Hello all!
I am looking for advice on how to handle what is happening to my 14 year old son and what to ask the doctor when we go. I want to know what medicines are red flags and if there are any natural ways to help him. Below is a brief history so you fully understand what we are dealing with, which is hard to imagine, since I don't yet know what we are dealing with
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We each have a son from previous relationships as well as having two sons together. My son (IS) is the eldest and has lived with his father (my ex) full time since he was about 7 due to behavioral problems which instantly dissipated once he starting living with his father. My Husbands oldest (JR) is 15 and has lived with his mother full time and we have had limited access to seeing him throughout his life. We have had many struggles with building the relationship with him Our youngest (CT) is 11 and he is easy going and doesn't let much bother him. He seems to be learning what not to do from watching the struggles we have gone through with his older brothers.
Our 14 year old (JD) has been experiencing many changes over the past several years. It seemed to all begin when we moved from St. Paul to Eagan 3 years ago and I thought it was just an "adjustment period". Unfortunately, shortly after we moved to Eagan, my husband lost his job and was unemployed for 2+ years. During this time I started to see my son's respect for his father fade away and his behavior started to changed. I thought it was just normal teenager boy stuff. But at the same time, my husbands son JR was struggling with his mother and we choose to bring him to live with us and see if some discipline and a routine would help him. Within two weeks, JR was back in trouble for dealing and smoking pot at middle school. In dealing with this issue, JR decided to bring his brother JD into it, blaming him as the instigator and the only one involved. When JD was asked, he said he was involved in a different aspect of it and came clean to the principal and both boys were EXPELLED. I was very surprised when my son was expelled the first time...but then a second and a third...I didn't understand what could be happening. Then to find out that my son felt he needed a knife at school, just confused me even more so. With much digging JD admitted to being bullied and even being beaten up in the bathroom by a group of older boys. JR had no discipline from this event as his mom came and picked him up blaming us for the problems and refused to allow us to see him anymore. JD paid the price, did the what the judge asked and completed community service without hesitation. Having no school alternative other then ALC, we chose online school for the rest of 7th and 8th grade. Finally, this past fall, he was able to start traditional brick and mortar school in 9th grade and was so excited to go to school and socialize. But it didn't last as he was again expelled for having a box cutter with him as school.
We sat him down and expressed our deep concern for his health and his safety. We wanted to understand what was going on. But as long as his father was around, he wouldn't talk, he got upset and defensive. So I found time to just have him and I talk and it finally came so clear to me. He told me he was bi-sexual and had been bullied because of it. He told me he was struggling with his mood swings, being elated to be out having fun and all of a sudden feel like he hit a brick wall and instantly fall into a depressive state for minutes to hours to days sometimes. He admitted to not being able to eat or sleep. When I asked about the knives, he admitted to cutting himself. When asked why, he answered "to feel alive". I asked him if it was something we as parents have done or said and he responded that it was the voices in his head telling him that we all hate him and want him dead. I was in tears at this point. I was sad that he was feeling this way, upset that I didn't see it or say something sooner, confused to why he can't just shut it off and know that I love him and terrified of what he might do to himself.
So that night we decided that we needed to get help with this. So we went online and took several online tests for bipolar, schizophrenia and depression. He tested extremely high for Bipolar and depression but low for schizophrenia. I tried to explain this to my husband and that didn't go as well as I hoped, but just as I expected. My husband thinks it is fake and that he is using it as an excuse to stay out of trouble. He feels I am babying him and is upset with me because of it. I know he loves his son, but he is very closed minded. It has been the source of several arguments over the past few weeks between he and I. I am terrified that he will say the wrong thing at the wrong time and JD will hurt himself. My hope is that he will join us at the doctor so he can better educate himself and have a better understanding and start supporting his son.
We are going to the doctor next week and I am so terrified of what may happen. I have heard of many moms complain about the drugs not working or the constant switching drugs or what the effects of the drugs are. We are not the type of people who go to the doctor on a regular basis. We only go if we absolutely have to. We do not take even a Tylenol unless we are in unbearable pain. So I am concerned for this step, but understand it is necessary.
Any help that any of you can provide will be taken to heart and is much appreciated.
