Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sunshine2015, Sep 21, 2015.

  1. sunshine2015

    sunshine2015 New Member

    Hello: I have a daughter that just turned 24 yesterday. She is currently separated from her husband and they have a 3 yr old daughter. She has two tattoos, a tongue ring, and now a bar in her ear which she just had done Sat. She knows I hate all of them but yet continues. She moved out in Feb with a transgender girl that wants to become a guy which I cannot stand. She has the most beautiful daughter and I love her with all of my heart. Her husband has a g/f who is just pure white trash. I feel so sorry for my grand daughter but all my daughter and I do is argue. I cry constantly and do not know where to turn or what to do. Sometimes I just feel like taking my own life but I worry about the baby. Can anyone give me any suggestions? I appreciate it
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Hello @sunshine2015. Welcome to our community.

    I'm so sorry your daughter is making choices that worry you so much. It must be even more stressful thinking about how what your daughter is doing impacts your 3 year old granddaughter.

    I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I understand how stressed out you must be. I would feel the same way. Hang in there. Hopefully other members will come along soon to offer your their support.

    I'm going to move your post into the Parent Emeritus forum where parents discuss our children who are over 18.
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Sunshine2015

    It is tough, even more so with grandchildren involved.

    Taking your own life would not do anyone any good. It would deprive the world of what you have to offer as a unique individual.

    The grief of dealing with difficult adult children and their choices can be overwhelming and consuming. Please try to find some time to uplift and build yourself up.

    When I became so distraught and turned upside down from the turmoil, I sought counseling to help me sift through it. It was very enlightening and helpful.

    Please consider reaching out to a professional to guide you.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel and your life has much worth.

    Hugs and understanding.
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Sunshine

    First of all--don't take your own life!

    If you are ever considering suicide--call the Suicide Hotline! You may need to see a doctor or a councilor if you have depression or suicidal thoughts. They will be able to direct you to resources to help you.

    Second--I wouldn't talk to your daughter about her choice of a partner or how she presents herself in clothing or piercings. There is nothing you can do about it and it just leads to arguments that you can't win.

    Have you considered just seeing your granddaughter on your own when you can, without interacting with your daughter? Let her have some time away from the arguing and chaos and have some sweet and fun time with the two of you? That's what I would focus on.

    Please keep posting.

    It helps.

  5. sunshine2015

    sunshine2015 New Member

    Thank you all for the helpful comments.
  6. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    While it may seem very frustrating to us, the fact is that our adult children are, well, adults and that even when they are doing things we don't approve of, unless we are paying for their lifestyle, it really isn't any of our business. If she's getting tattos and piercings with her own money, there isn't much you can do about it and constantly telling her how much you hate her appearance is only going to make things worse and drive your depression deeper as your frustration grows with her not living her life the way you want her to. This is not worth ending your life over. Instead you need to practice acceptance. As they say, change the things you can and accept the things you can't change. This is the unfortunate truth with our troubled adult children. The situation IS bad, but we can't change them. The only thing we can change is ourselves and how we react to the situation.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Obviously, I agree with all the others, if you are even considering harming yourself, you need to seek counseling right away. I understand how stressful having your child going down the wrong path is...but YOU have to take care of YOU before anything else.

    I mean this in the nicest and most helpful way, you clearly don't agree with your daughter's lifestyle...but you need to remember it is her life and she is an adult. What you have mentioned have been your daughter's appearance and perhaps her relationships. But while those things might disappoint would prefer she do something different...they are not a danger to your granddaughter or to your daughter.

    Does your daughter work? Does she earn her own way and pay her own bills? Does she have a drug problem? Does she have mental health issues? Is she abusing or neglecting her daughter?

    You can't make her get rid of tattoos and piercings. You can't dictate who she lives with. You can focus on the good things...there must be some...and otherwise let her live her life.
  8. sunshine2015

    sunshine2015 New Member

  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Okay, well there is certainly no reason for your to support her at her age, though giving a child a hand if they are otherwise taking care of themselves is not a bad thing in and of itself.

    I guess, what I'm really saying is that you might disagree with her lifestyle and you are in no way obligated to support it. So if you feel that strongly about her piercings and she is spending money on them, why should you pay her rent so she has the ability to use other money on that in the future. What has happened is now in the past.

