Are any of you depressed?

[mamabear01]

I have felt down for so long. I look around at my house and just want to go back to my room. I walk out to feed my boys, but want to walk back into my room cuz I feel safe.

I have been diagnosis'd with an anxiety disorder (Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)) and I do have panic attacks (I throw up) and have adhd and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The panic attacks hit when I least expect it. I will be thinking of the school or whats happening and all of a sudden I am gagging and throw up.

My boys have AS and we have had a year of hell with the schools. So much that I had to get a lawyer. They have missed a year of school due to rages I couldn't control and I just can't take it anymore.

From reading here I have learned alot about ABA and Behavior modification and that has helped tremondously, but I am still so depressed.

I have tried Lexapro, Celexia and trazadone (had to stop due to restless leg syndrome), tried Zoloft (worked great but had alot of sweating issues making me feel very uncomfortable in 80 degree weather) tried Wellbrutin, worked great for the smoking but had horrible side affects, and prozac did nothing for me......

UGH.

I do get therapy with a doctor, but I am still so down.

I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else, but I am still so down. I just don't want to leave my room or the computer at times.

 

[mamabear01]

Oh forgot, I tried Strattera and I loved it (after getting thru several weeks of side affects) but once I did I was on track. But my problem was I couldn't afford the boys therapy and there medications and mine too.

UGH.

 

[Fran]

Depression is part of the process of dealing with challenging children. Some of us deal with the situational depression and some of us have depression that is chronic. It sounds like you have some of both.
If you weren't depressed because your children were raging enough to miss a year of school, I would be wondering why. You have every reason to feel down. You are working hard to parent your kids with not much chance to recharge your battery or much chance to get the positive that comes with raising a n/t child.
On the other hand, if you have thoughts of hurting someone or yourself then you have to get the help you need.
Talk to your doctor. Tell them about the problem of paying for medication that helps you. Sometimes they can give you samples or maybe direct you to a program that helps pay for medication.
How you feel today isn't going to be how you feel next week or next year. Give yourself a chance to get better. Give your kids a chance to grow up and do better.
Hugs. Call a friend, family member you trust, pastor, or even a hotline that will direct you to the proper help. You don't have to be in so much pain that your only alternative is more pain to you or those who love you.

 

[nvts]

Hey Mamabear! I'd be worried if I didn't get depressed now and again! Not for nothing (as we say around here!), this is NOT what we signed up for!

As far as your medications, contact the pharmaceutical company that make it. Most of them are willing to work with you if you can't afford the medications.

What medications are the boys taking? How old are they? Can you throw a signature on so we can keep track? My memory is shot (got all 3 IEP meetings tomorrow and I'm just about ready to jump! aaaagggghhh!). Believe it or not, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My 2 boys are aspies and my daughter is having the psychiatric part of the neuropsychologist mid-august. difficult child 1 was a rager! Three trips to the psychiatric er, 5 elementary schools, 4 preschools and 2 babysitters - lost a lucrative job after 15 years due to his and difficult child 2's antics.

Don't feel guilty about being human! Your boys are a wicked handful and expense - there's no fool on the planet that would be dancing around to "sunshine and lollipops" on a minute by minute basis.

The best you can do is being done. Clinical depression and panic attacks are no laughing matter and to attack life the way you have under your circumstances is admirable at the very least - you deserve so much more than a pat on the back (as well as a week in Bermuda - no bills!)!

We're here for you hon! Huge hugs! Make that call to the medications # and see what's what!

Let us know!
Beth

 

[Wiped Out]

First off some hugs for you. Like Fran said, with a year like you had it's no wonder you are depressed. I do get depressed at times and so does my husband. While raising difficult children it's hard not to get depressed. I do see a therapist and just started taking Fluoxetene (generic of Prozac) this past December. For me I knew it was time to start medications when every little thing made be angry. The thing that helps me the most though is exercising. I also have a great therapist. For me it works wonders.

