Allan-Matlem
Active Member
From the clinicians blog - http://thinkkids.org
Can Plan B be a trigger?
6/20/2007
We get asked this question from time to time by parents with whom we work. Thats because sometimes when families start trying to collaborate proactively with their child (what we call Proactive Plan B) they find that just bringing up a problem triggers their child. In other words, they start off using the first step of Proactive Plan B (the empathy step) and quickly find they have to do what we call Emergency Plan B because their child is rapidly escalating before their eyes. Other times, their child might simply shut down and not participate in Plan B. Either way, if this happens with a family you are helping, they might ask you this question, Can Plan B itself be a trigger? The answer of course is yes. Sometimes simply starting Plan B by making an observation about a problem can agitate a child. Adults typically assume that this is because the child doesnt want to talk about problems and things that arent going well which of course none of us tend to be wild about! But it could also be that some empathy training is needed to get Plan B off the ground. There are many ways for your clients to start a conversation about a problem they want to work on some more likely to cause agitation or shutting down than others.
We instruct parents to begin the empathy step of Proactive B with the words Ive noticed What comes after those words though is crucial. We teach parents to remain as neutral as possible and to remember the philosophy behind the whole model: children do well if they can. If he could do well, he would do well. Somethings getting in his way, and the parents job in the empathy step is to try to figure out what. So an example of not so wonderful empathy: Ive noticed you dont want to do your homework lately. Why is that not so wonderful? Because we dont know that he doesnt want to thats what we would call high-risk empathy, making an assumption that could prove quite wrong. Wed suggest something more neutral and lower risk, Ive noticed homework has been frustrating for you lately. Of course, then you are going to ask for more information, Whats up? (by the way: Be prepared to be surprised by the childs response to this question because our assumptions often prove to be quite off base). In any case, the child is much more likely to answer this kind of neutral, low-risk empathic observation. Some other not so wonderful examples, Ive noticed you were being quite rude to your friends this afternoon. Better version: I noticed things didnt seem to be going so great with your friends this afternoon. What was going on? Reassurance can also play a critical role as part of good empathy. Some well placed comments like I know you dont like struggling with the homework either or I know you werent trying to upset your friends can go a long way towards easing tensions.
If tweaking how your clients state their observations isnt getting you anywhere with a particular family, sometimes you might need to do Proactive Plan B in the office about the very issue of talking about problems! In other words, It seems like when your mother brings up an issue she would like to talk about, you get upset. I bet there is a good reason. Can you help us understand why? That might need to be a conversation you would have privately with the child first to increase the likelihood of getting their concerns on the table before proceeding with Plan B with the parent in the room as well. Once you have a better idea of whats getting in the way, you are better prepared to troubleshoot the process. In such a conversation with a child this week, we learned that she despised talking about problems with her mother because she felt like she was always the one having difficulty and her sister was always the perfect one. With that information in hand, we could address that cognition, provide some reassurance that her sister had things she was working on as well, and invite her to brainstorm with us how they could work on things together without her feeling like she was always the problem child. Other children will have other reasons for bristling at what appears to be an empathic observation. Whatever the reason, it might need to be addressed before Plan B can proceed effectively. This is why we think of Plan B as perhaps your most important assessment tool. As soon as you ask families to start doing Plan B, you learn a lot from their struggles with the process about what you need to be working on with them.
Allan
Can Plan B be a trigger?
6/20/2007
We get asked this question from time to time by parents with whom we work. Thats because sometimes when families start trying to collaborate proactively with their child (what we call Proactive Plan B) they find that just bringing up a problem triggers their child. In other words, they start off using the first step of Proactive Plan B (the empathy step) and quickly find they have to do what we call Emergency Plan B because their child is rapidly escalating before their eyes. Other times, their child might simply shut down and not participate in Plan B. Either way, if this happens with a family you are helping, they might ask you this question, Can Plan B itself be a trigger? The answer of course is yes. Sometimes simply starting Plan B by making an observation about a problem can agitate a child. Adults typically assume that this is because the child doesnt want to talk about problems and things that arent going well which of course none of us tend to be wild about! But it could also be that some empathy training is needed to get Plan B off the ground. There are many ways for your clients to start a conversation about a problem they want to work on some more likely to cause agitation or shutting down than others.
We instruct parents to begin the empathy step of Proactive B with the words Ive noticed What comes after those words though is crucial. We teach parents to remain as neutral as possible and to remember the philosophy behind the whole model: children do well if they can. If he could do well, he would do well. Somethings getting in his way, and the parents job in the empathy step is to try to figure out what. So an example of not so wonderful empathy: Ive noticed you dont want to do your homework lately. Why is that not so wonderful? Because we dont know that he doesnt want to thats what we would call high-risk empathy, making an assumption that could prove quite wrong. Wed suggest something more neutral and lower risk, Ive noticed homework has been frustrating for you lately. Of course, then you are going to ask for more information, Whats up? (by the way: Be prepared to be surprised by the childs response to this question because our assumptions often prove to be quite off base). In any case, the child is much more likely to answer this kind of neutral, low-risk empathic observation. Some other not so wonderful examples, Ive noticed you were being quite rude to your friends this afternoon. Better version: I noticed things didnt seem to be going so great with your friends this afternoon. What was going on? Reassurance can also play a critical role as part of good empathy. Some well placed comments like I know you dont like struggling with the homework either or I know you werent trying to upset your friends can go a long way towards easing tensions.
If tweaking how your clients state their observations isnt getting you anywhere with a particular family, sometimes you might need to do Proactive Plan B in the office about the very issue of talking about problems! In other words, It seems like when your mother brings up an issue she would like to talk about, you get upset. I bet there is a good reason. Can you help us understand why? That might need to be a conversation you would have privately with the child first to increase the likelihood of getting their concerns on the table before proceeding with Plan B with the parent in the room as well. Once you have a better idea of whats getting in the way, you are better prepared to troubleshoot the process. In such a conversation with a child this week, we learned that she despised talking about problems with her mother because she felt like she was always the one having difficulty and her sister was always the perfect one. With that information in hand, we could address that cognition, provide some reassurance that her sister had things she was working on as well, and invite her to brainstorm with us how they could work on things together without her feeling like she was always the problem child. Other children will have other reasons for bristling at what appears to be an empathic observation. Whatever the reason, it might need to be addressed before Plan B can proceed effectively. This is why we think of Plan B as perhaps your most important assessment tool. As soon as you ask families to start doing Plan B, you learn a lot from their struggles with the process about what you need to be working on with them.
Allan