Anybody want to trade places for a couple days?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Yikes, another rough morning here with son. Getting him up is always time consuming and energy draining.( same as daughter ) Even when he wakes on his own( rarely for school) you never know what your gonna get. Good mood, bad mood, even if good mood can turn so quick over anything.

    So we came home from grandpas and he sat down and he started screaming" you left my food out etc" I was in shock because I just brought his food with us, so I didn't understand. While hes screaming bloody murder I left his food out, calling me a bitc% , Im trying to see what he means. After I let the dogs out, I came back in and he had thrown books all over the floor screaming hes not going to school. I looked at the coffee table ,ok, my bad, there was a half eaten roll up and two bites of ice cream left from last night. (from the Ice-cream truck) First of all when we left I thought he ate it all and didn't notice it on the table. I told him I will give him the money to replace the food but he needs to calm down.

    Well, hes in his room screaming, biting himself, throwing stuff, saying hes not going to school etc. This is just the start. JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  2. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    As I mentioned hes biting himself again.. so bad that he kept biting in the same spot, its red and you can see the marks. He says I/we want him dead so hes biting himself. He gets so mad and he bites himself. Told us he hates us wishes we were dead. He tore his door more apart as well. Then he goes in the living room and turns on the t.v! Really after that? Hes grounded but he wont listen so.. mamma is getting the cable/wifi shut off! Besides, the bill is expensive anyway with the wifi etc.. Least I wont be on here much complaining :)

    Then add he throws his clean clothes on the floor saying" oh their dirty now get me clean clothes" NO! I wont! He can wear those. My floor is not dirty. Fur maybe sure. And the screaming continues :(

    I really really really am so tired and done.
     
  3. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    I have no advice, but I'm truly sorry you are having an exhausting and frustrating morning. Sending hugs.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you checked into rehabs for your son? Called social services for help?

    Nobody can consistently handle that sort of behavior and your son, like many in your life, needs professional help beyond what you can give him. You have to be willing to contact Social Services though. I found that when WE were the ones asking for help, they were great. This happened when our psycho kid was found to be perpetrating on our younger kids. They couldn't have been more accommodating. If THEY have to be called, it's a different story.

    Someone is going to call about your son eventually and it is better if it's you so that SS doesn't think you're trying to hide from them.

    Hugs and try to have a good day and do one thing nice for YOURSELF :)
     
  5. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think you need to videotape the behaviors. First to protect yourself from accusations of abuse and secondly to be able to show mental health therapist the actual behaviors. As they say a picture shows a thousand words!
     
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  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I agree with calling SS or something... for a minimum, they can give you some "respite care" so you can hang onto sanity. Not sure how it is where you are, but here, they will do a heaping pile of things to help, if they can avoid taking custody of a difficult child (their term... :D )
     
  7. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you Mominator for your hugs.

    Im calling around to get an appointment with with the right one this time I hope. Last one all of sudden told me on the phone they cant really go that deep into a diagnose they just talk things out. Which is good too, but still need a diagnose. Im not hiding anything from them and yes, as soon as I can collect more video while waiting fro the appointment I will call them along with going in to the local station. Their bound to have one cop at any rank that has a child or family member who has mental health issues. Thank you.

    2much2recover I agree! I keep saying Im going to get one that I can hide but either money or he actually gets a little better I dont . No more of that!!! I am getting my grandpa to pay for it no matter! See then they can tell me how to handle him better then I been when they see whats going on to. Also medications, this child needs medications no matter how much therapy he gets. I hate to admit that :( Thank you

    Insane, here, it doesnt work that way in my town. But if my child ever actually gets diagnosed with proper therapy and medications Im going to be in shock and will be able to get my respite care by a friend. Thank you too

    ******** Its all worse, his violence started up because lunch was not fixed to his satisfaction when he said guess what I want. Well, more damaged stuff, he bit and hit me along with stabbing me with a sharp part of a umbrella holder that was broken. He has no remorse none.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You haven't tried social services. I know there are horror stories about them but they are not out to take your kids. They can't take your kids without good reason, like sexual abuse or bruises all over their bodies.