Like Fran said, keep trying to get help. Do you like your therapist? If not find another. Get yourself the help you deserve. I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. Saying prayers you are feeling better soon and also that the boys have a better school year.

 

[DaisyFace]

Mamabear--

First of all, (((Hugs)))) to you....

Second, I think there is a mis-conception about "depression".....If you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to be un-necessarily down all the time, regardless of the circumstances, then an anti-depressant medication should be just the thing to help.

But you are going through some very depressing stuff. It's HARD dealing with these kids. Given the choice...I think ALL of us would rather hide somewhere else. These kids can push you beyond your limits, make you feel beaten down and useless sometimes, and even make you question your own sanity. You would not be human if you handled all of this with an easy smile.

So yes, in answer to your question, I often feel very depressed myself...and I sometimes wonder how things ended up this way. Certainly not the life I envisioned for myself...

I hope that you have some kind of outlet that allows you to refresh and re-charge.

It sounds like you could use a break...

--DaisyF

 

[Star*]

Nope, not me. Never depressed. Then the psychiatrist says "And how are YOU Mom?" and I paste on the face and say "ME? OH...I'm fine." and then the therapist says "HOw are YOU MOm?" and I paste on the face and say "ME? OH (insert little chuckle) I'm finnnnnneeee." and so went the masquerade and then the psychologist looked at the dark circles under my eyes, the hair falling out, the tired look, the age before my time, the mismatched clothes, the uncoordination, the digging in my purse, the frustration over not being able to find my date book, the snapping at Dude in the waiting room over messing up the books, standing on the chairs, leaping off the chairs, pooping his pants, yelling at me....and finally me saying in a hushed roar...SIT DOWN NOW....and said "Mom.....come on back here." then looked at Dude and said "You can stay out here." and put me on anxiety medications, antidepressants and told me that meetings alone were not enough.

So yeah - denying it and pretending that I could hold it ALL together like I was Super glue didn't do myself any favors. I have to tell you - I really loved Valium. I have no idea if the Beatles were the ones that called it Mothers little helper or not - but by the time I got done taking that? I had my entire house clean as a whistle, I was organized like 3 women from the church had taken over my home and every bit of my laundry was done, ironed and put away. My sons lunch was packed I had made meals for a week and then I took him to school, went to work and didn't sleep for about 2 days. Apparently it wasn't the right medicine for me - supposed to relax you. lol. Then I took Zoloft and it gave me idealizations of suicide. Wasn't that fun? I just planned it - not went through with it. Then I tried a Paxil and liked it but it too gave me the weirdest thoughts and when I tried to come off it? I ended up in the hospital for 2 days. So I quit everything. I ended up having a stroke due to the behaviors that my son did - things that I could NOT control no matter HOW much I detached.....and now a year later? Well .....let's just say it's been a really rough year again. We lost an adopted son (my son's best friend in Feb. in a horrific car accident) and my son is living in foster care and there has been not idealic conditions there - and I worry about that...and stuff just piles up, and you never know when you're going to walk into work despite your best attendence, job effort, and abilities and loose your job, and health issues of my own.....so I got back with my doctor and I'm now on Welbutrin - which seems to be working okay.

I mean - If I put my burdens up against someone elses - they would seem very very trivial. I wouldn't want to trade crosses (so to speak) with anyone, but you can't minimalize YOUR problems day to day because THEY are YOUR problems. YOU are the one that is dealing with them so they ARE big, and they are there and you are there and it's tough. I'm not talking about "Oh gosh darnit I can't get to the beauty parlor and I'll have to buy glue on nails and not go out to eat 3 times a week." I'm talking about the real grit of dealing with kids like yours, ours, mine.....and lady - I don't care how you slice it - it's tough - and even if they DO behave for a day or two - (if you are lucky enough for that break) you are in a perpetual state of WHEN IS IT GOING TO BUST LOOSE AGAIN AND SCARE ME??? SO you always are in a heightened state of awareness waiting for the damn to burst and mannnnnnn that takes it out of you even more so I think that dealing with the stuff you KNOW is in front of you and is really bad. So it IS non-stop anxiety.....

