So, after violating her probation, she is being kept in the county jail until the next court date on Monday. Her car was impounded. My SO and I talked extensively about what to do. It's new for me to have someone who knows the whole story and has lived some of it with me, to talk to about what to do. It was invaluable to get his thoughts and opinions especially since he is not entrenched in a codependent experience with my difficult child, he is neutral. I have made all the decisions alone for my difficult child's entire life so that part was really good. We found out that once a car is impounded, aside from the daily charges, a lien is placed on the vehicle and after 40 days and thousands of dollars the car is auctioned off. At that point, if the vehicle does not bring in enough money to pay for the impound charges, a lien is placed on the owners license and until that charge is paid, the owner cannot renew the license. In addition, the police left difficult child's purse, phone, some jewelry, her wallet and all her personal belongings in the car. I talked to my granddaughter about it and asked what she thought I should do. She thought about it and said, "I usually tell you to let Mom alone and don't help her, but this time I think you should help her." I talked to my difficult child and we said we didn't know if we were going to help or not, we were thinking it through. She was hysterical and trying to come up with how she could pay for some of it. The first day we drove all over the county trying to get the proper paperwork which was made monstrously difficult because I am not the owner of the car, and all of the officials who could have helped us, would only give us one small piece of the puzzle and at the next stop we would be met with, "oh no, you didn't do this, and you need that, so you have to go back to _______" Over and over again. One part of the justice system does not connect with any other part and the people you deal with treat you the same exact way the inmates are treated. It was horrible and monumentally frustrating. It could all have been easy, but because no one would help us or give us the information we needed, it was very, very difficult. When we left the impound lot for the second time being told we had the wrong paperwork I just broke down crying and couldn't stop. The stress, frustration level, worry, anger, disgust at the way we were being treated, got to me and I just couldn't take one more moment of it. We then drove an hour to find out that now we had the right paperwork but my difficult child''s registration had expired and she had not renewed it so we couldn't get it out. One of many examples of my difficult child's inability to take care of her responsibilities. The third day we went to the DMV, paid for the registration, went to the jail, got the paperwork, went to the Sheriff's office, paid for the release, went to the impound lot and paid for the car. $913 including the portion I paid towards her rent so she wouldn't be evicted. Through all of this difficult child did not know what was happening, she could only call once per day and I wasn't always available to talk.She was sitting in jail not knowing if we had gotten the car or not. When we did finally connect, I told her I would help her under one condition that she had to agree with. And that is, from this point on, I would not respond to ANY drama, crisis, problems or anything other then 3 things, 1. to let me know she had a job, 2. to let me know she was in therapy and 3. if she was calling to take me out to lunch (a nod to just having a normal connection) I told her she had to recognize that had I not stepped in , she would get out of jail with the clothes on her back, no home, no car, no purse, no phone, nothing. And, from now on I will not be drawn into her drama and her life lived from crisis to crisis. I said unless she is getting in touch with me for those 3 things, I will hang up the phone and not be part of the newest drama, no matter what it is. I said, "if you are in jail, if you are on the street, if you are homeless living under a bridge, I will not respond to you. If you want help, get a job, get into therapy and then I will show up, in the absence of that, do not involve me in your life." I had therapy on Thursday evening. It was helpful to talk about it and get positive feedback which felt supportive and acknowledging given the difficult situation. My difficult child is mentally ill which is what has kept me always trying to ride that line between enabling and helping. She just doesn't have the capabilities to make healthy life choices which keep her safe. I have stepped in a number of times in the last 6 months ever since she became homeless, which has been a scary place for me. But, I am finished stepping in now, mental illness or not. In therapy I learned that since I've been taking care of mentally ill people all my life (parents, sister, brother, daughter) it is simply something I just do. But now the impact on my life is so grand that I have to stop to save myself, my SO and my granddaughter from the relentless insanity. I did not cause this, I cannot fix this, I am powerless. I told my SO that it's like my daughter is in a boat which has lots of holes in it and she is drowning. I am busy trying to fill up all the holes to keep her from drowning. Then he said, "yeah, and she is busy making new holes." Wow. That image really got to me because that is exactly what is happening. There is no end to it. There are always new holes. I am exhausted from all of this. I am depleted and don't have any energy left. In addition, my granddaughter had her 4 wisdom teeth extracted on Tuesday, right in the middle of my difficult child's drama, and she has been in considerable discomfort and is very unhappy right now. So I am worried about her too. It's just taken me out. Thanks for listening. Any words of wisdom? I'm all ears. I think my ears are all that's left working.