BiPolar (BP)/ADHD Daughter pregnant again and soon homeless At 18

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Dandj425, Mar 27, 2011.

  1. Dandj425

    Dandj425 New Member

    Ok I am new here but have had years of hell behind me with this child. She is supersweet but UGH! Her BiPolar (BP) led her to premature promiscuity which led to a baby at 16. Fine, we helped her but then her mental condition finally hit the floor, was hospitalized a few times, we took baby into temp custody etc. They finally diagnosis her BiPolar (BP)/ADHD(hey I tried to tell people there was a problem!) when granbaby was 2 mos old and my daughter started the rollercoaster of medications. Well, life was not working well, at her last court date for temp custody of aug last year I turned custody of granbaby over to the other granma which included my daughter too. I just could NOT DO IT ANYMORE!
    So now to today, my daughter got custody back and still lives with them. She is not stable and he is trash, I got many reasons for saying this! She is now pregnant again(just turned 18 in Nov) and thinks it is so great, and do I want a granson this time?!
    Problem, his mom's apt lease ends June 30. She is ****** they are expecting again and says they are out. Well, my daughter and babydaddy have a great plan to move into the local Super * motel shelter and get Section 8, which they think will be very quick.
    AAGGGGHHHH! I am not talking to them right now cuz they said they can take care of their business and to butt out, but hey can I take granbaby to go out? I said I would take back custody of granbaby for them while they figured out housing and the pregnancy. Well, no they of course said with a few extra words thrown in. Babydaddy will be 18 in July.
    So I have 3 younger children with issues who have watched this older sister do all this. But I feel guilty as hell letting my granbaby go through my daughter's **** and live in a shelter! But then she does have another on the way and as my mom said is she just gonna be a baby factory? Will she keep making them and me take them in? Do I just let her and her children fall together?
    I need like pages to vent all this but mostly a sympathetic ear. Friends and family have no idea and say I should just take the granbaby now. I already had DSS here 2x because of her teen counselors who said we neglected or verbally abused her. I am tired from those battles. And don't want to put my 3 younger through it again.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know. You have some pretty young children that will be affected by having her in their lives or even her baby.

    Where is the other grandma going to live?
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say welcome...and I'm sorry for the position you are in. Although my daughter was older she had three children by three different men. The first we chalked up as a mistake and let her and the baby stay at our home where we jointly parented. Then...along came number two a few years later and we stuck to our word having said "we will not have another baby to raise in our home if you choose to have irresponsible sex." The first baby has lived with us for over twenty years and we think of him as "ours"...even though via circumstances he has difficult child traits that have been heartbreaking. The second has lived with us on and off for probably seven years. Then she had a third baby. We finally drew the line and have never accepted any resonsibility for her tho she has needed support.

    The point of sharing this info is to say that irresponsible parenting does not often end with one baby. The committment you make (and that choice is entirely yours, of course) will alter your life and the lives of your children. It takes a bunch of soul searching to find your comfort level and then stick to it. Try to disengage from your daughter's dramatic choices and make a decision that you are comfortable with and will stick with. Whatever you do, you have found a great place. Welcome.DDD
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I have no experience in this area, but many fine people on this forum do. Welcome. You'll find a lot of help and support here.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Welcome to the board! Sounds like you have already been through so much and have three children in your house that by your own admission have suffered enough. I know that there will be some hard decisions to make in the future for your daughter and her child, and not to sound hard or cold, but with three other children at home that haven't even had their chance at a future? I think my efforts would be for them at this time. Not because you don't have love for your first Grandchild or a possible second. You tried it before, it was and is ridiculously hard even with the best of supports in place - and things didn't go well.

    I feel the best thing for you and the three children you have at home would be for them to get into therapy to deal with the fallout that your daughter has left you with, and continue with that path towards mental wellness. These kids put an enormous burden on our hearts, our minds and our other children who normally don't say much - they just fail. Sometimes it's very helpful to have someone to talk to that can work with them and help them with their anger about the situation and in turn help you with your anger. Heck who wouldn't be angry? I'd be spittin nails. (mostly at baby daddy and the health dept for NOT putting in a NORPLANT) duh.