I recently had my cortisol levels tested (it's the stress hormone) and the levels are 0-22. Zero being below normal and 22 being high. Mine are so high it didn't register and they tested it three times. So if my hormones are out of whack and I don't feel well internally HOW can I be effective in parenting? Depressed? Oh that's not the half of it. Yes, I'm depressed. I'm whatever beyond depressed is....but I have a life to live and I have to be VERY aware that HOW I handle MYSELF when these situations arise is HOW my child will see how to handle HIMSELF when these sitiuations arise. I'm a mirror - for him. If I'm depressed and crawl in bed, and wish the world away when I'm blue I can't imagine telling him to be happy and not ugly when he's sad and blue. But....If I take my health seriously and get thee to a doctor and have some tests run and get on some medication and trial a new anti-depressant - and stay in therapy? Then I have a better chance of helping HIM by being an example because I set a standard.

I knew this time - when I cried for no reason walking in a grocery store going down the dog food aisle that i was depressed. So what? So go get help. There are a lot of SSRI's and other anti-depressants out there to try. If one class didn't work - try another. I'd start with a good physical and tell your doctor TODAY that you are depressed and that you LIVE with 2 kids that have AS - and let them know how tough your life is.

Hugs - welcome
STar

 

[AnnieO]

I go back and forth. Mostly I was just getting more and more down and finally I asked for help when I started having symptoms of perimenopause. Scared the poo right out of me! That, and the panic attacks were getting to the point where I was having trouble handling them.

My regular doctor is awesome, he put me on Lexapro. Now it won't work for everyone but even Onyxx doesn't argue about her medications now - she sees how I am on mine, and figures maybe, just maybe, if they're helping me - !

medications have come a long way. Used to be they made you too level, no sad, but no happy. Now - I can experience both - they're just not so danged extreme!!!

 

[goldenguru]

Depressed? Absolutely. Sometimes I can successfully keep it at bay - other times it consumes me.

When I was at my absolute worst (about 5 years ago), I would not leave my walk in closet. I sat under my clothes. Looking back - I was probably in need of the men in little white coats. I was seriously not healthy.

My encouragement to you is that is does get better. Not all the way better - but I did crawl out of my closet and back into some semblance of sane life. Keep trying the medications. FORCE yourself to do the stuff of life - even when you don't feel like it. And get some therapy for you - just for YOU.

Hugs.

 

[Nomad]

A few years back, I also was suffering with- a lot of depression. I had lots of baggage from childhood, but that didn't seem to weigh nearly as heavily upon me as frustrations with- our difficult child.

I did find that medication and therapy were very helpful. I also took time to look into other things...big and small that might help me feel better.

For example, to this day, I keep fresh flowers in the middle of my living room. It makes me feel good...so I just do it!

I agree, keep trying different medications and make sure you are seeing a t-doctor for talk therapy.

Look at this quote...
"I don't sing because I am happy. I am happy because I sing."

To me this means that happiness almost always requires ACTION.

Sure, it is tough when we are in the middle of a depression. The lethargy makes it hard to push through. Medication and therapy should help. But any push you can ...inch by inch...to do something...any little thing...toward your good health will pay off nicely in the end.

Some ideas....call a friend, read a magazine article, watch a funny TV show, take a little walk after dinner, etc.

One more thing...some vitamins/supplements are said to be safe and also help with depression. They include: Fish Oil, D3 and a B50 tablet (also called a B Complext tablet).


Wishing you well.

 

[ML]

I have struggled with depression on and off for as long as I can remember. It got bad with perimenopause which coincided with manster's first years of life. There's a reason why young people should have the kids lol. Anyway, now that I've made the crossing it's tons better and I have to say I think hormones played into it quite a lot.

Things that help me feel better are exercising and eating healthy. I also enjoy spending time with friends and so I try to make room for that. I just need time with my pals without husband and difficult child wanting a piece of me Otherwise I take it one day at a time and I pray a lot. It helps.

