Hi,
Has there ever been an opportunity where you could actually say all that in an appropriate way to difficult child directly? I think it might be a relief for both of you.
You both have made mistakes...all humans do - we are imperfect. The thing to remember is we CAN change to some degree, we do have at least some control of how we choose to live our lives, and we can repair ourselves and our relationships if we choose to, and we can go on and be even stronger. Perhaps acknowledging all that with difficult child would do you both some good? I don't know.
When difficult child was going to psychiatrist for SA issues, I guess he blamed me for the fact that he was adopted. I know - that's irrational, but he had to take it out on somebody, so he was mad at his birthmother, and he couldn't take it out on her, so he took it out on me. We butted heads constantly. Anyway, the psychiatrist had a session with husband, me and difficult child, and he wanted us to air out all our grievances about one another, and for us to each acknowledge and validate the other person's feelings, even if we didn't agree. difficult child said some hurtful stuff, some of it was embellished, and I was resistant to validate, because I was very hurt and I felt this child we adopted was turning on me after all we did for him. When I heard his complaints, I bit my tongue and genuinely said something like, "I'm really sorry if I made you feel that way. I certainly didn't have that intention and I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope I can do better going forward." I didn't say it in an insincere manner, and I looked him in the eye when I said it. It made all the difference in our relationship, and we've repaired a great deal since then.
Sometimes, acknowledging the elephant in the room is the best policy, even though you can't go back and have a do-over. Hugs to you, it's hard...I know.