Boundaries

[AmericanGirl]

I'm learning a lot about taking care of me now difficult child is home.

Am on phone so I apologize for no caps, etc.

last Thursday, i woke up and checked alarm report. difficult child brought car home at 1 (it has a curfew). Then he came back at 2. Then my doors opened and closed off and on until 615. difficult child had to be at work at 10.

Two issues...driving with little sleep and having ppl over in the middle of the night.

deep breath. Call sponsor. Talk to difficult child. He said Ben came and they played Xbox. Ben forgot phone charger. They went to get. Ben smoked on deck. Makes sense. Plus I woke him up and he had little time to create lie.

new rules. Cars curfew is 12. I put alarm on then. difficult child doesn't have code. If difficult child wants to sleep here, then he better be home by then. Alarm is off when I arise.

if difficult child wants to take car next day, difficult child must have slept beforehand. That decision is mine alone.

difficult child is unaware I can check cell records plus FB messages on my phone will let me know how long it has been since he was active.

he tried to push me into caving the first two nights. Didn't work.

he has stayed at bens apt. since this happened. Comes over during the afternoon and evening. They just met so I figure soon Ben will tire of driving him home and feeding him, etc.

ive learned that sometimes this stuff gives me the chance to take better care of me. I like this system better. At 12, when I know car is here and alarm is on, I'm safe. I need and deserve that. Sure, I wish difficult child was in bed but that's not my call. I do believe he is playing videos at this guys house. All the facts line up. But...if he isn't, then the consequences are his. If he has car, then I can be sued, etc.

may sound selfish but it is self protecting.

he did quit job last week at my request. Was driving 35 miles for a 2.5 hour shift. He was unhappy and frustrated. Not worth the cash. Has looked for something close but nothing yet. He's better when he is employed because he has such lousy self esteem he needs to have something to identify with.

detachment is an ongoing process. But it is easier when they aren't around as much.

 

[Kathy813]

AG, I understand. However, even when they are far away it is still hard to stick to boundaries. My difficult child completed residential successfully but now that she is out she is back to her old manipulative behaviors. So far, we are holding the line thanks to our family therapist and my personal therapist.

It is so hard, though, when she throws things at us like saying she will stop going to IOP or taking her medications if we don't pay for the things that she wants us to pay for. She has a part-time job and we had an agreement when she left residential that we would pay for the rent at the half-way house and her health insurance premium and she would take care of everything else.

She wasn't out of residential for even one hour when she was texting me saying she needed money.

Our family therapist even said that the therapy team had been discussing how good my difficult child was at manipulation. Isn't that just great? Makes a mother proud . . .

~Kathy

 

[exhausted]

They are amazing at getting to us. If that energy and determination were aimed at getting well.....can you imagine? The one boundary we can enforce is curfew.
if they want their bed, they had better be home by our times. We lock early on our work days and weekends vary with her job. We never give her rides for anything
but work. She has to get herself to the doctor as well. This has cut down on a ton of fights. She has been resourceful at getting where she wants. Last night she didnt
come home....came in this morning pretty wiped because she missed curfew and ended up trying to sleep in friends car.....ha what a lesson. Glad her friend has
parents who wont let her stay there either. I was worried, but it was her choice. Hope you boy wears out his welcome at new friends soon and hope he finds a job.
Jobs are at least respite for us!

 

[Calamity Jane]

I like the way you think, AG.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Thanks all.

It's still hard to watch. He's unhappy (who would be?) and irritable. He only comes here long enough to shower and work on two incompletes from last spring when he went to rehab. His deadline is next week and he still has about 1/3 of a term's work to do. So, he is feeling the pressure. Plus he has been out of work a week tomorrow so I'm sure he is running out of cash. When the gas runs out, the car stays here.

difficult child doesn't plan for things like delays in that first paycheck, etc. So, even when the classes are over, he will still be under the gun a while. Plus I have a call into his therapist to ask if he signed a release and to give her some background. He sees her Wed.

he saw the shrink last week. He continued his antidepressant plus the Neurotin (sp?) the rehab put him on. I know difficult child isn't taking that 4 times a day. doctor also put him on Straterra for ADHD. He starts that tomorrow.

Bottom line is...I don't think he is heavily drinking, etc. He has made progress in some ways, like stopping smoking but still has a ways to go. At the same time, I keep righting up when I see places that need it. I'm also expecting more without saying a word, like I don't ask for his laundry nor do I do it. I am not his maid.

i feel a rumble of another bump coming. He doesn't want to live within my rules. He just bragged about them going for snacks in the middle of the night. He is trying to unnerve me. Problem is....I don't care and comments like that only make me realize how irresponsible and lazy he is.

*I know he is MUCH better when working. Just hope he finds one thing soon.

 

[Karenvm]

AG, you have commented on my posts, and I see from reading yours how similar our situations are. About the only thing I can control right now is curfew... at least until I can't, meaning he just won't come home (has never happened yet, but I'm sure it will at some point). The doors will lock at 12.
The alarm report! I thought I was the only parent that checked that!!! I look to see which windows have been opened and when (tells me he is smoking pot in his room), doors open, etc. difficult child is primarily the reason we GOT the alarm, as we had discovered he was sneaking out at night. Imagine- having to get an alarm not just to keep unwanted people OUT, but to keep your own kids IN!!! CRAZY!

I think you really have a great mindset, and I am right there with you!

 

[AmericanGirl]

Karen,

I know how you feel. I've lived in this house forever without an alarm. I only got it because of difficult child.

My sponsor suggested I turn on the door chimes. He said it is a subtle reminder to difficult child of the alarm. Lol difficult child HATES the chimes. That means I'm on the right path.

my difficult child doesn't have a curfew either. Frankly, I'm not fighting that battle. I am trying to worry about...control...what really matters. Me. My animals. My home. My vehicles.

Thank God for technology!

 

[buddy]

You all amaze me. I learn so much about making hard choices and moving forward from you. I keep you guys with kids who are fighting this battle close to my heart.

Keep up the good fight.....hugs