Another non update (of course rambling and long)...confession at the end

[Signorina]

difficult child has been back in town for nearly 2 months. At the beginning of June, he made a plan to come for dinner every Sunday night. We saw him each weekend in June (between Father's Day, the graduation activities, etc) and not since. He made plans to come by on Sunday June 24 to say goodbye to his grandmother (she spent the weekend of PCs party)and didn't show. When we did see him, things were awkward but cool. I invited his girlfriend and her parent's to easy child's big bash - more of a "keep your friends close and your enemies(not really) closer" idea. And I wanted them to see that we are a happy NORMAL family with friends and 2 happy pcs. To their credit - they showed. VERY AWKWARD, very cool -- especially the mom - but the dad made an effort to be warm and cordial, thanked us profusely for including them etc. And since difficult child had bombed us with a "You won't be friends with girlfriend's parents" during our January debacle, I wanted to throw the ball right back at them. (figuratively and literally)

Trying to let difficult child's no shows roll off my back. H and I vowed to each other that we wouldn't chase difficult child.

Easier to say than to do...

H and I went to see MIB 3 (movie) on July 1. Very touching father son scene at the end. I cried on H's shoulder, told him that he was such a good father to difficult child and that I was so incredibly hurt by the way difficult child had turned his back on us. And that I am so worried about him. And that I had texted difficult child during the week to see how he was doing in the 100+ degree heat and he had blown me off.

Later that week, I text difficult child to wish him a happy fourth. No reply again. I check his phone history to see if he is getting my texts and see that he and h had a few minute long conversation on July 2. I blow my top. H and I made a deal that we would always let the other know if we had been in contact with difficult child. And H didn't tell me - even though he knew I was really worried about difficult child's well being. H claims that he had called difficult child to tell him to get in touch with me and he though difficult child would. And he wanted me to think it came from difficult child. Which is not cool with me at all. Still not cool with me. I love my husband with all of my heart but the strain this is putting on my marriage is starting to choke me.

I do get a text from difficult child stating that he's sorry can't make Sunday dinner on the 7th because he's away for the weekend but he can come for dinner one night during the week? I suggest Friday 7/13 because his Aunt & Uncle & cousins will be visiting. (he hasn't seen them since 1999. He loves his boy cousins, they are similar ages, they keep in touch) He tells me he cant make that night because he is going away for the weekend of the 13-15 too but will come for dinner on 7/15. Of course, he calls me at 4 that he won't make dinner because he won't be back in time. I tell him that WE will be out of town the following weekend, so next Sunday is out. Guess what - he will actually be on vacation from the 20 through the 28th with his girlfriend's family so he wasn't available then anyway. Can I mention that my birthday falls during that week? Of course, he didn't mention it. He made tentative plans to come for dinner on Wed this week but I am not holding my breath.

At H's request, he stops by for about 2 minutes that night to pick up some mail that looked important. Of course, H had shone the flashlight through the mail and it was a letter from his University stating they were closing his readmission application because he had not provided the documentation they requested. H loaded him with a "oh a letter from University. Are you registered?" And difficult child replied "yes, I just have to pick my courses". LIAR

So here's the confession:

I get wind of a huge drinking party on Facebook. Event page is public and difficult child & his girlfriend have "going to blah blah event" on their page. Stupid young people. A big 21st kegger bash and bring your own goods... tons of details on the event page. So, at 10:30 pm - an hour after difficult child left here - (I am guessing to go to the party) I tip off the police anonymously. I don't know if the police went (the parents were hosting it, so they may have run interference with any searching) but the page was down and the party thrower's personal page was squeaky clean this morning.

No guilty conscience here. Hoping it prevented a drinking and driving accident.

The young man who stood in my kitchen last night is not my son. He stood there, talking a little too fast, boasting too much, exaggerating his success, yet all the while he was slightly swaying from foot to foot - a sure signal (since he was 2) that he was lying. He was like Joe Isuszu (remember him - the lying car salesman?) And yet - he was so familiar and so very much a stranger at the same time. I hate it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Signorina, I am so sorry for your wounded mother's heart, I can feel your sorrow and anger and I truly understand how you feel. It is heartbreaking. I have no words of wisdom, I wish I did. All I can do is empathize with your feelings, pray for your son to wake up, pray for peace for you and send you gentle hugs to soothe your spirit.

 

[Nancy]

Oh Sig I know how much this is hurting you and he just doesn't care. He's going to live his life the way he wants and he's making it clear that he doesn't care like like you and I wish our difficult child's would care. I have not seen or heard from my difficult child since her birthday on June 6 other that and the chance encounter I had with her walking her dog when I drove by her apartment after my support group meeting just to see if her car was there. She doesn't call us or come to visit or for dinner or even send us a text. A couple times I accidently pocket dialed her and got the response "wats up?" I saw her post on her fb asking if anyone had air conditioning because her apat was so hot and needed a place to cool off. Ummmm we have air conditioning. She has just written us off and I am convinced we will never hear hear from her again unless she needs something that she can't beg, borrow or steal from someone else.

It hurts. For 19 years our lives were consumed with her and now that she is gone, just disappeared, it's weird. Of course it's more peaceful but it's also so very strange and unnatural. What am I suppose to do with the memories of these past 21 years? How should I feel knowing husband could have retired by now and we could be living easy had it not been for the fortune we spent on trying to help her? What do I do with the bitterness of so many wasted years and the emptiness I feel when I realize she wants nothing to do with us? And what do I do about the family reunion Aug 11 that I really don't want her to attend because it's so awkward now around her and yet I am saddened that she becomes more estranged from her extended family with every missed event. No one asks about her naymore and she doesn't even get birthday cards from anyone. They have all moved on but I'm stuck. I don't even know her anymore.

So I truly do understand you and know your heart is hurting and I care.

