Am I missing something here?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Jan 16, 2015.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    OK so here's the story. I have a tenth grade student who I'll refer to as K. Since the school year has started K has been bullied and tormented relentlessly by two senior boys. K is too afraid to go to school so his mom has been keeping him home. Now K is withdrawing from our school because he is afraid to come back. Administration is sending him to difficult child's school, which is an alternantive school meant for kids with really horrible attendance, drug problems, problems with the law, and teenage pregnancy. OK so am I wrong for thinking the bullies should be the ones to be sent to the alternative school? Why have poor K rearrange his whole life just and attend a completely different school because he is afraid for his safety. Am I missing something?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You may not know the whole story. Obviously, I think there should be Bully University for bullies of all ages to get educated in. I loathe bullies.

    But in this case it could be that the parent asked for it or the child has a disability and will do better in an alternative school.

    A lot of kids of all shapes and sizes and brands go to our altnerative school. It isn't just for difficult children. It is also for those who do better getting more attention, as in severe learning disabilities, kids close to dropping out, almost anything.

    Personally, I wish the schools WOULD deal with the bullies in spite of this child going to another school, but as long as my kids have been at school I have never yet see a bully be taken to task. If the victim gets angry for the first time after putting up with bullying, and he hits the bully, hey, one of the kids who this happened to got suspended. Not the bully. The victim. Because he hit the bully. Until then nobody paid attention to the poor kid at all.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what the parent says about bullying. Nor the student who is bullied. The first, because parents don't count for anything in the school system, and the second because the school system is set up to support those who are "strong". So, if you are being bullied, you are weak = you need to wake up/grow up/assert yourself/whatever you have to do, so you aren't bullied.

    "not my problem" attitude, in may cases. Anti-bullying legislation makes it worse, not better - no school wants to admit there is a bullying problem in their school, or they are on the mat.

    When I was a kid, most bullying took place in the school yard. Teachers didn't intervene... but all the parents knew each other and parents would take it up with other parents... usually a bully has more than one target, and the parent community was fairly effective at controlling the worst of it. Today? no "parent community" to fill the gap.
  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    That would be due to the fact that bullying is non-violent. Society MUST punish acts of violence.

    Just in case it doesn't translate...sarcasm.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The sarcasm would be accurate except... it's amazing how many people in the education system think this way.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    And also, Jabber, that's not true. In the case of this kid, he was shoved around, hit, had his stuff taken away from him, etc. It mostly happened on the playground or in the bathroom and the kids who saw didn't want to get involved so nobody told, least of all the victim. There is a price to pay if you tattle.

    When he was suspended for hitting the bullies, his parents came to school with him, furious, and tried to explain everything, but they were told, "Well, he should have told us. He didn't. We do know about this incident so he is suspended."
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I know MWM, the whole statement was sarcasm. The act of bullying, whether physical or mental, is an act of violence. And I'm well aware of the price you pay for tattling. Fortunately, I had understanding parents and siblings who would help when they could.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jabber, oh, YES! You sound like you had the BEST parents. My parents ridiculed me when I was teased and made me attend affairs that I didn't want to go to because of the teasing. My mother would say, "I'm SICK of your staying home like a baby! YOU WILL GO!" (into the lion's den). I stopped telling them. Eventually, in high school, I developed a big, foul mouth with my best friend and it worked and I ended up cutting school and barely graduating.

    Nobody should not feel safe at school.
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  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    You are not wrong CB I think the bullies should be the ones having to make the changes. However like someone else said there may have been other factors you dont know about.
  10. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    aaI was bullied tremendously in elementary school so I just feel especially bad for this kid. I never had the guts to stand up to my bullies. I was way too shy and quiet. I would go home and cry. I never told my parents because I knew my dad would consider me weak, and my mom might do something horrific like go down to the school and confront everybody and probably make the bullying worse. I stayed quiet and put up with it for years. My school life was miserable. I hate hearing stories of others having gone through the same thing. Thankfully neither one of my kids have had issues in this area.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Awwwwwwwwww, CB. I was bullied terribly too. It's really traumatic to have had that happen. I was terrified of school. The only thing that saved me was a new girl came to my school when I was in 8th grade and s he hated the "snooty" kids at our school and she had the mouth of a truck driver and was so beautiful that nobody dared tease her...she became my best friend. I learned to talk back to the bullies just like she did and to embarass them. By then I hated school so much, the teasing plus th e learning disabilities, that I just went to socialize with the few friends I had and to flirt with the boys (I got very pretty in high school and THAT helped too...what a pity that something that shallow means so much to kids).

    I did no homework and did not try my entire high school years. I liked to cut gym, which was my last class an d take a bus to the beach when the weather was nice. I threw my C/D/F report cards on the table and my parents didn't try to ground me for getting bad grades, which was good because it wouldn't have helped. By then I was a full blown difficult child and they could never have grounded me. I wouldn't have stayed home. I did not do drugs, have sex until marriage or break the law at all, but I absolutely would not listen to my mother, who was so mean to me. I truly hated her when I was that age. My father was never home to try to back her up. I didn't hate him, but he was never there. So I did absolutely nothing in school and could not be disciplined for it and I honestly don't think my mother cared. "Girls don't have to be smart. They just have to be beautiful." (You can't make these things up). My brother was a genius...that's all she cared about. She paid for his college, but my sister went and had to pay, I'm really on a vent...but my negative school hatred started with the bullying and, in that day and age, the teachers also bullied.

