Christmas burdened? Know why? Discussion.

[hearts and roses]

"We're keeping veeerrryyyy it simple this year" - my words for the past 10 years. Mainly due to the not knowing how difficult child will behave before, on, during, and following Christmas day. I found that the more emphasis I put on 'The Day", the more she flipped out. I will forever recall the Christmas when exh called me to tell me that she was flipping out and he didn't know what to do. "Draw a bath and stick her in with some toys" was my answer. "We're at my sisters for the holiday", he responded. "Okay then, deal with it - your choice.". He drew the bath and called me 15 minutes later to say thank you.

When I was a kid I spent most Christmas evenings in the hospital ER with wicked bad asthma. I don't know if it was from all the family drama, the smoking of everyone, the excitement or a true allergic reaction. It didn't seem to matter which house I was in, whether in PA at my oldest sister's or at home, but I always ended up in the ER. Then, when I was 15, I begged my mom to leave me home with my brother, who was supposed to watch me like a hawk. He went out drinking and so I was all alone with my boyfriend watching Christmas movies. Hmmm, no asthma - not once while the fam was away. Will wonders never cease? I learned a lot that Christmas.

I don't think kids mind not getting their most wished for toy or CD for Christmas. I don't think they mind eating a simple meal either. I think that what they mind is being treated differently and awkwardly. I think they hate being told to 'behave' in a manner that is unnatural for them while on the inside they are really trying to get their funk on. Heck as kids my sisters and I always got, without fail, the same gifts every year - a homemade flannel nightgown, socks, a sweater, and a board game. And each of us got one thing that was ours alone, like a doll. That's it. Nothing else, unless my brother decided to go hog wild on Christmas Eve.

As much as I am disappointed in my difficult child's recent behavior and choices, I will still try to adhere to her wish list. She's going to receive most of the gifts on there and few of my choosing.

For me, Christmas is a time to be together, love one another and cherish the gift of life and re-birth. It's a time for hope and faith that newer, better times are coming. It's a time to just have fun and let the rest go. I am so psyched that my sister from WV and my brother from NY are coming up to my house this year! There won't be many gifts but there will be good food, laughter and love.

{{{Marcie}}} Thanks for sharing your story. My heart was breaking for you as I read through it. I'm glad you were able to take away a positive thing from it after all - to make your kids' Christmas something more memorable.

 

[compassion]

Star, Thanks!!! I am on day 4 of bed rest: back/knee went out and the emional stress has been enormous. Thanks for the remeinder about gifts. I am choosing to keep a budget. She stole 115 from me last week (credit card and charged a huge meal) so I am subtracting that.
For me, I am very religious and have been following that path daily. I have been unable to attend reliagious services in quite awhile. I hope tp pn Christmas Rve but I will habe to access my health.
It is different this year-we are in an apt., dealing with the difficult child stuff last 6 months, incredible. I am trying to put my health first. I amm doing much less than usual. difficult child decorated tree and ginger crafts. All of my shoppinh has been online. I chose not to go to the dinner party I usually attend. I have written less cards. I will not be taking pics I usually do. However, grateful difficult child is moeew stable each day and I have a lot of serenity. I havenot planned the dinners yet. Compassion
Compassion

 

[Tiapet]

Traditions and Challanges Shapes Christmas'
​

I am touched and thought I'd share too in this discussion.

In my childhood we had the traditional Christmas Eve Pj's to be opened as the only gift (kids can never wait! lol). Even in the many years my parents couldn't afford much at all, they were sure to do that. My mom carried that tradition forward to all the grand kids until last year. Now I carry it on. I can recall the years we got very little but we always knew the love of our parents. My mom always baked Christmas cookies and still does as much as she is physically able too. I try to carry that tradition on myself but I can't do nearly the amount nor variety she does.

Some where in my late teens through out the years until I got divorced I lost the Christmas spirit and I have no idea why. I truly began hating Christmas. After my divorce I suddenly gained it back and wanted it and couldn't wait for Christmas. I enjoyed the lights, the sounds, the hustle and bustle of it (not so much the commercialism of it though). Especially once I had the kids, even more so I'd get excited to make it special in small ways I could for them. We never ever had much prior to divorce. After divorce and once I was with SO things change a total 180.

About 10 years ago my Grandfather (mother's father who we all were very close to) died on Dec 3rd. That is the day before oldest difficult child's birthday and that kind of tainted Christmas a little for the rest of the family that year but I made a point to also start a new tradition as it ruined difficult child's birthday too. I decided that the next day we immediately were going out, just difficult child and I, and getting our Christmas tree! From that point on (except this year, as we got it on Black Friday due to a special) we get our tree on her birthday. I take her to dinner and we get out tree (usually just McD's as that's what she loves).

