And so 35 is now back to "normal" should I go to Missouri for my grandson?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Oct 27, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Now that 35 is no longer under such extreme pressure, when he calls me it is pleasant and upbeat. VERY STRANGE, but 35 has always suffered from TERRIBLE anxiety disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and panic disorder. He is unable to control himself under stress, especially extreme stress, and gets abusive and even makes scary threats that I have no idea if he would carry out if the issue he is stressed about comes to fruitation. But now he is happy and as calm as a claim. WEIRD!!!!!!!

    If he remains calm, I may go visit my grandson, although I will NOT stay at difficult child's house. I am dying to see my little guy now that I know we are not going to lose him to ex.

    35 is a very difficult person to figure out. But my main concern is giving my grandson a bit of stability. Even my ex is no longer engaged in his life. My ex is 66 and had a serious endocrine disorder and medical issues since age twenty-seven and he seems to be on the decline. He was a good man, but he no longer invested in giving much to grandson, even when he is visiting. That leaves me as the only person who can give him the extended family stability and love that he deserves. I know I'd be a good influence and maybe another person to trust and call if things get shaky down the road.

    If 35 remains stable, I may go down for a while this winter, when it is so cold here. I am so anxious to hug my little boy who has been so brave.

    What do you all think? Remember all the stuff 35 said when he was freaked out. Should I go for the sake of my dear grandson who has held up so well for a five year old who has been a real soldier. What would you do? This is not about consoling or engaging 35. This is strictly about my grandson. I love him so much, although I don't know him that well. I feel it is time he gets to know me so I can offer him unconditional love and a safe haven...well, somebody to at least contact if things get tough for him with either parent.

    Good idea? Bad? Risky? I would not be going right away. I simply don't have the money to go yet. So I have time to weigh the pros and cons. Help?
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your love for you grandson comes across clearly MWM. Since this is not happening immediately, perhaps it's prudent to let the dust settle a tad before you make any plans. I presume your husband would accompany you, is that right? And you would stay in a hotel or motel, so you would have a safe place to go?

    I would take the time to digest all of this and ponder some boundaries that would be appropriate while you visit. Places to meet. When, how you would see your grandson, what does that look like, are you picking him up and keeping him or is it you and 35, grandson and husband. I would examine exactly how I would want the visit to go, for MY safety and MY comfort and when I was clear on all of that, I'd wait until the timing felt right and then I would communicate my "conditions" or plans for 35 to agree with. If he didn't agree, I would think twice about it.
  3. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    MWM like recovering, since you have time I'd wait and see if he returns to more status quo behavior before I made any decision. Then also like she said I would want a very clear vision of how you believe things should work out in plan form (best laid plans....yada yada but..). The other thing I'd also try to do is make sure that what ever plans you make are also refundable "incase". You don't want to go putting out money that you can't get back in case "the best laid plans" do go astray. If what ever plans you make aren't refundable look into "travel insurance" as well. There may be an option for cancellation protection even if things aren't refundable. jmho
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As usual, wise advice from all of you. Thanks!!!! I will wait.
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I think that, if there is a way for you to go and to come back safely, you should go.

    I don't think relying on 35's continued stability is enough. Are you, or can you become, prepared to protect yourself, if need be? I don't know what that would look like. Mace or pepper spray, a cell phone you always keep charged and keep with you to call 911? Life Alert for the time you are with him? A large container of cayenne pepper in your room?

    A plan for how to get out quickly.

    A little bag you always keep packed in the event of an emergency.

    Where would you go? Hotel?

    Will you have a car while you are there?

    If you need to leave, if you find something wrong in the way 35 is parenting...what will you do?

    How long until the police arrive, if you find it necessary to call them?

    Do you know anyone there? If not, how far to the nearest place of safety?

    Once you are fully prepared to deal with anything that comes up, then I think it would be safe to plan a visit.

    I would not trust my safety to 35. Unless you can protect yourself, there will be too great an imbalance of power.

    If you fly, I think you would be wise to rent a car during the time you are there.

    You will be less frightened, and will feel more in control, if you know you can protect yourself or get yourself and your grandchild to safety if need be.

    On the other hand? How exciting to think about spending that time with them!

    I have five year old grandsons. Just thinking about you spending time with yours makes me miss mine like the dickens. They are so darn cute at that age!


    If you decide against the trip for right now, go ahead and begin sending the grandson little things in the mail addressed c/o 35. Maybe, do that even if you are planning to go. It will be fun for you to do that, and will make you real to the little boy.


    Excited for you, MWM.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't do it unless I were prepared to not get sucked into old habits with 35. Everyone can change and grow, but it gets more complicated when you add old connections to the mix. That's not to say I wouldn't do it, just that I would prepare myself to absolutely ignore him and let him be whatever it is he's going to be.

    on the other hand, do send cards and gifts to GS, call him on the phone, make sure he knows who you are and that you love him.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi again. Well, today he flipped out again because he didn't like an answer I gave him. Now he is stressing that even though he got his way his ex still wants to go to litigation even though the judge, the GAL and her own lawyer are pressuring her to settle. The lady has a noodle for a brain. However, she CAN take it to court if she wants to. It won't change anything that has already been decided if they do go, but 35 is still on edge. Since he won what he wanted, I didn't feel at all that I needed to listen so I put the phone down until he realized I wasn't listening and hung

    Witz, he is 35. He isn't going to change. When he is not under undue stress he is simply more tolerable than when he is under stress, in which he is almost insane, maybe even dangerous. I would like to see my grandson, but after his mild blowup today, it's not time to plan a visit yet. I was so excited about maybe seeing grandson again that I was thinking, "I can stay only three days and just stay with 35 in his house. It'll be ok." Well, I think it's best now if I stay in a hotel. That will take a considerable amount of time to save up for so I can't go for a long, long time and 35 may change my heart about going in the meantime.

    You are all right. I have to stay safe most of all. I do feel bad that grandson is stuck with such crazy parents and I'd like to be there for him.....but he's so far away and we don't have enough money for me to make plane trips back and forth and stay at hotels and rent cars so I am sort of unable to do much. It stinks, but it is what it is.
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sorry MWM, I was hoping for the best. All I can say is maybe you can find a way to work with ex on being able to spend time with him. She may be unstable but from what you've said she isn't dangerous.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    MWM - I was actually referring to your changing and growing and not feeding his old habits of sucking you in. ;)

    I think you're probably right about not going right now. Do you skype? I'd try to arrange a 5 minute weekly skype talk with your grandson since he is so far away.
  10. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I'm so sorry that your son turned. Though I don't think it really came as a surprise to you or any of us. It was just a glimmer of hope. I think the others have some good ideas for your grandson on the outset though if you choose to go that route. It's not an easy road and though I'm not in the position you are in with it (I hope I don't ever get there but you never know). This board is tremendous for learning for past, present, and future needs for all of us. It also gives us strength in so many ways that I could have never imagined when it was just but a little egg beginning so many years ago. It has blossomed into such a beautiful, wondrous home! :)
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks all. I'm not going to go. I hope my granadson is able to cope. So far he is doing really well and got all the best marks you can on his report card, including behavior. I just can't be the one to do it. Not enough money, and I don't want to stay with son.