    In the long run, if she's not suffering from mental problems, addictions, hurting your grandchild or herself, try your best to focus on the best and ignore those things you dislike. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected, but she is an adult and her choices are her own.
  10. sunshine2015

    sunshine2015 New Member

    She is a very strong girl and she will do whatever she pleases. I am no longer going to help her in any way financially. We are also paying her car insurance but her dad wants to continue because he knows she can't pay it and will go without which is wrong. She doesn't ever have her daughter's immunizations up to date because her ex does not believe in God! I;m so upset I could write a book but you get the jest of my concerns. Thank you
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome here.
    Do you remember being young and thinking how old fashion your possibly racist and living-in-the-past your grandparents and maybe even parents were? I do.

    The world changes and I am f ortunate enough to change with the change. Our young adult k ids DO NOT think it is bad to be either have same sex relationships and transgender is also accepted. I have a 19 year old daughter from heaven itself...she is so sweet...but she really gets upset if somebody says gays and transgenders are sick or sinners or anything of the like. And she's one of the best kids out there and wants to be in criminal justice (a cop). None of my adult kids think that is a big deal. The girls in particular support it. Also, tatooes are very "in." I know older people who get them. What YOU agree with about your daughter chooses to do with her appearance is really in the none-of-your-business category. These things you are upset with are pretty common and accepted now in the under 50 crowd. My 40 year old boss showed us a new tatoo on her calve yesterday and plans to get more.

    You change with the times or you don't and get upset, but time doesn't go backward.

    I would never even talk to her about the piercings or tatooes and she has every right tok date a transgender person. It won't help her or you if you try to argue values. She is growing up in a different era and her world is different from yours, like it or not. HOWEVER, you don't have to support her. She is an adult. You don't have to let her live in your house.

    I would probably cut out the fighting. It does no good. Just stand your ground.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This doesn't make a lot of sense to me since I don't know what God has to do with vaccines. But either way, since they're no longer living together...she should get the child's immunizations up to date. I might suggest that to her, gently, when she's in a good mood. Not in a way that criticizes her parenting, but more like, "You know, I saw a commercial that said Whooping Cough is on the rise! How scary! Now that Bozo isn't around, have you considered updating Granddaughter's shots? It would be terrible for her to get it."

    Full disclosure: I have two. Got my first on my 40th birthday. My "I'm not an old lady darnit!" present to myself. I got my second with a friend several years later. They are small and easily covered with clothing...most people don't know I have them.

    So...I suppose that I could be a bit liberal about body modifications...but even my own Mother-in-Law, who is anything BUT liberal, rolls her eyes and tries her best not to say anything to her kids and grandkids, other than the occasional, "Oh my goodness, why would you do that!" and a clucked tongue.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I learned to respect that every generation changes. I imagine OUR great great grandparents were horrified at television.

    "It will ruin the world and our children." I'm sure the parents of the day thought so.

    Interracial marriage was seen as a horror in MY teens and banned in many states. I dated a black guy, and did not tell my parents because they would have had a fit (and my parents didn't even really care about me). When he and I went out to eat, they sat us in the back. That's what happened back then. Many old folks in those days said segregation would come back and that interracial marriage would never happen. Just like I really didn't believe gay marriage would happen, due to our conservative country and the strong role religion still has (although that is also changing.

    Less kids seem to be religious and more spiritual). But legal gay marriage it did happen. And I'm not one w ho talks about the horrors of cell phones, texting, piercings, hair coloring for boys, tattoos or any fashion. I accept with no problem gays and transgenders as people who are just born differently, like being left-handed (remember when they tried to make lefthanders write righthanded?) Now nobody has to agree with me, but it is easier to accept the changing world or you can turn angry and bitter, especially when your own adult children do embrace it over our older views. We didn't exactly dress to please our grandparents and parents either, did we? And many of us had views that varied from our older generation family of origin. Arguing went on then too.

    Jumper has two tatooes. One says "Family is Everything." The other says "Never Give Up Your Dreams." I don't think they will stop her from becoming a cop. She has never been in trouble in her life. Princess had piercings all over her face, but decided to let most grow together. She has a beautiful dove tatoo on her upper back. She can cover it if she likes. Any shirt will cover it, but it's there. My son had a pierced ear, but he also decided to let it grow together. No tatooes. I don't get why some parents care so much about current fashion, although I respect everyone's right to have an opinion. And we all have a right to feel as we do.

    I don't expect my grown kids to have my exact values. They are growing up at a different time. I did not share my grandparent's values as some of them were very racist and outdated (only have sex when married went out the window when I was a teen, although I DID wait...the first time) and...I ended up adopting kids of all colors. I think it is best not to fight our changing times. The young control that. We all had our day an d we did make changes and now it's their turn.