Nancy

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi Signorina,
difficult child is squandering his life and his God-given gifts right now, and if I'm inferring things correctly, he's being enthusiastically enabled by girlfriend and her family. There's nothing, sadly, that you or husband can do about it. The upside is, he's not asking you for money, so he appears to be self supporting, going to work every day, so that's surely a positive.
My guess is he's blowing you off because there's an elephant in the room, you all know it, but what can anyone do? If you bring up genuine contentions, neither of you will want to interact. So the perfunctory, once in a while get togethers will have to suffice if you and husband want to leave the door open to a future, mature and meaningful relationship. difficult child is not willing to do that yet, because he's "accepted" for what he is by girlfriend and family. Many, many families turn the other cheek when it comes to their adult kids getting drunk, using substances, underachieving, etc. You're not like that, but girlfriend's family must be. As long as he's got that lifeline, he won't have to really examine his behavior or his conscience.
husband just wants you to be happy, and he wants to fix things. It's what men do. So even though he didn't tell you he texted difficult child, you know it's because he wanted difficult child's call to look spontaneous and unforced. husband meant well, but I know of the strain on a marriage when a difficult child is involved. husband took a vow to love, honor and cherish YOU, and in his mind, he's honoring that vow.
Lastly, I think your anonymous tip was grand, FWIW. You're great parents. The Joe Isuzu thing is to save face - he's suppressing his guilt and shame and his lies are being exposed (college registration) and he knows he's fooling himself. He's probably not sure how to extricate himself from the mess he's in without his pride being hurt, so he lives in a house of cards for the time being. It won't last forever, so despite it being so frustrating to have such a superficial relationship with difficult child, it's probably best to grit your teeth for now. It hurts, I know, and it's infuriating, (kids are supposed to honor their parents) but the only other option is to cut him off entirely, and I'm sure you don't want that. Things svck sometimes, but you have a loving husband and 2 PCs to enjoy your time with - that's a blessing in itself.

 

[Nancy]

CJ you rock!

Nancy

 

[InsaneCdn]

I love my husband with all of my heart but the strain this is putting on my marriage is starting to choke me.

Sig? Just my take on that, but... don't let difficult child come between you and your husband. Even if difficult child isn't overtly trying to do that, his GFGness means that stuff will get twisted up. You know your husband... very well. You know whose side he is on, and you know that difficult child isn't on YOUR side. So... for the sake of your marriage, put all this stuff where it belongs... in the difficult child bucket. Even if it IS 10% husband, it's still... difficult child. Love him (husband) for the intention, even if you don't really like the process. (Mom always said that that line... said it was one of the keys to keeping a marriage together...)

 

[BusynMember]

Sig, I am so sorry difficult child is doing this to you. And I KNOW how it feels first hand.

I also wouldn't let him come between you and H. It's not worth it. In the end, you and H are all you will have. The kids leave, have their own families, etc.

I also think it is very wise NOT to check his FB page because it's just going to upset you. There isn't anything you can do about it either. What he does, he does. Ditto for his cell phone calls (do you still pay for his cell phone?) That's something I would not do, considering his age and his actions.

On a more positive note, some of what he is doing is pretty typical. A lot of adult kids no longer like to participate in family get togethers, especially when they are still in those early adult years (I am laughing at the word "adult"), but legally they are. They get more into their friends and whatever else is going on and don't think that hanging with Mom, Dad and Brother is all that fun when there is so much other stuff to do.

Here are big (((huggles))) for your hurting mommy heart. I have a good book I recommend you read. It is helping me because I tend to get too involved in my kids and live and die with everything that happens to them and it isn't healthy for them or for me. This, by the way, includes my easy child kids. The book is: "Let Go Now" (embracing detachment) by Karen Casey. It's a very upbeat, common-sense book. On the cover it says (under t he title) "Set boundaries AND make your life your own." I've always been overly emotionally enmeshed in my kid's lives and it hasn't worked out too well for me. I'm not only a mess over the problems that husband and I have to face. I make myself doubly filled with anxiety by worrying over every bump in the road that my kids go through, and sometimes I do stuff like you do...such as checking FB. I am learning that I don't need to know everything any of my kids are doing or feeling. Then I'm not the best "me" I can be for my loved ones who need me OR for myself.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Sorry your difficult child has bo een treating you poorly. Please don't let him get between you and your husband. Try not to dwell on difficult child and spend more happy times with H and pcs.

 

[exhausted]

Sig-my heart just aches for you. You have done all you can. You do not have to prove what a good family you are any more. difficult child is just that a difficult child! Gosh how this hurts and I hear that in your post. I am glad you are in touch with your feelings. It is so easy to become wrapped up in difficult child's issues and forget your own feelings. There are days when I don't even know what I am feeling. This is not good-it made me sick, so I am glad you can write them.

As for husband-it would make me not happy either but the intention was a good one. I have to tell you that I have kept some things from my husband because I knew his dad heart would come unglued (sexual letters difficult child has written). It was protective and also it was selfish. Please try to stay close to your husband-dear God, these kids take everything from us if we let them. A giant hug to you and a prayer that you find a little peace today.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Sig,

I read your posts and my heart literally aches. I know you are going every sane thing you can think of doing....in time, hopefully he will turn things around.

It's so hard when you understand enough so you can see through their games. A part of me wants to be naive again yet I know that isn't possible. It hurts you more to see him as he truly is - but then again, you are better able to parent him.

I think you calling the police was brave and the absolutely perfect choice. I would be grateful to you if I had a child in that area and/or live around this house. More parents should have your courage.

Praying for you...

 

[Kathy813]

CJ, you always sum things up so succinctly. Sig, I do think he will see the light eventually (probably after the break up with the current girlfriend). In the meantime, stay the course.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy