the depression, the crying, the imagination, the wandering, the mirror perfect image of MYSELF (give or take a couple inches in height).

    Just when I thought... "I'm raising this kid right. No abuse, no drugs or alcohol, I'm involved in his school, nice house, neighborhood, blah blah blah..."



    Geez...just when ya started agreeing with everyone that maybe "it's not your fault". Pshhhh....I bet. So who to point the finger at? God? My parents? The water?

    Who cares?

    The fact is...I'm still screwed up. Like my son said...I can't go into the mall without horrible fits of rage and needs to rip my skin off and choke people with it. Nobody can look at me or talk to me or - God forbid- touch me. I hate everyone around me and the cursed people who built the kind of building that would house so many people at once...at the same time!

    I tell him...fix yourself. Learn coping skills. Try to focus. Twiddle your thumbs. Meditation. Exercise. Diet. Get a stupid journal. Draw! Sing! Screeeeaaaam!

    Just don't take medications.

    Ha! Has anyone checked Mommy's medicine cabinet, lately? Cos it's chock full!

    What an example, huh?

    Heh... Hey...at least "I'm raising this kid right. No abuse, <s>no drugs</s> or alcohol, I'm involved in his school, nice house, neighborhood, blah blah blah..."

    Who says mirrors shouldn't be "broken"?
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Apparently ours is a magnifying mirror. My mom always says that Wynter is Heather times 10. :faint:

    You know...having kids is really a cr@p shoot no matter what you're starting from. You get what you get and go from there. That's all we can do.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you have so much anxiety over malls, and other public places. I don't have this anxiety, but can be easily overwhelmed by sensory stuff in malls. I know it is only a fraction of what you feel. ((((HUG)))

    I once was a 19yo who was told she could not have children. Not should, just could. (HA! Never tell a short woman she CAN'T! - I have 3!) I was talking with my mom, saying at least I could be glad I wasn't passing the illnesses I had on.

    She asked if I thought SHE should not have had ME or my bro. I thought about it. I realized then that NONE of us have any control over what we pass on, and to whom. We can only do the best we can with the tools we have.

    And blame is a really dumb game to play. Takes too much time and energy. And our kids need all we can spare!!!

    What I am saying is that while he may be an image of you, this is not a bad thing. You are a wonderful and loving mom. So he has these problems you have. You have many years of experience on how to handle them and STILL have a life.

    Imagine what you could do if someone had been able to guide you through these issues from an early age?

    In my case, my mom got sick the same time I did. She didn't know she had health problems. I did know, but God decided that birth control was a joke and blessed me with 3 kids.

    I know we ALL go round and round with blame at different times.

    But we need to be kind to ourselves, and if we have similar problems as our kids, maybe this is a way we can help them.

    More (((((HUGS)))))

  4. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I don't like crowds, they make me irritable but not really anxious. It must be horrible to deal with.

    Honestly some people can't cope without medications. It sounds to me like maybe you guys should trial an anxiety medication for your difficult child.


  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sorry, I think your son has a wonderful advantage -- he has YOU for a mother. You know what the anxiety feels like. You know how to help him cope. Most of us are blind to this, we have to guess. It is hard when you can't even come close to their feelings. For example, I'm fearless sometimes to the point of being reckless. My daughter is very, very cautious. It takes a long time for her to get the courage to do something and then it usually comes from a no-choice situation. It is hard for me to be patient and wait for her to muster her courage to try doing something and has caused more than one meltdown because I just didn't understand.

    Okay, your medicine cabinet is a small drug store. Something tells me it is because you've tried everything else to cope. I do understand your reluctance to medicate him but it may be that if you can get his anxiety under control now, he won't need as much medication when he's older. Sometimes medications can help you get something under control and show you that it is something you can deal with. I do agree that medication should be a last resort but if you know that medications are the only thing that will work, then it may be time to consider different medications.