    Just my opinion ;)
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2015
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You go, Lil, lolol. I think that's awesome!!!!
  15. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I have tattoos too, Lil. One in my butt from a drunken night in Chicago about 35 years ago, way before tattoos were in..fortunately easily hidden and few people know about it. The second one was planned, I got it as a 50th birthday present to myself, and it is a two inch wide 'bracelet' that has my 4 childrens' formal names intertwined with a flowering vine. I love it, and rarely choose to hide it.
    My significant other and my two older children have tattoos too.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Sunshine and welcome to the forum.

    First I so understand how you feel when your precious child goes off the rails. It's so hard to deal with, even from our own perspectives, because of the guilt and shame and where-did-I-go-wrong? That is so natural for all of us as parents. I don't have any grandchildren, but I can see how you would worry about your daughter's lifestyle and how that might affect your granddaughter.

    How do we deal with emotions like these? I used to be the world's biggest worrier, about all kinds of things. I would worry about things that were way in the future and had little chance of ever happening.

    That was a trait I had all my life, until about the past 10 years, as I went through my own divorce, and started learning about acceptance, and then my son's drug addiction, where I learned even more. I had to, to preserve my own sanity and find some peace somehow.

    It's really hard. It's hard to accept things we don't like and don't agree with and can't understand, especially when it's our own kids, who we raised and influenced. It's like they are rejecting us and all we stand for.

    My mother, who is 83 and a very direct talker, told the four grandkids that if any of them ever got a tattoo, she was writing them out of the will. She was kidding a little bit but not much. My Difficult Child of course, has multiple tattoos, and he tried to keep them secret from her and from me for a long time. After all the things he ended up doing, tattoos were the least of my concerns, which is what I told him once I found out about them. I'm not big on tattoos (I know I'm an old fogey), but hey, I understand they are the norm now and not just part of the "parking lot crowd" like they were when I was in high school. And again, that turned out to be the least of my concerns after my son went to jail multiple times, was homeless, was using drugs, was stealing from people.

    But for some, like you, tattoos may be a symbol of things changing and her rejecting the life you wanted for her. I see that, and I understand that you're afraid for your daughter and her child.

    Fear is a huge burden many of us carry around for years. I did. I was terrified of "what might happen" in so many situations and with so many people that I love, because I didn't want to feel the pain of it.

    Over the years, I have learned about feeling pain and allowing my feelings to flood over me, realizing that they won't kill me, and then letting them go. Feelings aren't facts. But they are real. Those two sentences were puzzling to me for a long, long time. Understanding how are feelings shouldn't determine our actions is a huge thing to grasp and learn, and there is a lot of help out there, from therapy and groups like Al-Anon and other organizations, to help us let go of things we can't control. Like our adult kids.

    Sunshine, I read in your post that you have so much fear and worry about your daughter and her choices, and then, about your grandchild. I am glad you are stopping the flow of money. Keep it simple for yourself: a grown woman who is an adult and who has a child shouldn't be getting money from her parents. Plain and simple. It's not about anything else but that.

    It can be so interesting when we stop the flow of money, which is one of the first steps I took in my road to stopping enabling my son. It's interesting what they will do, which is often to get really really mad and push back on us hard.

    In time, I hope you can even stop the car insurance payment, but I understand why you are doing it.

    We have to learn to completely let go of our adult children, the functional ones and the not-functional ones. I have two sons and I have had to let go of both of them---the Super Achiever and the Difficult Child.

    It takes time and work, and it is so worth it, because on the other side is peace and serenity and relief and contentment like you never dreamed of.

    I hope you will immediately get some professional help if you are suicidal and depressed. Medication and therapy may be a great first step for you, if that is the case. Then, you can go on to read and study and learn about a life of acceptance, a life of living with uncertainty, when you are ready.

    We will be here for you through it all, with understanding and care and support. We get it, and we care here.

    Warm hugs this morning.
  17. sunshine2015

    sunshine2015 New Member

    God bless you, thank you for the uplifting information. I hope and pray that she realizes her life can be so much better but she will have to find out on her own
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Sunshine,

    Have you read the article on Detachment at the top of this forum?

    It is really hard to know when to help and when to back off and let the young adult work it out for themselves. Many times our help actually has the effect of not allowing our kids to grow up. We all struggle with this.

    Stay with us.