Hi everyone,
Sorry internet was down this a.m. and yesterday was a zoo here between christmas tree decorating, baking with all the kids.....
Anyway i took the time just now to read everyone's responses. I appreciate everyone taking the time to share their own experiences with me in regards to either your kids or your past. That's why I love this place so much and everyone here is amazing!!!
So, a little background on easy child, what she has been taught, what her past mistakes are etc.
easy child started messing up in school in 7th grade, by 8th was nicely "removed" from an accelerated program for gifted students due to her lack of effort and focus. She become overwhelmed by friends and social life and that was her only concern. We then moved 70 miles away to where we are now so that she could go to a school that offered an acceptable cirriculum that she could handle, an nice neighborhood, etc. move was all for easy child. difficult child took a huge huge hit. We all know how difficult child's dont' deal well wtih change.........
Way I see it we were family of 3 and when one of us needs something we bend like a rubberband and we do for that family member. Before we moved she lied repeatedly over things, would lie about her whereabouts always had me guessing and wondering and nervous at work where was she really, etc. if nanny had difficult child down by beach and left easy child unattended. She's done the stealing the credit card thing at 13, tons of lies, etc.
I have always punished, taken away, at times took door off hinges to her room. I do whatever is necessary to enforce the rules, to try to teach her right from wrong. All the while telling how very much I adore her and always will and she can always come to me and I'll fight for her with school problems if she's in the right, ill always be there for her no matter how she tortures me lol. So, NO i do not shut her off or shut her down. I list the rules/expectations/consequences than give her a hug and say ok let's try this again.
Sex ed came in early for her, as soon as 13 hit the lies began I said ok more than just the birds and bees talk we had at 11 and 12 time to get graphic and so i did. I taught her about self respect, the importance of respecting and loving yourself, etc. first and foremost. When you love yourself first the rest falls into place.
Since 13 it's been a rough ride. I always flip flopped my attention the best I could, with difficult child's increasing needs and problems. I always found the time for a cup of tea after a long day and gfgness with easy child. etc. i kept it real, i kept it as balanced as a full time working mom could. Sure i've made my mistakes we all have, maybe some have contributed to this, maybe some havent. Yet I did the best I could for the time in which I did it. I take full responsiblity for whatever mistakes i may of made to contribute to this, yet it's not about that now. Now it's about getting her on an acceptable path at least.
So, what i have come to learn is ............easy child manipulates, will "play" with my emotions, give the hugs or let me hug her lol, play it up with school like it's all good when it's not, talk to me and say certain "key" things to indicate she gets it. Even in regards to friends and making sure she tells me exactly "enough" and withholds the rest, shows certain attitude towards other friends behaviors to indicate wow i can't belive they'd do that, etc. Leaving me to believe wow this kid really gets it. yea ok lol.
She has gotten drunk repeatedly this year yup on my watch and thru the manipulation she is sooo good at it went unnoticed, once it was quite random drug and alcohol tests are run (twice so far) unknown to her we told her it was physical she truly believed it. Countless team meetings at school to help "get her going, on the right track" etc. it's too endless to list it all.
Yet here is what i've come to learn easy child has been messing around for a while it seems to what extent I do not know. And boy did i monitor, the boyfriend she had would call the mom never allow her there with-o the mom present, same by me. Made sure to meet the parents, the boy, etc. Now will they have sex at this age, sure I'm not dillussional. I didn't, yet that was due to my past i went the other way sex happened later for me. Yet truth be told the lies and maniuplation surrounding her choices are what's making me ill at this point. Ok also what she did the other night. She demeaned herself.
Here we are now at almost 16, it wasn't just sex she had by the way. What she did demeaned herself and could lead to serious depressive issues i've looked up in herself, etc. I got a blow by blow breakdown in her texts that night from her girlfriends with whom were talking as though they were hookers on a street quite honestly (i have since contacted those mom's to let them know what's up). Alot of the parents here i've found so far as soo wrapped up in their own lives, their new cars, their coach bags and "girls night out" they are dillussional to what their little girls are doing. They love me, last time i was the one who enlighted "hello their getting drunk" lets communicate better as mom's to keep track on what their doing, where their getting alcohol from, etc."
So, now I wont' live like a prisoner in my home, I am not rejecting her in anyway, I am stating fact and what it is I am willing to live with or not live with. easy child now has officially crossed the line and there is one thing I know, if she has done it once she will do it again. She is so smart and cunning and i think i have spent years in denial about my own kid. I thought difficult child was the only one who i was in denail about boy was i wrong lol.
I am not going to panick wondering uh oh im running late from work, is her boyfriend there, what are they doing. On the weekends that difficult child goes to dad's and easy child stays home 'm not going to be in lock down mode and not be able to spend an afternoon with a friend having lunch, or go grocery shopping in fear this boy will be here. I simply will not do it. Is she my daughter, do I adore her so much, Yes to both. Yet I am not willing to live on edge due to her lack of common sense with her choices.
He is infactuated with her, he writes her 3 love letters a day, i have supported this relationship which also upsets me. I know the whole "dont' see him anymore" will make her gravitate to him quicker. With that being said how do i now live my life?? How do I contain her??? Just pop her on the pill and this way i know if she remembers to take it I wont' be raising her baby?? That's just not good enough.
She's going down a bad path and I feel it's up to me as her mom to push her the right way right nwo. Obviously the speeches on self worth, life, love respect and working together. boyfriend and I standing there monday and wednesday nite working together to get dinner out, set a table, balancing our time with 5 kids, etc. shows her nothing. so, i'm out of speechs, contracts that don't work, door removals that go unnoticed, punishments that do not matter, therapy that never works.
Her response I'Tourette's Syndrome my life I'll live it how i see fit. OH, ok not in my home you will not. So, i'm only checking out the schools. we probably can't afford it to be honest. difficult child's illness i'm still paying off and dodging creditors for so easy child now 30k a year to get her into an all girls school hmm i'm not sure. We can't talk to the parents because wow tha'Tourette's Syndrome a whole situation there, and talking to her boyfriend will do absolutely nothing. I tried that two weeks ago when she showed up with hickies all over her.
Will sending her to boarding school stop her need for sex, or the other stuff she's doing? no i'm sure it won't. Yet maybe a controlled environment one in which does not offer the temptation and "play" time that this one does because i now have a job and boyfriend works alot and so does dad where he lives, maybe just maybe taht will make her redirect her focus onto what she needs to focus on herself, school, who she is, who she wants to be.
anyway sorry so long. The choice i think i make right now, how i handle this will largely impact her future years my gut says. This is more than ok typical kid stuff. This has been going on for years now and it's just getting worse. ARe there drugs involved, I do not know to be quite honest. I test her randomly yet who knows. Doesn't seem it, yet she got drunk and got past me............