Anxiety in a big way

[TeDo]

And I'm talking MY anxiety (that has been under control for years). I posted a week or so ago that I was hired for a job and will start working again for the first time in over a year. Well, I start tomorrow and I am in near-panic mode. My anxiety has kicked in and nothing seems to be helping. What is causing it is the fact that my kids fight ALL the time because difficult child 1 is ....well ......difficult child 1. Add to that the fact that difficult child 2 is becoming more and more like difficult child 1. Neither understands the other and neither can tolerate the other's "imperfections". We are working hard on alternate points of view but they are far from getting it. I will be working short shifts in the afternoon/evening (2-8 or 3-8) a couple nights a week and 7 hour daytime shifts every other week-end. I am scared to death about what is going to happen when I am gone or repeated phone calls about the most ridiculous but fierce arguments I have ever seen. I am not allowed to have a cell phone there and they said my kids are welcome to call directly if they need something. They are too old for a babysitter (and I couldn't afford one anyway) and as most of you know, my mother is NOT an option. There is NO ONE to check up on them or for them to call/go to if there's a problem except me. Yes, I am terrified!

Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling but my mind is spinning and my heart is pounding in my throat. Ideas are appreciated and support is more than welcome.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I can totally understand your anxiety in this case. Are there after school or enrichment activities (Boy's Club, etc.) that they can attend on the school days that you work? I think that the lack of supervision and attention seeking behavior is going to ramp up and they may disturb you at work if not occupied.

 

[DDD]

trying to send calming supportive hugs. DDD

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) Once you get to your job it will be much easier to get the kids out of your mind (and worry). It might help to be back at work where you can feel productive and concentrate on your own life more. I've noticed the fact that I like my new job has helped E concentrate on his own life more- his age might help with the independence but still, you need some space for your own sanity, too, and sometimes a good job can be the key. (I'm trying to think positive for you. LOL!)

 

[TiredSoul]

TeDo, I feel for you! Do you have a YMCA they could go to? Could they even volunteer? Some difficult child's just cannot be left at home alone. I understand your anxiety. ((Hugs))

 

[Wiped Out]

I so understand! I hate when I have to leave my 15 and 19 year old together. difficult child has taken to mostly staying in our room and watching tv when they are both home alone. The two just cannot get along!

 

[TeDo]

We don't have such luxuries as a Boys Club or YMCA. Our town is small and in the middle of nowhere. The only thing I can come up with is if I have difficult child 2 go to the library where he volunteers a lot from the time I leave until at least 4:00 when difficult child 1 usually goes to play with friends. The problem is going to be when it's raining and in the winter when they really can't go anywhere. THAT will be a pain.

 

[klmno]

Somehow you need to transition this to being their problem- not yours. It might be a rocky road and I know that's what you're dreading but shoot, I think you ideas sound great and when they are stuck at home together maybe you can try just letting them figure it out and then cringing when you see the repercussions until they figure out that you aren't going to run home at every argument or whatever. Easier said than done, right? *sigh*

 

[Calamity Jane]

I don't know if you'd even want to suggest this to your new employer, but could they "volunteer" there...let's say one is in the stockroom and the other is doing other chores, like prepping or cleaning. It would give them work activity and something to concentrate on, other than fighting. It would give them purpose and experience. I don't know if they can behave that long, but if they're split up in the store? (Also, I don't know if you just want some time to be away from them, in which case this is a bad idea!)

 

[TeDo]

and when they are stuck at home together maybe you can try just letting them figure it out and then cringing when you see the repercussions until they figure out that you aren't going to run home at every argument or whatever. Easier said than done, right? *sigh*

Yep, easier said than done but thanks for the idea. Just so you know, difficult child 2 is 5'11" and 190 lbs. difficult child 1 is 4'9" and 75 lbs. difficult child 1 can't handle himself when difficult child 2 goes after him so difficult child 1 looks for "weapons" to keep difficult child 2 at bay. The idea of that terrifies me more than anything. I just need to find a way to keep them 100% apart when I'm gone.

