Thanks, wow! Such wonderful feedback. Update: I have a very good friend who is adopted and searched and she is wonderful with kids (she's a school aide for behavior disordered kids and they love her.) I called her and she talked to N. privately about her anger, her feelings, how SHE had felt, why it's best to wait "until everyone is ready" and came up with stuff only an adopted person could think of. My daughter came out of there in tears, but not angry tears. She likes my friend. I think it helped her. She had great suggestions, such as journaling questions that she would like to ask B. (her birthmother) one day and putting down her feelings of anger or anything else.
I know her birthparents and went through the pregnancy with birthmom. The idea was to have an open adoption, but both of her birthparents let her down so badly that I stopped it. Her birthmother had been engaged about a year after N. was born and she promised N. she could be the flower girl in the wedding. N. was very excited. She'd asked about it, but B. didn't call. Finally, I called her. There was music in the background and kids talking and another men (not her fiance) answered the phone. She got on and told me she'd broken up with her fiance. She hadn't told N. about it. I took that as a big red flag that she was not mature enough to have contact with N. N. was devestated that she hadn't told her. Her birthfather was also in contact with her, but he had substance abuse issues and had been in jail. His family, however, is neat. He promised to throw her a huge Chuck E. Cheese birthday party and she again got all excited, looking forward to it. It never happened and he got a DUI and ended up back in legal trouble. He wrote to her from jail and we kept the letters for later, but he also seemed like a poor candidate to enhance her childhood. And nobody else in his family returned our invitations to visit N.
Years have gone by and I tried to contact B. just to give her an update, but I don't k now how to find her. My guess is she got married and I don't know her last name. I know where she lives (or lived) and shouldn't have any trouble finding her when N. turns 18. She is a good person with custody of N.'s half-brother, and I definitely want N. to know her brother. But I feel she is at too of an emotional age to start up again. What if the birthmother is still unreliable? I wouldn't mind writing to her to give her updates, but I don't think it's time for them to see one another again.
As for me feeling threatened, that's just me being a ditz...lol. N. and I have a very strong bond. We are very close. N. is going to want to meet B. again, and I'm going to have to be brave and cheerful about it and it's probably going to go much smoother for all of us than my vile imagination says.
I don't think this has anything to do with the son who has disappeared on us. He came at age six and was never that bonded to us. I think it is worse for me in N's case because we are so close. I saw her birth and was the first to hold her and it's been uphill ever since. So I don't want to lose her to another mother! Yet none of us, even biol. parents, own our kids. I have one biol. son.
I always refer to myself and her dad as dad and mom and her birthparents as birthmother and birthfather. That's why when she said REAL REAL mother it threw me a little, but she was upset and I knew what she meant--she meant mother who gave birth to me (birthmother).
Keep it coming. I love your feedback. You are such wise parents and I learn so much from all of you. Bless you all.