    I'm so sorry ya'll are suffering this - but I think the more difficult your babymachine sees that dealing with actually HAVING to deal with her kids is? The less likely she is to keep putting em out. (one could hope) The more you step in to save them? The easier she sees things - If DSS or CSP gets called - maybe by the time it would ever get to that point? You would be in a better place.

    Talk to HoundDog and Janet - here - they are going through VERY similar things and are trying to tough love it now - and have very good opposing views of what happens when. Maybe you'll get a good idea of life as you see it - would be

    Hugs and welcome -
    ps - as far as the therapy? It's free at the county mental health center - I oughta know - many many years...until I got insurance. lol.

    (but I have WONDERFUL son) a wonderful - he's fantastic.......yeah :mobile1:
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    The biggest clue as to what you should do is the fact that your younger kids have suffered enough. Think of them, just think of them. Although I'm not in your situation, the decisions I made regarding my difficult child was really influenced by the fact that I had other children to raise, children that didn't deserve to be exposed to such horrors on a daily basis. Now, 5 years later, they're all great friends and we have a good relationship. But, he can never live here.

    It is a really big commitment to raise a child. And she only just turned 18, how many children will you need to raise before you say, "No more?" Of course you love them and don't want precious babies, your grandchildren, to be put in harms way. (((HUGS))) I understand. Don't feel guilty. Don't listen to other people's opinions, they don't know. They don't even know.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and welcome! I am sorry you are dealing with this, but happy to meet you.

    In this life we fill many roles, some our choice and some not. We also have to prioritize these roles and how we handle them. right now you are wearing the hats of mom, gma, and wife (many more but those are the ones I am concentrating on) and trying to figure out how not to have your own breakdown from the stress. While youare also in the role of Dawn, I suspect that it has been ignored for a long time.

    It is time to sit and look at those roles and really think.

    If you don't put Dawn first in many ways, it will take a huge toll on you. Many of us have acquired very serious problems - including heart attacks and strokes at very young ages) - because we just had too much stress and too much pressure and we didn't care for ourselves. Cliche as it is, you truly do have to put your own oxygen mask on first, then the kids' masks or no one ahs a chance in a plane crash. Right now you are in that crash.

    You are actually wearing 4 mom hats - one for each kid. You chose to have these kids and to love them and be responsible for them. I am positive that you are a great mom and that your difficult child's problems are HERS and NOT YOURS. Youdidn't cause them, you cannot take them away, and you cannot fix them. difficult child had every advantage and chose to use none of them for the best.

    You are not just her mom. You are the mom for the other kids too. What would you do if a total stranger came and treated your family the way your daughter is? Would you invite her, her boyfriend, and her kids to live with you? Or would you protect your other children from this influence/threat/chaos/dysfunction? I am betting a stranger wouldn't get past the door if they had treated you the way your difficult child has, and not even on the PROPERTY if the person treated your children the way difficult child has/does.

    You also have a spouse. The two of you need to be on the same page with this. United to insist on whatever is right for the FAMILY. Not for difficult child, for the family. difficult children are hugely stressful and their parents NEED both indiv and marriage therapy to make it through. At least the ones I know have truly benefited from this. even husband and I did.

    You are difficult child's mom. Always will be. Right now what she wants and needs are very different and she is dead set on doing whatever will upset/distress you. Add the other problems (is BiPolar (BP) borderline personality disorder or bipolar? We have members with either or both, but it can be helpful to know which one so we can help you understand it better) and it is one mell of a hess with your difficult child.

    Realistically there is nothing at all that you can make her do except not be on your property or in your face or hurting the kids. I would make sure the locks got changed so she couldn't come in when you were not home, and I would work on getting every family member to lock the doors even if they are home.

    You are so close to your grandchild, or were, and I know you love her. I don't know what is right for the babies, but I do know that you and your husband need to work this out together. Neither of youshould even discuss this with anyone except each other and a therapist.

    Much as it hurts, you have to put some hats on and not others. Personally, a time came when I had to put my other kids in front of my difficult child. It tore me apart in so many ways, but I could not sacrifice my other children, my marriage and myself on the altar of my child's gfgness. Even if i could, I wouldn't. Not only would he not have been likely to care (or notice), but it would be sending an extremely unhealthy message to him.