Christmas 2006 was an awful year as far as it goes with family as my father had just died at the end of July and my mother was in no shape mentally for anything and refused to be in her house, my house, my sister's house or any house. She just wanted to be away. So she decided to take part of the family (that would go) on a trip with the last of her insurance money from his death. Since no one else would go it fell on me and my family as I had been being the care taker of her all those months, helping her piece her life back together and trying to stay on a level keel (although I tried desperately to get her to think hard about using the money for this trip and NOT going at all, it didn't work).

I felt bad because up until that point my two little difficult child's still believed in Santa and I had to tell them there was no Santa since we'd be away from home during the holiday and to be on the trip we had to use some of our own money as well (we'd be celebrating when we got back home). It broke my heart as they came to terms with it because not only did they have to learn no Santa but then the realization came that there was no Easter bunny, no tooth fairy, basically no more childhood fantasy figures. The end of the niaveness of children. So not fair I thought. On top of which, the trip was a horrendous experience as my mother was miserable the whole time and even went into a psychotic/out of it state while gone (she had been going in and out of them from time to time-short spells that I was having to deal with). No fun! Especially because littlest difficult child just kept having some sensory overload/raging fits from all the out of sync things going on where we were that he was not used to from anxieties and such.

It really hit home that year when he (littlest difficult child) came home from school with a project he had to do. It was about "traditions". He choose to do a poster board about our Christmas Eve tradition with the pajamas and also every other year the grandparents most often also took us out to dinner. Why it hit home was because he looked at me all sad and said, "what are we going to do now mom? Grandpa died and we're not going to have the pj's and dinner and grandma isn't going to do it, 'cause we live down here in NC too." My heart broke right then and there as I realized just how much traditions did matter to him and that he was upset about what would happen. (Consequently, that year grandma did still do pj's and of course dinner was out because we were away) I looked him right in the eye and said, " Well we'll just start new traditions!" He seemed to half accept that answer but wasn't real happy with it. Side note, oldest difficult child at 17 also seeks this same tradition to this day with the pj's so it very much matters, as small as it is.

Last year we weren't financially in a great place either as we were still trying to recoup from a new move the year before (and the trip that we really couldn't afford to have gone on) and the realization that all our Christmas decorations and tree stuff got left behind in PA (along with a ton of other stuff that we found out after the fact!). So there was no way we could decorate or get a tree or have any kind of Christmas not to mention the way payday fell it was after Christmas. You know bi monthly pays, bills go the first one and the second one is everything else. When you are catching up you have basically very little to work with. So we told them that during their Christmas break, when everything will be on sale and even at better prices (not having belief in Santa is actually a plus in this case) they would each get some money, in this case the little ones each got $50 and the oldest $100 to go shopping with. They were ok with this.

It killed me for Christmas day to come and go and not have a tree, presents, watching the neighborhood filled with lights and a totally silent house. I did do the pj's however. I could not go without doing that!! After the fact during the year, I saw and heard how it also affected them. Not so much as not "having" presents as not having Christmas spirit around as anything else.

I had vowed that my kids would never have Christmas' like I did but I also have never gone overboard with them, ever! It seems they've done without or very little more then anything, especially when I was married. I know what it's like to not have as I went years and years in marriage with out ever getting a gift for Christmas or birthday or anything (let alone going out to dinner,etc.) also while growing up sometimes and I make it a point to give when and where I can. My preferences is to do for those I know who are in need or deserve over those I don't but I will do both if I can. Christmas is the time for giving of yourself in what ever manner you can. Physically I can not do anymore and each month/day it seems to get less and less. What I do have left is my mind for the most part (although some days I doubt that! lol).

I agree about the giving without regret or thoughts of "I gave or did this and this is how you act!" There was only 1 time that occurred where oldest difficult child got denied anything and that was a birthday when she was about 9 or so (not quite sure of age). Her aunt gave her a birthday gift and it was in a Barney gift bag. Oh my gosh! You would have think someone killed her the way she acted. I was so embarrassed. She screamed at her aunt she didn't want it just because it was in that bag (she hated Barney). Her aunt, who has no understanding for kids like ours nor puts up with anything, said "fine, I will take it back home with me." After she consulted with me I did agree that she should take it back and let difficult child learn a lesson. Aunty did feel bad for doing it for a short time but got over it and difficult child DID learn a lesson and has never EVER did that to any gift (wrapping, something she doesn't like in general, whatever) again!!

So that's my story. Christmas is a time for thoughts of reflection, thankfulness, giving and sharing. The time for spirit. Yes, there are many reasons for Christmas.

