Arrested and Suspended, All in One Day. Smh...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Sierra, Mar 26, 2013.

  1. Sierra

    Sierra New Member

    Today was a rough day for my family. I had court first thing this morning to defend the full-custody rights I have for my two children, and when I walk out of the court room (successful) my husband is sitting on the bench waiting for me....with his son, 12, next to him. :sigh:

    Turns out when he told us he was at his PARENT-APPROVED friend's house the day before, he was not. He was hanging out with a boy we had SPECIFICALLY forbade him to see EVER. This boy sold him a bag of marijuana, and what does he do with it? BRINGS IT TO SCHOOL! :wellduh:

    He got arrested, and suspended from school for 5 days. Now we have to go get him fingerprinted, and his mugshot taken, and he has to go to court. OMG.

    I think the worst part of all this is I blame his mother. She is a substance abuser who spent 2 years in jail after dropping the boys off on her parents' doorstep (literally). Then she got out of jail this past fall and promptly relapsed, violated probation, and jumped bail. Now she is on the run with a warrant out for her arrest. With a mother like this - OF COURSE HER SON IS ******! What is the message this woman is sending to her boys after two YEARS of saying, "I'm going to change for you"? Well, from here it sounds a whole lot like, "You aren't worth changing for". So I can only IMAGINE what it sounds like from my stepson's point of view!!!!

    *husband and I have been sporadically looking into therapy centers and such for him, but now I think we have no choice but to make a firm decision on one in order to get help for him. He resists all counseling attempts, lies, steals, is deeply disrespectful to his father, and gets deplorable grades (he is looking at staying back in 6th grade this year). He is going to be 13 in July, and it is more like dealing with a 5 year old, than anything. :badmood:

    We need to nip this B**S** in the bud before it spirals out of control. husband and I both come from long lines of subtance abuse and we have VOWED this will not happen to any of our kids! :nono:
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Sierra. I missed your post about the custody issue but have a lot of experience with the substance abuse issue. It is much better to deal with this now when he is a minor than when he is considered an adult and you have very little control over what he does. I don;t know what the courts there will do with a 12 year old but I strongly suggest you work with the prosecutor and get him inot some treatment program. I come from a long line of alcoholics and so does my daughter that we adopted and I understand the strong hereditary factor that comes into play here.

    I hope you can find a program that will both address his drug issues and also provide the kind of education and structure and character buiding values that he needs to become a successful adult.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending big hugs your way. I have no idea how Department of Juvenile Justice works in your community but it's "likely" they will want to have him do community service and perhaps some outpatient counseling. Chances are fairly high that they will limit their intervention AND their monetary investment due to his age and the economy. If he is already in counseling they may provide supplemental help. Truth be told I suggest that you and husband make sure you are in total agreement on every consequence and action. Sadly I also suggest you start reviewing your financial status for further help. Alot of us have been there done that and alot of us have ended up darn near broke trying to solve similar problems. I am so sorry that you are joining the SA club. DDD

    PS: Congrats on your Court success.
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I agree with Nancy that it is better to deal with this at his age than at an older age. My difficult child was older but still a teen. At his age, he had more rights than we did. We couldn't force him into taking medications which he needed. He could sign himself out of the hospital. We actually had to go the route of having him arrested in order to get him courted ordered to get help. It's terrible to have to have a son arrested a couple of times in order to get him the help needed. Our mental health system is so lacking. I hope you find a rehab that will instill the tools to keep him substance free.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Can you remind us of this 12 year old's background? What were his early years like, in particular? And any dxes?

    Part of the reason for asking is that if there is any layer of attachment disorder involved (it's a whole range, not just the extreme), then the approach to solving the problem may be quite different.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The problem with "I saw it so it will never happen to my kids" is that the sensitivity to drugs and alcohol which causes the abuse is very heredetary. I have repeatedly told my two youngest kids, who were both adopted and had substance abuse heavily in their genepools, that maybe other kids can "experiment" with drinking and drugs, but that if they do it is likely to become a habit they can't stop. So far, so good. I did have an older child who started using at twelve, which I thought and still think is very young and she just went on to try more and more stuff. We thought it was only pot for the longest time because she was busted twice only for pot (they put her on probation but didn't offer anything else). She is also adopted and I'll bet I'd see a long line of substance abuse in her family tree, however we have no access to that information because she was adopted from overseas. I wish we had found out that Daughter was smoking pot at twelve, but we didn't know until she was busted, about two years later.