    A friend of mine, who recently passed away at age 42 (very sad story...unknown blood clot) adopted two kids. One was like your son and the police were always there. She never got arrested or threatened and they were able to calm him when she could not and her husband wasn't home. He lives in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) now, getting the help he so desperately needs. The other kids are still home. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was my friend and her husband's idea when he started expressing sexual thoughts about little girls. He has a younger sister. Although your son hasn't done that (yet), he is dangerous to you and your daughter and should not be at home. The other chaos does not help him. It probably even makes him worse.

    There is nothing you alone can do for your son. And your friend does not know how to deal with your son either. She isn't trained to do so. You need professional help or your future will be the police, all right, when your son is in jail and you can't hide it anymore. At least if you try, you can always tell yourself you did your best. The school is not able to take care of high needs child such as your son. He is too violent and out of control. They can not help him. They are educators, not psychiatrists. You have a much better chance of the school calling social services on you and you getting into trouble than if YOU do it first.

    One thing no mother ever wants is to see her grown child in trouble and to think, "I didn't do enough" and really mean it. I know you are afraid, but this is for your son, not you, and it is not enough. He is getting worse, not better. Wait until he hits his teens. It won't be pretty. You will no longer be able to hide him or what is going on at home. Eventually, the authorities, either social services or the police, will find out. And if you didn't make the first move,t hey will assume you were covering up for something and may finger you as abusive. I've been a foster mom and dealt a lot with social services. They can be your friend or your enemy. But if you have a child who acts out so obviously, they WILL get to know you as will the cops.

    In my friends case, the first time the cops came it was a neighbor who called when her son was running down the street screaming and swearing at her. The teachers started calling next, and then help from them became an ultamatim. The child's birthmother had schizophrenia. To this day, this child is so puzzling, he is not formally diagnosed. They suspect attachment disorder. But attachment disorder does not always apply only to adopted kids. If your son had a very chaotic early years with breaks in caregiving, abuse, and screaming, and neglect of any sort, he could have it too. Or he could have the biological makeupof his birthfather. Only YOU know what his birthfather was like to know if this is possible.

    Just like you either will have to calm down your every day life or be sick very young, you will eventually have to meet the cops and social services because your son is violent and it won't get better when he is older. He is vulnerable to taking drugs, stealing, doing all sorts of things that will get him into trouble. Just like you are not a professional caregiver and can't adequately take care of your entire elder family, you are not trained to take care of your son and his problems without help. And you'll get the help, either because you ask for it or against your will. Eventually, especially as he gets older, he will come to the attention of some authorities that you don't trust. It may be best to build a relationship that you CAN trust earlier rather than later. One day your son will assault a teacher or neighbor or friend or maybe even a cop and he will be more like fifteen and tall and strong and it won't be overlooked, Know what I mean?? It won't fly.

    Just a suggestion.

    As always, hoping you can break down that wall and make your life better. By doing that, you make everyone you love more accountable for his/her own life and they are better off for it. It isn't good for anyone to be so dependent on somebody else. What if the person suddenly isn't there anymore?

    My 42 year old friend did not expect to die. Fortunately her husand is a strong man, but you are alone. You need to keep yourself healthy, fit and happy. THAT is what is best for you and for everyone you love. No matter how much Family guilts you out or how scared you are of authority figures, for whatever reason, if you don't take action yourself...action will be taken against your will. Life does not stand still. It changes. I hope you can stop being so afraid of everything and so beholden to those who are making things worse, and do what you need to do to help your son and daughter and YOU. Yes, YOU MATTER.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
  9. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I know, thats why I said "Im not hiding anything from them and yes, as soon as I can collect more video while waiting fro the appointment I will call them along with going in to the local station. Their bound to have one cop at any rank that has a child or family member who has mental health issues." I am telling people, doctors, the time my son called the cops cuz he refused to get ready and i said goodnight Im going back to bed then. I told him EVERYTHING. No chaotic early life, no yelling, only us watching him, no daycares and no abuse.

