It is so sad when you hear these stories. For some people, if they can't get to the root cause of their addiction, it makes it so much harder to stay sober.
I remember a darling man I knew, he was a teacher at easy child's school who was talented, dedicated and had the potential to bring about some wonderful, positive changes. He achieved a great deal in his short time there and antagonised the reactionary dinosaurs that I'd like to see retire.
But he couldn't cope with success. It as as if he was waiting for someone to come along and take it all away, to tell him he didn't deserve it, that he was a fraud. He would sabotage himself just as he was achieving so much. His biggest failing was to get involved with the (usually married) mothers of his students. He would be in love (so would they be) until it got to a certain point of commitment and then he would run away from it all.
I got involved a bit more than usual because I supported him when his ex-girlfriend, who had left her husband for him, became furious with being jilted and had him charged with assault because he had smacked her son.
Back in those days, it was still legal for kids to get the cane. The teacher was at the time living with the boy (his student) and the mother - very inappropriate. And this boy was a serious difficult child, the mother had said to the teacher, "I want you to treat him as a father would. Don't wait until we get home to deal with any bad behaviour; deal with it on the spot at school."
The mother only brought charges, when the relationship broke up.
Yes, it got thrown out. There had been witnesses to her request to spank her son if he misbehaved.
But I do wonder if the current rules against laying a finger on any student may have at least partly come about because of this case...
The principal had given crucial evidence in support of the teacher. The teacher was vindicated. He was offered his job back at the same school. His cheer squad (me and a lot of other parents) wanted him back. We all celebrated at his house on Friday evening.
Monday morning - he was elsewhere. I rang the dept of ed to complain the injustice, only to discover the teacher himself had requested a transfer. I was gutted - I had counted on this bloke continuing his work and bringing about more wonderful change. Instead, the complacency flowed back in and everything returned to the unpleasant state of affairs that difficult child 3 had to endure.
I stayed in touch. So did others. He was happy at the new school, they loved him (of course). Then I heard rumours that he had got involved with the mother of one of his students and broken up her marriage. Her we go again, I thought. Then I heard he had left. Again. Only this time the trail went cold.
About three years later, a friend who was also a teacher with similar interests to this man received a letter from him. He was in rehab and part of his therapy was to make contact with good friends from the past and let them know where was was now and what he was doing. He had hit rock-bottom, was out of work and had been living on the streets. But he was finally getting his life back in order, he said.
Then the trail went cold again.
A few more years - an obituary in the teachers union journal. Very little information. I spoke to the friend who had received the "blast from the past" letter, she said it had been an overdose.
So tragic. Such a waste.
But from what I knew of him - until he could finally face his own fears and the causes of his self-doubt, he was going to continue to make the same mistakes, over and over. And each time he repeated, the track got more deeply ingrained.
BBK, you describe yourself as "recovering". That means you've already faced at least some aspects of yourself and made some decisions.
My friend was never able to do that. He might make promises and resolutions but when it all came down to it, I think for him it was all just too difficult. I don't think he was weak - just not strong enough. He was strong enough to do a lot of amazing things, but sometimes it's just not enough. It can be even more difficult when there are multiple addictions to contend with.
Hang in there. You are doing great. I'm sorry to hear about this man. I hope your friend is OK and it's not upsetting her or you too much.
Marg
