Attachment

[Malika]

It's becoming clear to me - I won't go into all the ins and outs as to why this light has dawned on me - that a large part of J's oppositionality and perhaps, who knows, other difficulties have their roots in his insecure attachment to me and to his adoptive father. It explains to me, for the first time really, why there is the existence of two Js, so very, radically different - one sweet, innocent, chattering and funny, six years old in all its delightfulness and the other truly like an adolescent with (bad) attitude, obnoxious, constantly needing control, mouthy, loud, manipulative, far older than his years and really unpleasant to be with. The co-existence of these two selves in one little body is really strange - I had the former with me all day yesterday and the latter suddenly jumped out of the woodwork at lunchtime today, for no reason other than that he did not like the lunch I had prepared...
To be brief about this, I'm feeling like I've overlooked a whole vital trail and been going down a whole lot of false ones. That's okay... I couldn't see until I saw. But now... I have looked up attachment therapists. The problem is barely recognised in France and there are surprise, surprise, no such therapists in my area. I could get into internet research about it but I REALLY don't want to cobble something together, make stabs in the dark, make things worse with ignorance again. If anyone who knows about attachment disorder and/or therapy would like to PM me, I would be really grateful.
I am feeling bad... it's so obvious now, and I know all the reasons why.

 

[BusynMember]

Where was he his first three months of life?

Don't feel bad. Most therapists in the US know little about attachment problems too. It's hard to get proper treatment for that.

 

[DDD]

Malika you can do a search or advanced search on the Board and it will pull up multiple postings. I feel fortunate that I have not dealt with this issue but it has been really on my mind this month with all the Russian children bound for the USA. The perspective parents never seem to be adequately informed prior to adoption and absolutely are inadequately supported once the problems surface....particularly those children who are adopted at older ages. Personally I would doubt that J has too great an attachment problem because he was adopted at three months. Those months are very important for sure but the children who are adopted at five, six and beyond are in for a difficult life. Hugs DDD

 

[Malika]

Yes, I understand your perspective but... it is NOT just what happened before his first three months of life, though that must also play a significant part. He was in an institutional creche, often left to cry for long periods alone, like all the babies.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Malika - search this forum for posts by Buddy, about "attach-china", and about "insecure attachment".
There's several good ones - including definitions and links.

 

[Malika]

Yes, I know, thanks... Sorry to be awkward, but this is why I asked people to PM me - I have some specific questions and don't want just to do an internet stab in the dark thing. Perhaps I had better send a message to Buddy

 

[HopeRemains]

I have recently been looking for attachment therapists, too, although have stopped for the moment because I have other things on my mind. There is one place that I found that I was going to call to get some info. Even if they could give me some advice or information, that is where I was going to start. Maybe calling an actual institution like this may provide you with info to start you out? I'm not sure how helpful they are, as I have not been able to get ahold of them yet. Just in case you are interested:

The Attachment and Trauma Center of NE: http://atcnebraska.com/

 

[DammitJanet]

You can also get books downloaded that you can read. I dont know the exact titles but I have seen them on the board many times. I have wondered about this several times when you post. Also, attachment issues dont have to come just from adoption, they can come from the fact that a child was in the hospital a lot in his first year of life or if the mother was in the hospital a lot or even if the mother and child have a lot of confusion going on in their early years. Sometimes the parent/child personality is just iffy and the attachment isnt there. I think that is bit of an issue with my older son and me due to the constant disruption of my mom in our lives.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, I understand your perspective but... it is NOT just what happened before his first three months of life, though that must also play a significant part. He was in an institutional creche, often left to cry for long periods alone, like all the babies.

If he was in an orphanage there is a good chance he could have some attachment issues. Because you got him out of there early and I am sure nurtured and hugged him and loved him, it does not seem so bad as other adopted children who had to wait longer. Maybe this IS the answer to J. He seems very treatable, whatever his problems are!

 

[Malika]

Unfortunately, it is not so simple, MWM. Circumstances in J's life after he came to us - or rather the circumstances of the grown ups' lives that affected him - and my own relationship with him are just as much in play. It is something that needs to be taken seriously. I feel like I've had a bit of a light on the road to Damascus dawning.