    When 37 started school I had panic attacks when I had to go to the building, remembering the bad experiences, and made my husband go most of the time. Anytime a teacher picked on 37, and he deserved it a lot, I'd go ballistic on the teacher and stick up for my son.

    Nobody from school was ever telling the truth or was on my side or my children's side to me.

    In high school I refused to attend my graduation ceremony and nobody could make me go. My father told me "You'll regret this forever" but I never even think abou it except when I write about it, like now. I never wanted to go to college. Never had regrets over that. School was my nightmare, possibly moreso than my mother. And that's hard.

    Bullied at home. Bullied at school. Not a good childhood.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2015
  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately it does. Sounds like you had it a lot worse than I did. Mine was mainly the toughs making a name for themselves at the expense of someone who wouldnt stand up for themselves. Funny thing is, as school progressed and I got bigger the bully went from picking on me by himself to having backup. Last time I saw him before the class reunion last fall was right after Marine Corps boot camp. He was all buddy buddy then!
  13. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Jabberwockey one of my worst bullies actually friended me on Facebook a few years ago. I wonder if she even remembers half the rotten stuff she did to me!
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know if it was worse. There were a bunch of them and I was really small and very sensitive. I felt I got back at them in high school, and they never ever bothered me again, but it gave me a bad feeling about school forever. In my day, the teachers could abuse you too and they did with me. I had a few teachers who would pull me by the collar to the front of the room and say, "THIS IS A LAZY FOOL!" "THIS IS A STUPID KID!" "THIS KID BITES HER NAILSL" (I did. I still do). When the teacher takes that sort of lead, everyone follows. One especially horrid teacher who had a love/hate relationship with me was th e meanest and worse. While she adored my creativity, the one thing I got kudos for in school (Singing, drama and writing), she thought I was having trouble with math on purpose and just not doing it. One day she threw my desk over because it was messy and everything fell out and she kicked it and said, "You clean this. No recess."

    At least teachers can't do that anymore.

    I don't remember if my mom, who was my only semi-involved parent, did anything about it or not, but nothing changed.

    So, yeah, I have never really grown to like or trust teachers or school. In t he back of my mind, I always wonder what they'd do to the poor kids if they didn't have new laws restricting their behaviors. In high school I went to school with MANY towns besides the one I grew up in and I buddied up with them...they were less academically inclined and less affluent...and I became a major class clown in certain classes. I could be disruptive and quite amusing to my peers. In other classes I'd put my head down on the desk and sleep.

    I never got over my mistrust of educators. To this day, I don't trust them.

    Funny thing is, I did not have a problem with any other authority figures such as cops, my bosses, others in charge of me. I respected adults who were nice to me. And I tried hard to be good as far as not having sex or doing drugs or following societal norms. It was just teachers and my mom and I sort of respected then disrespected her, depending on how badly she was treating me at the time.

    Sorry for stealing the thread. I"ll give it back. Something just hit a nerve. Ouch!
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2015
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    No problem. I had a really good experience with my teachers. Well, except for one and he was an ass to everyone!
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Jabber... I don't know where on earth you went to school, but it sure wasn't in my school district.

    "Remember, half of all <fill in the blank for any professionals> graduated in the bottom half of their class." That includes teachers. Except... I think 80% of mine were from the bottom 10%. (the rest were at the other extreme - no idea why)
  17. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Small town. If a teacher were to do something like MWM described, there would be a hell of a parental uproar followed by an unemployed teacher.
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I liked most of my teachers. I'm actually FB friends with my English teacher. I don't really remember any problems except for my Home Economics teacher, who hated me. The feeling was mutual. She was a nutjob. Told us soda would make us high. Thought us liking rock know those evil people like Andy Gibb and Shawn Cassidy was just shameful. She and I finally had a confrontation and she failed me...but even my mom didn't care.

    No one behaved that way in my little school either.
  19. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Same here in the UK. The education system here is toxic. Its main priority is providing ways for schools to work the system so they can get higher places in the school league tables - political priorities, not educational welfare priorities. It would be interesting if a survey could be done on how many difficult children would include negative school experiences in colouring their view of the world and contributing to the direction of their lives.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    School can be very toxic.

    I started out excited to go to school and came from a family of pharmacists, doctors, lawyers and business owners. Then I started struggling with certain subjects, like math, due to learning disabilities and was pretty much written off as lazy and hopeless.

    It colors your feelings about yourself and about the education you are supposed to get. There was no FAPE then. I'm glad there is now although it's often a fight to get it for your child. I never let the schools abuse my kids...God, I think they were so scared of me, and how I may take them to court, that they gave me everything I wanted for Jumper and Sonic and all of my kids were treated with extreme respect.