I was brought up in a VERY old-fashioned, VERY restricted way. I was also extremely naive. My naivety got me into a lot of hot water.
We had high hopes of having similar restrictions for our kids. No sex before marriage. But we live in a very isolated place which means a lot of sleepovers. At first husband & I took turns to stand guard - the boyfriend slept in our 'outhouse' and the girl slept in her room. But it became clear - eventually we would have to sleep. or go to work. They were determined to have sex. Short of throwing the kids out (and I couldn't blame the boyfriend, my daughter was being a tart) and THAT wouldn't have stopped them, either - we sat them down and had a talk.
Go ahead, have sex. It goes against everything we've tried to teach you about personal and sexual responsibility, but if you are so determined, then do it safely and with full precautions. They got the HIV talk, they got the "don't get pregnant" talk, they got the "Don't be manipulative or use sex as currency" talk. easy child 2/difficult child 2 also got the talk on the emotional damage she could do, to a vulnerable young man.
I took them shopping in the supermarket for condoms. There I was, a garishly dressed old lady, loudly asking them if they wanted ribbed or smooth, or maybe even flavoured? I took my daughter to the doctor, I got her on the Pill, she had her first pap smear, she got the talk from the doctor about sexual responsibility.
With both my girls, I couldn't stop them having sex. But I COULD stop them being promiscuous and I COULD make them responsible.
We do allow them to have sex under our roof. If we had tried to prevent it, they would both have left home much earlier and been without our support and protection. At least this way, we're here when they need us.
easy child now lives with BF1 in another city. They are very happy. They are legally registered as de facto. Neither has ever had another sexual partner. Marriage? I'd love it, but I'm not going to force them to. It's boyfriend who needs to think about it hard. He would really resent being forced into it because his own background is very twisted. He was bullied at school for being "the bast*d son of a crippled mother". Bullied by 'christians'. We have tried to teach him that TRUE Christians will not treat him that way. We know he is seriously thinking about marriage.
easy child 2/difficult child 2 is living with BF2, under our roof. She simply isn't ready to leave home. They want to move into a place of their own, I'm fairly sure they want to get married, but they still need help in organising their own affairs.
With both girls, we managed to 'stall' their sexual adventures until they were over 18. We consider that a success, when we look around at friends and neighbours.
We did the best we could. We taught them as best we could, brought them up to consider others, to be responsible and to not act on impulse.
I had some major hang-ups because my parents were TOO strict on the subject. It took me a few years to get over a lot of this damage. I'm fairly sure a number of my sisters were sneaking around before they married - backs of cars, that sort of thing. Not healthy, not safe.
I want my kids to be safe, I want them to not be damaged emotionally as I was.
If you can do all this and keep your kids from having sex early, then I congratulate you. Maybe it's different cultures - maybe if we'd raised our kids in the US we'd have had better success. or maybe not - I don't know. All I do know is, I'm comfortable now with how things are turning out. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is beginning to have problems in the reproductive area (probably totally unrelated to having already started having sex - in fact, the last Pap smear is what picked up something wrong). I'm glad she's talking to me about it, frankly and openly. And I'm glad she has a boyfriend who is here to support her as she goes through what is sounding potentially scary. This is new information - she rang me this afternoon from the doctor's, she's not home yet but she rang to get the name of my BRILLIANT gynaecologist. Because she is open with me, we've found this early and whatever it is is going to be treated fast. If something like this had happened to me, I would never have had the courage to go to my parents.
So well done, all of you, for keeping your kids 'pure'. I'm not being sarcastic here - I'm serious. Accolades to all. Do make sure you keep the doors open to communication, as well. If you can do that, you have come as close to perfection as I think any of us can. It sure ain't easy!
And difficult child 1? He has told me, he and girlfriend are waiting until they are married. So now he's cracking his neck to get married!
Marg