 

[InsaneCdn]

But, while the whole background is probably complex... in no sense is J going to be a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid. He's not that extreme. It's going to be more like insecure attachment.

And for the record... insecure attachment is easier to work with, has better outcomes... and is NOT only caused by neglect/abuse in the first three years of life. Insecure attachment can occur later, too... when experiences come into play that disrupt the normal parent-child relationship development (and it isn't all to do with parenting, either!)

Of course... if the primary behavior driver is insecure attachment... there are no medications for that. Which means you are correct in being careful about medications...

 

[buddy]

So strange, I have been reading and re-reading things I used to focus on more (it goes in cycles in my mind) and just happened to be going on sites a little more lately too. Sometimes there are some really good ideas for how to respond to situations that are so counter-intuitive and really work for Q that I go back when he is at a different developmental stage and look for more ideas.

It is true that many attachment behaviors can very much look like adhd. Kids with attachment or ptsd histories have an altered brain chemistry and there are medications that some say can help but obviously not cure...but that target the theoretical specific issues that happen with kids who had to scream for hours with no comfort those first months or years. And for sure just a few months can be a cause but it actually can start during the pregnancy if the mother has plans to not keep the baby anyway. (so they say...different chemicals, different level of care and nutrition, etc....)

To understand how treatment can be effective, it is helpful to understand brain chemistry. The type of sensory deprivation, neglect and other traumatic events that institutionalized children experience affect the brain's development and may cause dysfunctions such as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and PTSD, primarily by increasing stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. Designed to respond to psychological or physical danger, these hormones prepare the body for fight or flight. By prolonged or repeated exposure to trauma (neglect and/or abuse) the child learns that the world is an unsafe place, and the brain remembers this even after the being placed in a loving, safe home. Research suggests that these experiences can also cause imbalances in the brain chemicals serotonin and noradrenalin in genetically susceptible people.
Noradrenaline, the brain's alarm hormone, acts as an emotional accelerator. Traumatic experiences will reset the brain's chemistry so that the child is in a constant state of readiness to respond to any threat - with a racing heart, high blood pressure, easy startle response and instantaneous explosive behavior. Research indicates that high levels of noradrenaline are the chemical signature of PTSD.
Normal levels of serotonin produce feelings of peace, well-being and clear thinking. It is the brakes to the noradrenaline accelerator. If levels are too low, a child may appear overly aggressive, impulsive or depressed. If levels are too high, the brain can be stopped cold, afraid to do anything - like a deer frozen in automobile headlights. In humans, this is linked to the fearfulness and rigidity seen in obsessive-compulsive behavior. Parents provide a safeguard against low serotonin when they comfort infants, tend to their needs, and control inappropriate behaviors by setting limits.
Brain chemistry which is only 5 to 10 percent off normal can result in a wide variety of mental problems. The idea behind the newest mood stabilizer medications such as serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, is that they seem to restore a normal balance to the brain's chemistry.
Chocolate, cookies, and other foods high in carbohydrates will raise serotonin levels. When depressed people binge on these foods they are basically self-medicating. Brain levels of serotonin can also be increased by eating foods rich in tryptophan such as turkey, chicken, salmon, beef, peanut butter, green peas, brewer's yeast, potatoes, and milk.
Dr. Bruce Perry showed that medication which lowered noradrenaline in children with PTSD dramatically reduced their aggressive behavior. Other therapists are attempting to lower noradrenaline by increasing feelings of security through therapy and increased attachments to parents. Even children born with predispositions for high noradrenaline levels and fearful responses should remain clam in stressful situations if they are with a parent they trust. If the child does not feel secure with his caretaker, noradrenaline and hyperactivity go up. This explains why some adopted children do not remain calm in stressful situations, even when they are with their parents: they do not yet trust their parents.

And we always say traditional therapy doesn't work..... easy explanation...