 

[muttmeister]

I'm somebody who has always loved Christmas but, as a single mom with two difficult children, we definitely had some difficult ones.
I've never thought of myself as a terribly religious person, although I do identify myself as a Christian, but I always thought that, given the message of Christmas, unconditional love was something I could try to show. I think I did try to make the Christmas message part of our Christmas. No matter how bad you are, if Jesus can forgive you, then I'll try to too.
We had Christmases with psychiatric docs, Christmases with little money, Christmases with drunks, Christmases with fights. One Christmas difficult child 1 snuck out of his room before dawn and spend the day away as he didn't want to spend it with us. But I just kept trying. The presents weren't alwyas expensive, but we had some. The food wasn't always gourmet, but we ate in the holiday spirit. The decorations may have been a little worn and tattered, but they were ours.
This year difficult child 2 will spend Christmas in jail, Thankfully, Thursday is visiting day so we will get to spend half an hour with him. He is there because he chose not to do what he was supposed to do. Hopefully he is learning. If not, he knows that, while we don't condone his stupidity, we love him anyway.
Now that my difficult children are older, I am thankful that I made an attempt to celebrate the holiday every year.
The best Christmas present I ever got was last year: difficult child and friends were here; had been partying in his old room. They left and I was cleaning up so I gathered up the dirty glasses in his room and washe them. When he came back he was very angry that I had dumped his drink. He yelled. I told him I was sorry and that I was just trying to clean up. He got a thoughtful look on his face and apologized and gave me a hug. That was probably the first hug I'd gotten from him since he was 3. He is much better this year, thanks to maturity and medication. He still goes off occasionally but I see improvement. What better Christmas present could I get?
We will celebrate this year, even though difficult child 2 is in jail; even thoug difficult child 1 is not working up to his potential; even though we are short on funds; even though at least one of the difficult children has a significant other of whom I don't approve. No matter how hard you work, Christmas will not be perfect. Do what you can do, forget the rest, and try to remember the reason for the season.

 

[gcvmom]

Thanks to everyone for posting their feelings here. I'm suddenly a bit overwhelmed by it all and the old feelings this post has reawakened in me, both good and bad. So much truth spoken here. So many memories flooding back. So many hopes and dreams remembered. Suffice to say I just need to let it all come out in the quiet of the house this morning, and then take the next step forward for today.

 

[totoro]

You have all written so many things I have felt and could never have put down, just the right way.
Christmas in a word for me growing up was very weird. I had the feeling of anxiety for almost every Christmas. Many many reasons.

I am trying so hard to teach my girls that I will give to them throughout the year when I can.
I love them, I will always love them. I want this time for them to know that I love them. I want to share that with them.
I want to teach them that we give to people not to get. Not to make people like or love us. But, just because. Because it helps people it makes them feel good, it is a caring and kind thing to do. It is selfless.
I am trying to teach them to be humble...
I am learning to not care if others buy them presents. I will do my own thing and teach the lessons I want them to learn.
Having is not a sin, but expecting things and not helping your fellow man, I feel is.

I agree if you do it you should own it. I try to never go back and hold something over the girls head.
But I am still in the beginning of all of these lessons, my girls are still learning. They are so easy to impress still. Which is why at times I feel desperate to teach them what I think the Holidays should be about now.

We are *forcing* our tradition of a family walk on Christmas morning... then me and husband and the girls will go home and do our own thing.
All other Christmas events will take place Christmas Eve or before!

We are going to open any presents slowly the week prior to Christmas... to avoid being overwhelmed.
I will expect rages I will expect them to be not so angelic... but I am not perfect either.
I will love my family during the Holidays, with extra patience in place due to the overload!
I will try to understand and be considerate of my family throughout the rest of the year...
I will try to love and give and be kind, not just because it is the holidays. Because I would not be here and happy, without the kindness of others throughout the years.
I have had many Holidays where I would have been alone, but friend invited me to join them and their family or a work mate took me in.... that is what this about.

Thank you Star*

 

[butterflydreams]

This is a great thread. This year I am anxious about Christmas. At first I had anticipated difficult child being in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) over the holidays. The way he is right now though, I have no idea what to anticipate. I am prepared though for the idea that he might not handle it well, I can really see him going into a rage because he didn't get what he wanted or something like that. Right now he is really regressing age wise and is very whiney, and other behaviors I would expect from a 5 year old, not a almost 13 year old. So I am really not sure. Christmas won't be a big thing. We are supposed to get off work mid afternoon on Christmas Eve and I have to go to work the day after Christmas - I have no vacation time on the books.

We will have dinner on Christmas day with the 3 of us and my boyfriend. I would imagine my parents will either come over Christmas morning and be there when the kids open their presents or they will come over later. Other than that, it will be pretty low key.