    Again I had a rough pregnancy with both my boys and I miscarried the first one at 3 months along. I had both severe pain and bleeding and the first pregnancy I was prescribed Motrin which in most cases leads to issues/death for the fetus. Yes, there was a chance It didnt contribute, we dont know but with my son only took Tylenol and he made it. ( daughters prego was fairly easy, just dizzy alot) Son was up 4times a night from day one...delayed speech, bowed legs, temper started at 1 1/2 old. Slowly worsened as the years went on. Yes, we have ended up yelling back but after YEARS of this is when we yelled,and for that we are not the worst parents ever because there are other parents who have yelled back and some who do worse. Not saying it was right to yell. Im not refusing help as I been asking for it for many years. I get sent to the the doctors..counselors etc and dont get a true or at least almost accurate diag with medications and therapy.

    Their dad has been arrested for Domestic Violence, DWI, couple other issues. He also has no remorse, takes no blame, blames the girls or others. His brother and father were the same way. Now none of them were diagnosed. Also very rude mouthed but can be very intelligent and can hide his true nature very well. Hes not always rude as there are some times he can be really funny and nice( as son) He denies all this and says hes fine.

    My mom and her mom had Schizophrenia ( her mom drank so unsure the truth on her mom). My sister is a cross of both my kids. So, from there, between my mom and his dad my kids have some issues of sorts.

    I meant I will have resprtite care when my son is helped and calmer and he cans stay at a friends house( my friend) for a night or two.

    Again, Im sorry about your friend
     
  10. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    oh forgot to add son was 4 weeks premature- not sure if this can have anything to do with his issues. daughter i was dilating, lightly bleeding ( you all know how labor goes) but had her induced 1 week early because of her size anyway.. they thought she was 2 pounds heavy and no c section, so I said go ahead lets do it instead chance it later.
     
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Does your son cooperate at school once he is there or does he behave there the way he behaves at home?

    If he behaves badly at school, how do they handle it?

    Does he have Special Education services or any other supports at school, over and above what a 'typical' child gets?

    Just wondering if he behaves this way with anyone besides yourself.
     
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  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Wow, I would definitely be calling the police when these situations happens as it looks like he has more problems that you can handle. Imagine him growing up (bigger) the more damage he can do. You are basically being held hostage by an 8 year old!

    I do hope you are aware that what you are battling here is very corrosive DNA. I don't think there is anything parenting wise that has made you child behave this way, he is just unfortunate enough to be born with really bad DNA. If I were you I would use "the system" (I.e call the police whenever he becomes violent) to get him placed out of the home. That would leave you free to focus your energies on parenting your 14 year old.
    by the way I watch a lot of crime dramas and kids his age are certainly capable of murdering their parents so I do fear for both you and your daughter's safety!
     
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  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    yes, being a premie can increase the chances of challenges - it's not all premies, but there does seem to be more premies with challenges than "full term" babies.
     
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  14. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    AppleCori- once hes at school he can almost hold his anger in. He expresses his anger at school thru P.E. , slamming a basketball( they usually dont realize hes mad just thinks hes playing but his teacher knows) , has been little mouthy and they made him write an apology letter or took away recess. But overall hes good there. He blows with all us family, some kids on the block, yes his dad, my friends, most neighbors if hes in a bad mood he doesnt care who hears him or what he says has cussed them out. But they dont handle him so no violence with neighbors. Has blown at stores as well. But its as if he needs to be used to the person for a while then he lets lose.. He has been rude to doctors but no meltdowns yet in front of them. He wants to appear as the good kid and blame us for everything and he does.No, Im going to talk to his neurologist and see if he can suggest a IEP/504 whatever it is for him. Hes the one who has helped the most so far by diagnosing the ADHD and sleep issues. So far the neuropsychologist evaluation ( done by a man who specializes in it not the neurologist) suggested the IEP/504 thing even tho no definite diagnoses yet, just a huge list of rule ins/outs. Thank you

    2much2recover, yes I know! And he has always been a strong little boy too, yes, recipe for disaster as you all said. Yes, a hostage is what I feel like in my own home! With my kids/family I am always on eggshells and torn in so many ways! I know what your saying, what all of you are saying, I just am not ready to hand my child over without knowing he got more help first then what he barely has. I feel with the proper diag and medications, he can be better. I dont know how much better, as a mom, he just has to get better :/ My friends says theres nothing wrong mentally with my kids, they are just spoiled and I give in too much. Ok, yes, shes right, they have been spoiled and we have gaven in and stopped punishments so my dad/gpa could calm down so they didnt have chest pain as they were. Wrong of me true.. I know Im always back and fourth its all my fault. or my fault plus disabilities. Im reading what all of you are going through, just found another site on Asbergers, and oh my gosh so much is almost exactly. Thank you
     
  15. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thanks Insane, I always hear it does then it doesnt.
     