Take care,

ML

 

[svengandhi]

Yes, but it really has nothing to do with my children.

 

[flutterby]

Yes, but I've struggled with it since I was a kid. I take lexapro and lamictal (and synthetic progestin for endometriosis which actually plays a big part in helping with my depression). Lexapro was enough for a few years, but when my health went downhill - on top of difficult child problems and easy child was being a PITA and a half - it wasn't enough and I added lamictal.

CBT therapy with medications is the gold standard for treating depression.

The rest of the time? I practice my superhero invisibility power. I haven't gotten it yet, but I keep trying.

 

[mamabear01]

Hi,
I wanted to say I had to step away from the computer and this subject for a few days, but after today being the worst I came back to read everyone's responses.

Thank you all, I took wonderful peice's of information from every post and I will go back to my reg doctor and get on something else.

I spent the whole day in my room (besides going out and feeding the kids... luckily they found a new obsession and don't care if I am around.... one has found a new computer game and the other one I gave him broken electronics to take apart. Boy he loved it)

I did manage to get a couple of loads of dishes on and 2 loads of laundry. It's really piling up and we have to go out of town on thur. Were going to The Cruewfest Concert (husband and me, family is watching the boys) but I wish I was looking forward to going, or being with husband, just us two.... Normally after 15 yrs I look forward to a date with him, just us too, but I am really not looking forward to it, althou I am a die hard fan of Motely Crew and the other bands..... Maybe I will feel better when we go....

Anyway I love my doctor, he does cog behavior but the problem Is I can't afford to go every week as my boys go too and it's 40 bucks a co-pay.

Thank you for mentioning how I might get help for the copay's for medications tho, that might really help our financial situation, which isn't horrible, but will definetly help!

Thank you all again. I really needed to post about this

 

[Nomad]

So glad you posted. Mamma Bear, you might consider going to the doctor every other week, but go religiously. In addition, keep a pad to take to your appointments. On your pad, write down important questions and also write down notes. During the alternate weeks, read what you wrote. This way, you wont lose ground and you might find it helpful.

Additionally, you might go to the library and get some books on depression or self esteem. Perhaps ask the doctor if he knows of any that are good. I really like "Feel the fear and do it Anyway" There is one called "What you think of me is none of my business," that I think is great. (sorry...don't know the authors right this second).

Double check about the vitamins...Fish Oil, D3, and a B complex. A multi vitamin is probably a good idea.

Some exercise is almost always helpful. You could take a walk in the morning and another after dinner. I've known folks who have had help with- depression AND weight loss using this method. 10 mins. in the morning and another 10 mins. after dinner is a small investment for a big reward.

So glad that you went out with your husband...and so glad that you posted.

Sounds like you are on the right track.

Wishing you well.

 

[lizzie09]

Mama Bear

I send you best wishes....the responses here are more awesome than
I could imagine...

what a gift we have to be able to communicate with
like minded people about our problems

quote (STAR)


I mean - If I put my burdens up against someone elses - they would seem very very trivial. I wouldn't want to trade crosses (so to speak) with anyone, but you can't minimalize YOUR problems day to day because THEY are YOUR problems. YOU are the one that is dealing with them so they ARE big, and they are there and you are there and it's tough. I'm not talking about "Oh gosh darnit I can't get to the beauty parlor and I'll have to buy glue on nails and not go out to eat 3 times a week." I'm talking about the real grit of dealing with kids like yours, ours, mine.....and lady - I don't care how you slice it - it's tough - and even if they DO behave for a day or two - (if you are lucky enough for that break) you are in a perpetual state of WHEN IS IT GOING TO BUST LOOSE AGAIN AND SCARE ME??? SO you always are in a heightened state of awareness waiting for the damn to burst and mannnnnnn that takes it out of you even more so I think that dealing with the stuff you KNOW is in front of you and is really bad. So it IS non-stop anxiety.....

I think I will store this and read it VERY often....