Thank you,
D
I am looking for advice on how to handle what is happening to my 14 year old son and what to ask the doctor when we go. I want to know what medicines are red flags and if there are any natural ways to help him. Below is a brief history so you fully understand what we are dealing with, which is hard to imagine, since I don't yet know what we are dealing with
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We each have a son from previous relationships as well as having two sons together. My son (IS) is the eldest and has lived with his father (my ex) full time since he was about 7 due to behavioral problems which instantly dissipated once he starting living with his father. My Husbands oldest (JR) is 15 and has lived with his mother full time and we have had limited access to seeing him throughout his life. We have had many struggles with building the relationship with him Our youngest (CT) is 11 and he is easy going and doesn't let much bother him. He seems to be learning what not to do from watching the struggles we have gone through with his older brothers.
Our 14 year old (JD) has been experiencing many changes over the past several years. It seemed to all begin when we moved from St. Paul to Eagan 3 years ago and I thought it was just an "adjustment period". Unfortunately, shortly after we moved to Eagan, my husband lost his job and was unemployed for 2+ years. During this time I started to see my son's respect for his father fade away and his behavior started to changed. I thought it was just normal teenager boy stuff. But at the same time, my husbands son JR was struggling with his mother and we choose to bring him to live with us and see if some discipline and a routine would help him. Within two weeks, JR was back in trouble for dealing and smoking pot at middle school. In dealing with this issue, JR decided to bring his brother JD into it, blaming him as the instigator and the only one involved. When JD was asked, he said he was involved in a different aspect of it and came clean to the principal and both boys were EXPELLED. I was very surprised when my son was expelled the first time...but then a second and a third...I didn't understand what could be happening. Then to find out that my son felt he needed a knife at school, just confused me even more so. With much digging JD admitted to being bullied and even being beaten up in the bathroom by a group of older boys. JR had no discipline from this event as his mom came and picked him up blaming us for the problems and refused to allow us to see him anymore. JD paid the price, did the what the judge asked and completed community service without hesitation. Having no school alternative other then ALC, we chose online school for the rest of 7th and 8th grade. Finally, this past fall, he was able to start traditional brick and mortar school in 9th grade and was so excited to go to school and socialize. But it didn't last as he was again expelled for having a box cutter with him as school.
We sat him down and expressed our deep concern for his health and his safety. We wanted to understand what was going on. But as long as his father was around, he wouldn't talk, he got upset and defensive. So I found time to just have him and I talk and it finally came so clear to me. He told me he was bi-sexual and had been bullied because of it. He told me he was struggling with his mood swings, being elated to be out having fun and all of a sudden feel like he hit a brick wall and instantly fall into a depressive state for minutes to hours to days sometimes. He admitted to not being able to eat or sleep. When I asked about the knives, he admitted to cutting himself. When asked why, he answered "to feel alive". I asked him if it was something we as parents have done or said and he responded that it was the voices in his head telling him that we all hate him and want him dead. I was in tears at this point. I was sad that he was feeling this way, upset that I didn't see it or say something sooner, confused to why he can't just shut it off and know that I love him and terrified of what he might do to himself.
So that night we decided that we needed to get help with this. So we went online and took several online tests for bipolar, schizophrenia and depression. He tested extremely high for Bipolar and depression but low for schizophrenia. I tried to explain this to my husband and that didn't go as well as I hoped, but just as I expected. My husband thinks it is fake and that he is using it as an excuse to stay out of trouble. He feels I am babying him and is upset with me because of it. I know he loves his son, but he is very closed minded. It has been the source of several arguments over the past few weeks between he and I. I am terrified that he will say the wrong thing at the wrong time and JD will hurt himself. My hope is that he will join us at the doctor so he can better educate himself and have a better understanding and start supporting his son.
We are going to the doctor next week and I am so terrified of what may happen. I have heard of many moms complain about the drugs not working or the constant switching drugs or what the effects of the drugs are. We are not the type of people who go to the doctor on a regular basis. We only go if we absolutely have to. We do not take even a Tylenol unless we are in unbearable pain. So I am concerned for this step, but understand it is necessary.
Any help that any of you can provide will be taken to heart and is much appreciated.
Thank you,
D