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Sounds as if your son can behave I a 'typical' 8yo child way at school, at least, so he is not eligible for any 'extra' resources at school.

    Does he keep up with his school work/homework?

    Do you and your two kids live alone or are you living with other relatives?

    Does he get along with his sister?

    Just wondering if you can identify specific things that trigger his rages. Does he have problems with noises, clutter, too many people in a small space, or other things?

    Does he do better with more structure in his day, like he has in school?

    Does he usually get upset after being at grandpa's?

    I agree that he needs an evaluation and probably some medication for his rages/anger. I hope you can get him the help he needs before he gets bigger and harder to handle.

    I can hear your love and concern for your child in your posts and it is heartbreaking.

    Hugs





     
  17. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    Confused, my son has aspergers, ADHD, traumatic brain injury, and a lot of other stuff. Before he came to live with me reports stated he hit kids in the classroom, hit transport drivers, threw rocks, broke stuff. One time I was giving him a lecture about something and he was standing real close to me and his hand started to come up to slap me, but it went back down again. I've always praised him for that because I tell him that means he has more control over his impulses than he and everyone else thinks. However, he also knew that after his adoption, if he were to raise his hand to me, he'd have to deal with his dad (my husband). Sometimes my husband was off on business trips. I have enough big strong neighbors that would be willing to come scare the pants off him (so to speak). I don't know if you have anyone like that.

    The other thing I did was I went to the police station while my son was in school and talked to the police officer there. A lot of schools have resource officers who take an interest in troubled kids. Sometimes talking to friendly officers can be helpful for kids.

    After we got him, he didn't act out much at home, but he did at school during unstructured times like AppleCori is talking about. Once he was in a study group and he was messing around = goofing off = and the little girl running the group was getting madder and madder. My son didn't understand and ended up threatening to put her out of her misery. That got him sent to the office where the assistant principal threatened to call the police. When I came and heard that I told her idle threats are not motivating to kids with aspergers and she would have to follow through with her threat. Fortunately for us, the officer who came out was built like a football player and he'd used to be in the military with my husband. After talking to us parents privately about what was going on, he became all military drill sergeant, told him to stand up, turn around and he hand cuffed him, read him his rights, and told him what happens when people are verbally or physically threatened. When the officer was done, he uncuffed my son and told him it was a paper arrest and he was being sent home with us. My son was scared to death and very compliant for a long time.

    I agree with you that your son needs medications, however if he is able to control himself well enough at school not to show those behaviors, he is able to control himself at home much better than he is right now. In my opinion, he's hurting you because he knows you are scared of his outbursts. You need to take back the control, but you need help for that. Someone needs to tell him you are the Alpha in the house. You can call the police and meet them outside. Tell them you are in the process of getting him help, but it's taking a while to interpret the studies that are being done. All the officer(s) will do is talk to him.

    If you are in doubt whether it will work or not, just tell your son that if he hurts you, his sister, or breaks anything else, you are going to call the police. If he dares you, then you know you are being tested. If he's shocked and compliant, you know he has better control than what he's showing. If it makes him angrier, so be it. Pick up the phone and call.

    I've learned the hard way that many times children like ours don't get the proper help until the police become involved. Once you can tell the doctors, therapists, etc. that you have had to call the police about his behaviors, they will listen to you!
     
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  18. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am going to say this. IF YOU DO NOT MAKE A CHANGE YOU WILL REMAIN THE SAME!

    Everyone here has been giving you great advice. You have to take it. You have to call the police and video tape everything you can. You will not get support until you can show what is going on. There is no way that your child can keep going the way he is. Someone will get hurt. You have to protect yourself. You have to protect him from himself.

    I know that sounds harsh but life sometimes is harsh. We all want the best for you and your children. Unless there are some drastic changes you are going to continue to suffer. I am not saying to throw your child away. I am saying that taking away his TV and computer is not going to fix anything. Paying him for food that he left out and then blames you for will not fix anything. Picking up the phone and calling SS for help will help you start fixing things. Changing what you are doing will help fix things.