CJ, I wish it were that easy. Yes, I need the break but "because of liability" no one is allowed to do those things unless they are an employee which they can't be until they are 16.

I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's times like this when I wish I had someone, anyone to keep an eye on them but the only one that could and would is back at college now. It hoovers!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Could you do a trade with other mothers to watch one boy and leave the other one home and then the next time, the other one goes to a friends and the other one stays home. Then you can perhaps have both of the other friends over when you're not working at the same time, occupying your sons and paying back the trade for child care. And, maybe every other weekend when you have the 7 hour shifts, you could find a play camp or workshop, or sports event? You said you live in a small town, so I don't know what's available on weekends for kids. Maybe more trades with other parents. I completely understand your anxiety about leaving them home together, so maybe this plan would keep them separate but occupied.

 

[DammitJanet]

I had to leave Cory and Jamie home alone after school while I worked. After school care stopped when they left 6th grade and we didnt have a boys club or Y either. It really was a pain. I have no idea if you are as rural as I am or not but we just had to deal with it. I know your state does have some waiver programs available. Could you get the most difficult one a waiver to have a PCA or whatever it would be called to come take him out during the afternoons...sort of like Buddy's son goes out? Cory had one. I also left certain chores that each had to do during the time I was gone...not that they actually got done but there was a treat like dessert if the chores or homework were done. Does each child have a room to themselves? If so, do they each have their own TV, game stuff or whatever they like in their rooms? Can they ride bikes outside during good weather? Mine were outdoors kids most of the time. They dropped their stuff inside and then went fishing for most of the afternoon.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I'm so sorry! I feel for you.

I would suggest 1) separating them by activities, say,one goes to the Y, the other stays home; and 2) threatening both of them if they call you at work with-anything other than the house burning down. I did that with-my easy child and difficult child and said that if they called me at work or out to dinner, they would both lose their Internet privileges and be grounded for the rest of the week. (You have to have a history of following through to make this work.) It worked, mostly. There will always be bad times, but that may take out a big chunk of the fighting and getting you involved.

Hugs.

 

[DaisyFace]

Tedo--

Can you arrange for one/other or both to go to a friend's house certain days after school?

If not - I might seriously consider getting each of them their own videogame system and snack box or mini-fridge in their own bedroom with strict orders: go right to your room, get your homework done, then you may play video games. If anything is amiss when I get home - the video game system is GONE.

 

[buddy]

I feel for you ....I grabbed a bunch of job notices and all these thoughts of what will go wrong made me put them down. I think you can only prep them with schedules, choices, rules and consequence threats and then see what happens. Do they get an allowance? Maybe money could be connected to appropriate behaviors? Try to get some sleep and enjoy your time away when at work. I maybe wouldn't even ask them how it went while you were gone. It will just stress you. If everyone's alive and the pet and house are standing .....it went well!

 

[TeDo]

The first night went fine. difficult child 2 went to the library from 2-4 and then came home but difficult child 1 had left at 3:30 to go play with a friend who is an only child of a single dad who's never home. They weren't both home until 7:30 when difficult child 1 took the dog for a walk and he didn't return until I had already come home. THIS was a good night.

Thanks for all the ideas. They do online school from home. They share a bedroom. We have 2 game systems and 2 tv's in our house. A 32" in the living room on the main floor and a 20" in their room upstairs. Neither will "settle" for the 20" so even that plan won't work. We can stick with my plan until the snow flies. At least that will give me some time to come up with something else for winter (unless we have another almost snowless winter). Maybe by then they'll be able to at least tolerate each other (yea, I know, but please let me wish/dream. LOL).

 

[TerryJ2]

Fingers crossed!

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm so glad the first day went so well. perhaps they'll do better then you think!!!

 

[TiredSoul]

Yay TeDo! That's great! Here's hoping it stays that way!

 

[TeDo]

Finished day two and apparently they were home together for a bit and there were no problems. Maybe they are so tired of us being poor (they complain about it ALL the time) and will "do whatever it takes" to let me keep this job without consequences.