Christy

 

[Star*]

Guys - I wrote that LAST YEAR on 12-19/2007 - whomever thought it was postworthy another year - thanks - (freaked me out a little) but.....I still feel the same.

lol -

*thought for a moment I had someone posting as me - lol (I'm such a conspiracy theorist)

 

[Hound dog]

Star

I'm an odd one. in my opinion birthdays and major holidays are off limits for punishment. I've always been that way. This of course doesn't include St. Patricks day ect. This is for easy child and difficult child alike. Birthdays and major holidays hype up all children. All. My kids knew that these days were "freebies" for them. That doesn't mean that punishment couldn't come the day before or after if the behavior was bad enough. lol

Maybe I was lucky. Because my kids never took advantage of the freebie rule. Sure they got hyped up to the max, most especially Travis. A birthday or major holiday always brought out every difficult child behavior the boy ever had. But no big offenses to speak of. We usually survived every holiday and even managed to have some happy memories as well.

My kids have never gotten alot for either birthdays or xmas. I set a limit while pregnant with easy child and it stayed that way. Still is. I've just readjusted it to fit adult children and grandchildren. Each of them were required to buy a gift for whomever's birthday it was and for everyone for xmas. And they had to work for the money.

*note* I'm making a new rule for presents that have to be sent via mail. I'm staring at 4 boxes (large) for the grands in Mo. It's gonna cost me at least an additional 80.00 to just send them. OMG But easy child, Travis, and Nichole have been told they're helping with shipping. Many of these gifts are from them too. So from now on, Nana is buying no more than 2 presents for any child that has to have them shipped. I might include a gift card with any left over money from the budget. (notice I said might, that's gonna depend on how much this runs me this year)

Travis can't help the way he is. I knew when he was little he couldn't help the way he is. He's just Travis, the way God made him. Period. At 22 he can get just as hyped up over xmas as he did as a child. Sure, there are days when I'd love to strangle him. There are days when I wish he could have his own place and I could find some peace. But he is who he is. And I've come to accept that is not going to change.

That said......As Janet said......Age and maturity make all the difference. I no longer have to deal with a child literally talking at the top of his lungs and bouncing off all the furniture. Or one who gets up into everyone's face because he's just too excited to remember personal space. I no longer have to deal with Nichole believing the world revolves around her and her moods. She has, instead, been working hard to make this years holidays enjoyable for everyone else.

And when we get together....the bickering is long gone. There are smiles and laughter and stories of holidays and birthdays past. It's not perfect. No Norman Rockwell here. But then we've never expected it to be. It's just much more pleasant and fun. And I've noticed for the most part......both easy child and Nichole have continued the Freebie rule concerning major holidays and bdays. lol

Just a few years ago when they were all teens and I wanted to bang all their heads together. I wouldn't have believed it.

Merry Christmas Starbie.

((hugs))

 

[totoro]

OMG
give me back those words!!!
I feel robbed!!!
Those where posted under false pretenses. I made it all up!
I didn't mean one word of it!
I want my presents back!

You are still a Wordsmythe though...

 

[Shari]

It is wonderful to read this again, anyway. I am not alone in my feelings (as usual).
***
I used to love Christmas. But I am finding it more of a chore than a time to treasure.
***
At work, we host an open house. Some of the people in charge feel it won't be fun if there aren't multitudes of decorations and the kids don't have something to take home, yet are angry that more people don't help decorate or contribute money. Everyone is fighting over it. I take the "less is more" attitude, but generally stay out of it.
***
At home, I am trying to juggle finding time for our family to celebrate. We only have easy child 2 from 3-8pm on Christmas day. Two Brooms insists on having her Christmas celebration as she always has, at 4:30pm - right in the middle of the time we'll have easy child. She insists we eat dinner and open gifts one at a time, so it takes 2 or 3 hours. If we try to have Christmas at our house on Christmas day, we'll have to push the kids to open and run - which is SO against my belief that they should enjoy and appreciate, not shove it aside and dive into the next package. If we try to do it after, often, difficult child 2 is too tired to stay awake. I am NOT fighting to keep him awak this year.
***
So we will probably open gifts at our house on some random day other than Christmas. It makes me sad that I can't have the Christmas I want with my family while my kids are still little enough to enjoy the magic of it because Two Brooms won't accept the fact that her kids are 40 and the 'magic' years are gone.
***
I find that Santa is buying his gifts for difficult child with the purpose of giving wee difficult child plenty to do all day to make it thru the day. Even Santa's in survival mode this year.
***
Still, I am trying to be patient. We are making Buddy Packs for the food bank to help those in need. The spirit of the season is there; I want to enjoy it. I look forward to the time I will spend with my own family, and my ex-in-laws. I look forward to Christmas eve at home with wee difficult child, baking cookies for Santa, as always. But somehow, its just missing something for me this year.

 

[KTMom91]

This is the first year Miss KT is not living at home. I don't know yet how I feel about it. Hubby and I are keeping it simple between the two of us, and even though the tree is up, there is nothing underneath it to unwrap. I love to unwrap things.

We're going to mother in law's on Christmas Eve and my mom's on Christmas Day. There's been at least one meltdown every year. I'm praying we can get through without one this year.