    It isnt easy and Lord knows it is painful but it is what has to be done.
     
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  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused...your son has mental health issues. You have to stop listening to Gmpa, Auntie, misguided friends, all these non-professionals. Your kids are FAR from spoiled. They hardly live a life of leisure. On top of not having that many material things, they don't have stability.

    My idea of a spoiled kid is one who is loved on maybe too much, gets whatever toy she wants and the house revolves around her. Your house revolves around grandpa, dad, aunt, sister and brother and your own self trying to keep up. They are NOT spoiled. Being spoiled can make a kid obnoxious, BUT NOT VIOLENT. In time your son WILL become violent to outsiders. dstc_99 is 100% right. Your grandpa, dad, kissing cousins, clueless friends and other people you listen to ARE WRONG. DEAD WRONG.

    medications and therapy will not alone help a child who acts out as much as your son. Forget it. My friend's son had all of that and the best care (father had money and good insurance) and he still did not get better. Your son is more than mentally ill in the way that it can be controlled with medication. I doubt the Concerta is helping him either. Who gives a violent kid speed? It isn't helping. Whoever is in charge of him is not helping you.

    I hope for a better life for you and one way to have one is to block out the voices surrounding you. They are really, really ignorant. They may be perfectly nice people, but they have not been through this and have NO idea what to do for your son or your situation or for you, and, remember, YOU MATTER TOO. I would stop confiding in them.

    Spoiled my backside. That riles me up. In what way can this child be spoiled? Why? Because you don't beat and abuse him?

    Some people have no idea wh at th ey are talkling about and are better just being a good listener a nd not saying anything at all. Your son and daughter are hardly the first priority and the core of your family...neither is spoiled. Yes, they both have mental illness, and that can be inherited. No, there is no easy fix...medications and therapy will not be enough. Doubt son will even comply with therapy and at a ridiculously early age, kids can refuse to take medication. I think it's fourteen.

    Please...stop listening to your family. They have no clue. Stop listening to this friend. Listen to professionals. Get help that is educated help. Don't even take OUR words for it. Get your son a psychiatrist and don't say there are none. Yes, there are. He needs one badly or he's going to end up in jail. And maybe in his teen years in juvie hall.
     
  20. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    AppleCori- When he is off his ADHD medications he barely does his work, picked up a little at school because of another kid reminding him to. H.W. yikes! We live with my dad and my grandpa lives near. Most of the time he picks on his sister. Things that trigger him really depends because what can bother him one day, wont bother him the next. He gets upset whenever and wherever he gets upset, doesn't matter where. Thank you

    Mominator- Im glad your son calmed down at that point and I know what your saying about him controlling it at school. Thats why I have been told its all my fault because he doesnt act this way at school. But, at the same time others here and a fellow student of mine said hes comfortable at home so he can let it all go, yes, like you all said testing me I guess as well. I read You all are right I cant say Im gonna do something and back out. Thank you

    dstc_99- I know, Im ordering the video recorder in the morning, Im gonna spend the extra money and overnight it. I mean I have 30second clips, some up two minutes but that doesnt cover it all.. from before trigger, during and after. Yes, I know, when hes in school I have a lot of places to go to. Thank you.

    Midwest-Well, yes they do have mental disabilities, but yes, they have been spoiled. Whenever they want something my grandpa gets it, and my dad tries. Christmas and Birthdays are outrageous. I dont know if letting them not be punished is spoiling its just stupid on my part tho. I do love my kids as does my dad. Thats a good point about the ADHD medications, but even when hes not on them hes bad. But your right, maybe even worse. I do think the Clonidine helps" relax him". I am looking for a psychiatrist, see every time I tell their Dr to refer me, they do but its always a counselor or someone who "cant" help certain issues. But yes, back to actually going in INSTEAD of calling tomorrow. I talked to son about him needing further help and he WILL be having weekly sessions with someone he can talk to etc a man or women and he said" can I have a male because they will understand about boy things" I was happy he said that so now I am going to find a good male psychiatrist.. 2morrow no matter! Thank you
     
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