Sue, I'm so sorry...and Yes, I hate it too.
I'm gonna try and be honest about myself to share how I feel about mental illness.
As a child, I threw horrible tantrums. I bit others, I hit my head against walls...the "rages" were seen by my mother as early as 2 years old. This in a child who my mother also said could be the sweetest little girl on earth.
By the time I was 9 I had killed my own hamster. Why? Because alone I had gotten enraged by the fact that I didn't have a dad...kid's at school turned and looked at me and said "You don't have a dad"? when the class was talking about what their dad's did etc. It was all emotionally based. I never told my mom that I killed my own pet...it was hard for me to live with but I had thrown that lil guy when "angry".
And yet...I was also the little girl who felt compassion for others pain. How could I be this Jekyl and Hyde?
I was often the little girl who's teachers said, "She has such GREAT potential if only she would use it". I was artistic, both in drawing and writing. I could dive into a subject matter and not let it go until the answers were clear and resolved in my own mind. I asked BIG questions and wanted to know the "why" of things that others my age didn't seem to concern themselves with.
I would be the one to stop on the highway at 16 and rescue a pregnant dog injured by a car. I would be the one who would give food and speak kindly to a homeless person. I would be the one you could talk to if you felt like the world was against you...and yet, I was also the one who could get enraged if emotionally "slighted" or if I felt wronged and I would have the sharpest edged tongue around. And people would back away from me.
How could this loving, kind-hearted young lady have such a cruel edged sharp tongue.
Eventually, I learned to back away from people BEFORE I said something hurtful...I would just go off alone and feel the world was against me. Sad, rejected and lonely...that was much of my young life. And always always feeling like I let everyone down...especially because of the "she's got so much potential" comments. I just didn't fullfill it.
My mother became emotinally distant from me...I don't think she knew what to do with me. I dropped out of school in my senior year because I had said something to a guest speaker in one of my classes that caused all the other students to turn and look at me in horror. My teacher was very upset with me...I had judged a young lady who had given her child up for adoption. I had spoke in such a way that caused others to strongly dislike me, etc. Again, emotionally charged situation...but I became ashamed of myself and did not want to stay in school because of my shame.
That same year, I tried to kill myself...I had met my "dad" and he was a letdown. And my mother had said once when I was angry as a child..."you are acting just like your dad did"...something to that effect. I felt like my worst attributes were his fault.
There was always this conflict and loss of self esteem. It was easy for me to hate myself...and to hate the world around me and yet, I so desperately wanted to love and be loved.
Having a mood disorder like Bipolar 2 means for me, having a gun pointed at my head...telling me I am in a race for my life everyday. Telling me to go go go as fast as you can, get as many things done as you can, don't stop til you drop and try and be perfect. It also means unreasonable emotional outbursts...I call it the addrenaline bomb, now. It is that rage that sense of what I can't control, an injustice, that emotionally triggers a powerful internal explosion.
In some ways, I'm grateful for finally going into the psychosis feb 7, 2007. It hospitalized me and caused me to get on Bipolar medications for the first time.
No more isolating in my bedroom from the family battles, no more deep powerful anger at things I can't control, no more "running away"...from myself, no more manic race.
Now...especially after considering this post, Sue...I am seeing my young difficult child once again in myself. And, I wonder how much of his Bipolar Issues are to blame for the young adult he is today. Kicked out of the army for sub abuse, drinks all the time, doesn't seem to want a relationship with the son, my grandbaby that he just met a month or so ago.
How much of his life will he feel defeated at every turn, misunderstood, like a failure and a letdown, isolated and lonely because of all the people his sharp tongue and unreasonable reactions, frighten away.
What else has mental illness cost me? A relationship with G-d. It used to be strong but after the psychotic episode...I question G-d. How could he give me this cruel mental state? At one point in history I would have been stoned to death or burned at the stake for being thought of as "demon possessed". And, before modern medicine, they would have just locked me up alone in a room for life.
Thank you for this post...I may have to make more of a point to somehow someway try and encourage young difficult child to get help for Bipolar in himself. I am reminded that the cost is so very very high...sadly, I would not do it for me until I was forced to because of the psychosis.
It is a horrible disease of the mind. So much self forgiveness and healing must be done in addition to the medications. And, no...the world does not have to understand. I am deeply saddend everytime I hear of another potential pyschotic person who has done the unthinkable and is being locked up in prison for life. I've been there...I was not homocidal or suicidal but could have incidently killed myself or someone else based on what was happening inside my delusional mind while in a psychotic state.
My hope, by sharing this with all of you, is not to frighten you away...It is scary and lonely having bipolar. You are the best and the brightest of people and yet you are to be feared and isolated. It is such a horrible conflict.
And of course the mothers of children with mental illness...truly love them, love their best nature, love the soul that lives underneath the easily emotionally disturbed, conflicted child.
I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand the torment, both in myself and what I suspect is in my young difficult child too.
It just causes so many secondary consequences...I did not even get into my own abuse of alcohol for years or the klonopin I was addicted to for a year just a couple years ago. I ran away, or tried to mask it, and now my young difficult child drinks like a fish too. He could very well be running...I think he's afraid of himself. I think he is afraid to be a dad too.
And now, lil Joey may miss out on having a father because of this illness.
It just goes on and on...It is so very sad.
Yes, I hate it. I really do.
Hugs.
Tammy