mog -
Hi ya kiddo. Well I'm not sure that I had triplets and gave one to you - or even how that is possible since Dude is 20, Cory (Dammit Janets son is 24) and wait - Mstangs son is 18 - so that makes me having self-sabotaging Quads...(thinks for a moment about the maternal math) - exhales....
Any way -----Here's something I do know about because of Dude being in and out of so, so, so many Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and grouphomes, psychiatric hospitals..et al.
THEY (our kids) no matter what age WILL self-sabotage. Is it personal? No. Do they do it consciously? NO. Does it just happen because they get anxious and worked up about a visit? (shrug) Do they do it on purpose to NOT see us? Not likely.
Is this one of the basket B things that just happens? More than likely.
Do we understand it as parents? OH h no. I mean here we are all excited to plan to have an 18th birthday with our kid who has the sole responsibiltiy of getting his proverbial mess together whilst every other 18 year old we are sick, sick, sick to death ad nauseaum of hearing about is working on their Senior projeck, getting a drivers license, has a job, picking out a college, going to school, getting an apartment - and what is OUR lucky little man doing? Jerking around at 'emotional growth boarding school' so badly that he can't even get a home visit. - Have you ran and sat in your bathroom with a pillow over your face yet and screamed? - G'head. Oh the shear frustration of just GET IT RIGHT FOR ONCE WILL YOU YA DUNDERHEAD - I MEAN HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS HAVE YOU MESSED UP AND NOW THIS????? (ahem) compose yourself mog - snicker. I sooooo get this. Makes you want to go out and kick a tree, rip all the leaves off it, drop to the ground and pull out clumps of grass and toss them while screaming at God - WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS....(ahem) compose yourself Star - someone get the smelling salts.
So back to you - (snort) Seriously - at this point? You might have to try to find this level of detachment that allows you to start seeing your son as someone who is NOT going to 'get it' for at least another 5-8 years. Thinking long term can help aleviate these pressures of HE MUST GET IT BEFORE HIS TOUR IS UP AT THE Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Because - it won't be. Not even near. So stop thinking it will. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is basically there to help him get stable and give you a break. If he does ANYTHING above and beyond that? Good on him - in the mean time if he messes up and blows passes? Here's my thoughts - because this is where I had to put myself or go crazy. or have another stroke - (give or take)
Either I went to visit him because I wanted to or I didn't go. I STOPPED going because HE wanted me to. After he was 17 - well actually after he was 16 - and he left for that group home from hades - I just stopped going to visit. Christmas, BD, Thanksgiving one year was miserable - They had no food. But it didn't kill him. Made him appreciate LOTS of things. Made him THINK about the times I ;we did have it nice here at home.
I stopped going BECAUSE he had good behavior/bad behavior. ONLY because at that point in my son's life I had to because I KNEW if I kept going to visit regardless of his behavior - it (in my mind) almost MADE him seem like he had a mental disorder that was NEVER going to be helped. It somehow to me made me think it would NEVER get better for HIM - if I kept going. So I drew a line and only went when I wanted to go. I just pretended like I had a son that lived out of town (which he did), and I didn't get to see him much (which was true), and made our visits non-gift giving. The only gift given was my presence not PRESENTS. My visits became more and more rare. once about every three months - and for me? it worked - killed me at first.....but we did talk on the phone once a week - IF HE CALLED ME. If not? Oh well. I gave him the choice to grow up. He never NOT knew I didn't love him. I did write once a week. Short card - signed love mom.
the visits every 3 months were good ones - always. Never fought, never had words - we always went out to eat, then came back. If he needed personal items? He got those - nothing else. No Christmas presents, no birthday - nothing like that. Just what he needed. Christmas card. he said he grew up more that year than any other. He wasn't sure about a lot of things in his life - but he knew we loved him and he had made a mess out of a lot of things. He continued to make a mess out of things when he came home - but by then I had gotten so used to him not being around? It didn't hurt as bad to say "FIND YOUR OWN PLACE." and he did. The only reason we took him in at all was it was cold, the shelters were all closed and living in the park was not an option for me or DF. However if you ask us if we would pick our home or the park again? Suitcases would be sitting by the pond.
I don't envy you this journey - it's difficult and not one for sissies. I send you MY personal rhino skin suit. - The baby blue one with the rhinestones.
Hugs and Love
Star