The reason these therapies don't work for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is that they all depend on a relationship of trust between the child and therapist and/or child and parent. A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is by definition a child without trust. His or her primary goal needs to be learning to trust his or her parents first, not a therapist. It is imperative that parents be included in the therapy sessions, which is not usually the case in the below mentioned therapies.
Play Therapy involves the child and therapist using puppets, drawing, games, and play-acting to resolve problems.
Sand Tray Therapy is a method used to assess the psychological well-being of children and adults by analyzing how they express themselves through the manipulation of objects in small, tabletop sandboxes (or trays). Sand Tray participants are invited to create a miniature world by arranging toy people, animals, and other items in the sandtray. It relies on the child to work out the trauma herself. But a child who has never had a view of the world which included safety, trust and adults meeting her needs will not know how to achieve that goal on her own.
Talk Therapy involves helping the child to face the memory, and talk through the various upsetting parts. This is used more with older children and teen-agers. However, children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) are experts at manipulating therapists by "giving them what they want" and becoming the ideal patient.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy uses small rewards or successes as motivators to replace negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with more useful ones, in a systematic, stepwise manner. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children tend to see these rewards as another way to trick their parents and prove how stupid adults are.

just random things I have been reading...not specifically talking about J here.....

It never hurts to look at attachment when working on things anyway. Our kids do have a higher risk, and as normal people, we live through situations that given their already fragile attachment, can compound things.

There are crazies out there suggesting drastic things, but I bet many of the things that are on the internet (if you can't find any support there) can at least help give ideas of what to do. I think you do some of them already. I really did do exclusively time in instead of time out with Q. I would not let him escape interaction with me (unless he needed a nap, lol). that was not always fun. (I mean when little, now things are different and I have accepted our level of attachment knowing we are bonded to a degree, he is certainly not an unattached child, but I still celebrate little things like his wanting me to hold his hand for a blood test etc...things he didn't do when little)

 

[SuZir]

Malika, one thing you may want to look at is theraplay. I don't know how available it is in France, but the only family I know with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids (not that J is that) did lot of it also at home, not only with therapist and I'm sure there are also books. And what I know about the type of things they did, they are so, that they can't really do damage either (basically much of it was playing with the kid in certain specific ways.)

This family I know adopted their kids (siblings) from Russia when they were six and four and they had quite a lot of issues. Their older one is same age as my easy child and he is doing well now. Younger one has more problems, but they are more likely Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/being drug exposed uring the pregnancy related. She has severe ADHD, learning disabilities etc.

I recently talked about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) with their mother because it comes up here so often. She said theraplay was helpful for them and so was certain parenting method they were taught to use. It was extremely sensitive and emphatic and understanding way to parent and was quite hard for parents. But for them it worked well. But she said it was very difficult to be understanding and nice and to use very positive and emphatic methods when kids did some very infuriating stuff like peeing and pooping where ever, hiding food and then it starting to smell, purposely braking things etc. And it took a long time. She said that it was close to two years kids were willing to hide only food that wouldn't rotten (even when she kept some of their favourite non-rottening snacks always available to be taken and hidden and they also had a lunch box in their rooms for rottening foods they had taken and which they together took all the old food away weekly) and many more years before they stopped it all together. So it really was a long process, but these kids were also quite damaged and experienced lots of very bad stuff.

 

[buddy]

Theraplay is what I did with q! It was great. Took two therapists (one video tapes etc. When doing the office part). The home activities are exactly what I was thinking could help. Also have Steve Gutenberg s site which has many books with step by step activities for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) attachment ideas. He will email you! He wrote me often because I used his ideas at home and work.

 

[BusynMember]

Malika, I think you are bright and insightful and I trust you. Good luck on your journey. We have your back

 

[Ktllc]

Malika,
I send you many hugs. I will be no help on this specific question. All I can tell you: thing will click a lot better when you find the real reason(s) behind J's behavior.
If it feels right in your gut and explains things in yours and J's life, then it probably is the right path.
Answers come to us in many ways and we have to trust our intuition, inner-voice, spiritual strength.
I wish you good luck in your search.