    I don't know what t he answer is. I'm kind of down on rehabs and treatment plans because I don't see that they work very often, at least not on this forum. But being that he is so young, I'd certainly do everything I could plus take this very seriously and try to keep a close eye on wherever he goes and whoever he associates with. Maybe he is young enough to stop. I think a counselor who deals with drug users may be the best thing. My daughter had a few counselors who actually SYMPATHIZED with her drug use. One told her that we needed to trust her more (after she lied to us about everything). Another one told her pot is no big deal, it should be legal anyway. Be careful. Pot is maybe not a big deal to some people, but to others it's like cancer.

    I wish you luck. Congrats on your custody win!
  7. Sierra

    Sierra New Member

    His very early years were rough. He was with his mother, and she left them with their grandparents. Then my now-husband found out and worked his :censored2: off to get custody of them both - which he did. Since the boys were 3 and 7, they have lived FT with my husband. I have been in their life since they were 5 and 9. They have two awesome grandparent (their maternal GP ironically) who have ALWAYS been there, and support not only us, but them.
  8. Sierra

    Sierra New Member

    Thanks everyone, for your replies. I have drawn on my own experiences with substance abuse in this whole ordeal.
    My mother was a SEVERE drug addict (cocaine and heroin) and a severe alcoholic for many years (she quit when I was about 11). She went so far as to lose her RN license in both VT and NH because she was stealing medications from the patients.
    My father is an un-medicated bipolar man with rage issues. He grows his own marijuana, and drinks so severely he blacks out long before he passes out. He is also incredibly incredibly abusive.
    I ran away from my father at 13 and my mother at 14. I asked the VT foster system to take me, but they said they couldn't help. So I asked my grandmother to get guardianship of me. She did. At 17 I met the man who would become my first husband and father of my two bio kids. He was a pothead and alcoholic, and though I didn't know it at the time, had a long and severe history with drugs. (cocaine to LCD to crack and everything in between). He turned abusive. I chose to be homeless rather than allow my children to continue to see their mother raped and beaten by their father.

    Throughout all of this INSANITY, one would think I would turn to drinking or drugs to "cope". Wouldn't it be easier to faze out? Just feel nothing? HELL YEA! But the fact of the matter is: The point of life is to be able to find a way to cope with life’s hardships using only YOURSELF. Only your mind, your emotion, your own strength and the strength of the loved ones you surround yourself with.

    This is the lesson I have learned growing up as the child/wife of SERIOUS drug addicts who will NEVER stop using. This is the lesson I will pass on to our children. I will fight like a mama bear to get Blake out of the trouble he has put himself into. However, I will also never let him forget where his actions brought him and how his selfishness affected our family. Some may find me “harsh”. I find myself to be “realistic”. Blake is at a crossroads; one way lies the life his mother chose, the other way lies the life he says he wants. We can show him the roads, and explain what lies over the horizon of each, but only HE can decide the road to follow, and only he can make the right choices.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Was he always difficult? I am wondering if his chaos in his early years caused any attachment problems? That would be another complication. Attachment disordered kids tend to do "bad" things without remorse and are sometimes mean to animals, have potty problems, and can be fascinated with fire too. They do lie, steal, and disrespect people and can be abusive too because they don't have any interest in the feelings of other people. This is sort of like t he child learning in his infancy that nobody else is going to care for him so he's going to take care of #1 and only #1 and it tends to become a way of life. Can happen at a very young age too and is hard to treat, but there are special therapists who work with unattached kids.

    Just wondering. He had a terrible first few years...
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Welcome Sierra.... I feel for you and your family. It is very rough to be dealing with a kid who is starting to abuse substances at such a young age. I have been there. I totally understand your committment and drive to make sure this addiction stuff does not happen to any of your kids, especially this son who is already struggling. And yes given his age you should do everything you can to help him now. What worries me a little bit for you is that ultimately you dont have control over which way he goes and you may not be able to prevent him from becoming an addict. That is also a sad truth. There are lots of us on this board whose kids came from good families without the kinds of issues your dhs son has faced who are now dealing with addiction. I know from the time since my son was 14 I like you have been driven to save him.... and ultimately I was not able to do so. Now at 21 he is at a place that is helping him but he has also been through a lot and I think really wants the help in a new way...but we have been going through this for almost 10 years.

    One thing to think about also is the role of shame.... I dont think shaming the addict really works. So yes you want him to take repsonsibility for his actions and the effects those actions have on the family but I am not sure emphasizing that to him will really do anything but make himself feel worse about himself and so feel more of a need to numb those feelings by using. At least that is my experience with my son.