    Definitely time for a new evaluation!
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I swear it's genetic. My biological son is just like me--his phobias are even EXACTLY like mine were before I found appropriate medications. He has panic attacks, like me, and social phobia. And he's THIRTY years old, married and expecting a baby!!! I hope my poor future granddaughter doesn't inherit whatever it is in our genepool! Mood disorders, neurological problems, and panic OH MY! On top of that, I've adopted four kids with NONE of the issues I struggle with. It's nature over nurture.
  7. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I think it is genetic and some people do have chemical imbalances that need to be corrected by medications. in my humble opinion, it is a little unfair to expect someone, especially a child, to overcome these problems by self discipline alone.

    I see in your profile that you have an intolerance to wheat. This might be another thing that your difficult child inherited from you and it could be affecting his behaviour. If you haven't already done this, you should really look into gluten intolerance and its effect on mood. A good place to start is at http://www.glutenfreeforum.com. You can search on behaviour, mood, anxiety, etc.

    I went until I was 41 eating wheat thinking I was fine but I was starting to think I had ADD, and I was anxious, irritable, and always tired. I discovered I was gluten intolerant and gave it up and all of those things went away. My only symptoms are mood/neurological things. They do come back with only a tiny trace of wheat or gluten. At that website I gave you, there are many people whose mood symptoms clear up completely by going gluten free. There are others whose symptoms improve but still need other medications.

    I am one of the few (maybe the only one) here who believes I have found the "silver bullet". My former difficult child is also gluten and casein intolerant and she is cured as long as she stays away from them. She isn't always as strict with her diet as she needs to be so we do still see some of the old difficult child sometimes. But we know what the answer is and it goes away when she gets back on the plan. She isn't on any medications now.

    As unbelievable as it sounds, this could be part of the answer for both you and your son.
  8. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    I did try, shortly, to have my difficult child gluten-free. The only problem is, his biodad :grrr: doesn't accomodate these needs. He's lazy and when I tried to send my difficult child to his house with special food, he had issues giving him something different than everybody else. Aside from this, will the schools cooperate? I mean...would I be responsible for packing lunch, everyday? That would be alright...inconvenient...but you gotta do what you gotta do. heh...

    I just updated some more odd behavior my son is expelling. It's in my "he peed on the floor" post.

    I've very worried...but I do feel better with all of your encouraging words.

    I can't wait for this storm to pass, I'm tellin' ya.

    Thank you all. I'll keep the updates coming. :geek:
  9. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    P.S. Crowds are the devil.
  10. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    P.S. Crowds are the devil.
  11. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    My husband didn't want to do the diet at first, either. Since I am still married to him, I had a lot more influence than you will over an ex, obviously. We still had many heated disagreements over the whole thing. Now, he is a believer and is even mostly gluten free himself. I'm not sure even I would have seen a positive result if he had given them gluten every week.

    There are restaurants that do gluten free meals. Outback, PF Chang's are two. It's not as safe as making it yourself but it would be better than eating regular spaghetti or a sandwich. If your ex eats out a lot, he might be able to accommodate the diet without feeding your son totally differently.

    Have you ever had your son tested for celiac disease? If he tested positive, your ex would have more reason to do the diet and could possibly even be ordered by the court do do it. Even then, it is hard for others to accept that it needs to be done.

    With a celiac disease diagnosis, I believe the public schools have to provide a suitable lunch if you make them. I'm not sure if this comes under a 504 plan or how exactly it is done, but I have read that it can be. I would not trust the school to do it right though so it would be better to send his lunch every day. It is inconvenient but is actually less inconvenient for me to cook every single meal and pack a lunch every single day than dealing with all of the behaviour problems that came along with the wheat.

    Does your son have any stomach problems? If not, it might be tough to get him tested for celiac disease. Maybe your history of wheat intolerance would be enough but doctors are pretty resistant to the whole idea. One of my daughters had stomach problems and was tested but was negative. My other daughter and I were never tested by the regular doctors but in all of us, our response to the diet has shown us that it is the right thing to do.

    I could see improvement in my daughter the first few days we tried the diet with her. To really see the whole effect, it is important to get rid of all traces of gluten. With an uncooperative ex, it will be difficult. So sorry.