    I think that I would choose my self, wife, and parent of other 3 kids on a more important level than difficult child. She would be on my lowest level until she truly was willing to WORK for treatment and a better life. Otherwise Iwould have to have minimal contact that ended with the first disrepectful, ugly, or rude thing that she did. Hang up, escort her out, call 911 if she won't leave.

    I have no grands, so others can advise on that issue. I do know that if I took them in my home it would be with full custody, limited supervised visits (supervised by someone else - NOT you, husband or another family member), and I would be SURE to ask DSS for assistance with financial support, and with paying for therapy for ALL of you - even difficult child if she wanted to go. I would NOT allow difficult child on the property with-o a witness to her actions that is not a family member.

    This is too hard and totally unfair to everyone involved. These are just my ideas and thoughts, and if they help that is great - otherwise ignore them.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the family. :D

    It stinks to high hades when there are innocent grandchildren involved. I speak from many many years of experience in that dept. :sigh:

    Your mother has a very good point about the worry that if you take your grandchild will difficult child then develop into a baby factory, with you left holding the bag as far as being the one who is responsible for them. It's something I've though long and hard about for a very long time. I've went back and forth on it so much I should have a severe case of whiplash. Why? Because the children involved are innocent and we do love them so much that it is terribly painful to know they're living the lives they're living.

    I have 31 yr old Katie (difficult child). We've been sort of doing this with her for more than a decade.....the whole jobless, homeless, neglected children....abuse thing. I did try to have them removed from her custody when the two oldest grands were babies. Then she skipped state and I didn't hear from her for 6 plus yrs. Now they're back and the story is the same only add a child. I just am truly grateful after the last one she had her tubes tied. We are currently waiting to see if she's feeding us a pack of lies or if she's got the kids once again on the street. If the latter is the case cps will be called in, children will be removed soon as they're found. But this time I won't offer to take them unless my mouth overruns my head at the last second. I love them but after living that lifestyle all their lives those kids have got some serious issues on top of reg gfgdom which is fairly bad. I'm not young anymore.....and I have my own health issues to deal with as well. Breaks my heart to think of them entering the system, but at this point pretty much anything is better than the life they have with their "parents". (2 overgrown children without a clue)

    Then I have youngest daughter Nichole who had Aubrey at 16........and who found in her daughter the motivation to take her medications, do her treatment plan, change her behavior, and grow up and find stability. Exact opposite of her eldest sister. Of course she's still a difficult child.....she still has some growing and maturing to do but she's got her feet firmly set on the right path. If she stumbles and falls, she tries to learn from it and move forward. It wasn't a bed of roses getting there but at least she made the effort. And as her mom I know the next stumble could come at any time......that risk is always there. It's the trying that makes the difference.

    Section 8 housing there is usually a waiting list depending on where you live. We have waiting lists but they're usually not long as we're fairly rural and the turn over rate is high. Katie and M have made a career living off their kids via welfare and govt programs ect as well as the charity of others. Now that they've used up most of that and are at an age when people look at them like Excuse me? You should Know what You need to Do. And people don't want to it's bad, really bad.

    But bottom line, all you can do is what you can do and what you can live with. The biggest problem with taking on the grandchild is that you continue to have to deal with the difficult child parents. Which is also one of the reasons husband and I are not very willing to take in the grands at this stage.

    ((((hugs)))) I'm glad you found us.
  9. Dandj425

    Dandj425 New Member

    Thank you All,
    I got a call from my sister today, she was asking if I heard from my daughter cuz our mom usually checks in on her, and she is not answering past few days. I told her not since this weekend when daughter called trying to say sorry again and I was ignoring the call. Told my sister too to tell our butting in mother to stop and leave me out of it. I dunno. My mom is the one who pushed before christmas to help get granbaby out of there. I took in daughter and granbaby on one of her fast whims-babydaddy is aweful I gotta get out of here-
    Two days later, a few days before christma, she says she is going back there. My mom is upset by all this and I take on some of that guilt. But I plan on saving this thread for personal reinforcement. Thank you, and yes Hound Dog ->

    "It stinks to high hades when there are innocent grandchildren involved."

    Some one on these boards mentioned a book Boundaries . Was it a christian based book by Cloud/Townsend? My mom picked up this book used for me and as I read it... I need to keep reading!