Cats out of the bag...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Nov 29, 2010.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I have been dreading the conversation with my difficult child about what he does after rehab. I really don't want him to come back and live here, in fact I think it is a bad idea for all of us. I held back when he called on TG and did not ask him his plans, figuring that is a conversation to have with therapists etc.

    However I do feel that if he really wants to come back to this area then we will buy him the plane ticket to do so. Not so he can live here.... but I do feel we found a place fo rhim out of state and his understanding when he agreed to go was that we would pay for him to come back. It would feel wrong for me to send him out of state and say by the way you are stuck there, we will not help you get back. So I would not do that.

    He called me tonight and said I have a question. Did you say that you would not let me come back??? I asked where he heard it. He heard it from a friend he was in trouble with, who probably heard something inaccurate from his mom.

    So I told my son that I didn't think it was necessarily a good idea for him to come back, or that we would want him to live at home but if he was determined to come back to the area that yes we would pay for a plane ticket. He calmed right down. He also said that he decided to call and ask before just flipping out on us which is a definite improvement. He also responded to my comment about livign at home that was something to talk about with the help of a therapist. I agree.

    So at least he knows we are not assuming he will just come back home.

    I feel that it is important that what he does after rehab is his decision. I can help ask questions so that hopefully he thinks about what is best. I don't however want to manipulate him into staying there, or have him feel like I am trying to control him. That will not work at all and will keep this from being his journey.
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm curious where he would live. If he doesn't go to a sober house does he have any income that would allow him to get an apartment? I am currently trying to figure out a way we can get difficult child on her own and right now I am out of ideas. The sober house was the best idea but she refused. She has only a part time job that doesn't pay enough for her to live on her own, but it is becoming increasingly apparent that she needs to be independant for all our sakes.

    I agree that his willingness to call and talk about it before flipping out is a very good thing. Has he talked about his sobriety yet? Do you think he is committed to living a sober life? Our difficult child told us after her relapse that she didn't really believe she was an alcoholic when she got out of rehab and had to prove it to herself. That may have been a cop out to defend her relapse and I'm not really sure she believes it now.

    Nancy
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy. If he comes back here I am not sure where he would live or how he will support himself. I am afraid he will try and go get his old job back and want us to help him get an apartment. That would put him right back into his old environment and i can't imagine that he would not relapse. I am not going to support him to do that. If that is his plan he is on his own... I will get him the plane ticket but that is it. I would support him going into some kind of sober living environment here although I would rather he stay where he is. I don't know what his attitude will be about sober living after rehab....when he was in jail he was saysing no way.

    What I will need to remind him to think about is the 18 months of jail he has hanging over his head. If he screws up he will end up in jail and that is very real. His two week stint in jail I think convinced him he really doesn't want that. He also has been court ordered to follow the follow on recommendations of the rehab. He is also on probation with random drug screens. So my sincere hope is that the court has enough over his head that he will think about what is the best way to follow all that for the next two years so I don't do jail time.

    He has not yet talked to us about sobriety. To be honest he has not yet talked to us much about anything. We are to have a family conference soon so we shall see. I have serious doubts that he is really committed to sobriety. The fact is I don't trust him at all.

    The other interesting thing is we wrote him and mentioned that we were going to alanon. He asked me yestserday if I was willing to invite his girlfriend to a meeting. I said of course. I have texted her and not heard back. I am not sure what he is hoping she will get out of alanon.... I suspect it is not what she will get. But I am more than willing to take her to a meeting. The more people thinking about what they need, rather than enabling him the better. I like her so that is good.
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL..... that was supposed to be so that HE does not do jail time. .... My jail time would be if he comes back and lives at home.
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ROFL about your jail time. I think it's a very good thing that he wants his girlfriend to go to an alanon meeting. I also don't trust my difficult child at all either. I don't believe a word she ever says. I remember how peaceful and free I felt when she was in rehab and now I'm back to worrying day and night and wonderuing when the next shoe will drop. It would be so much easier if she were not living here. I would worry but wouldn't have the day-to-day interactions with her and it would be much easier to ignore her. I want so much for her to live sober but every day I am reminded that her addictive personality will continue to be a problem. She got paid Friday $285 and she had about $60 left as of yesterday. It was all spent on clothes and food and oh yes a massage at the mall because she was tense!!!!!!!!!!!! I drove her to the bank yesterday to withdraw $50 to pay me for her student loan bill. I finally told her I was not paying one penny on it any longer and if she didn't pay it every month they would come after her.

    Nancy
     
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